Tag Archives: Sleep Deprivation

Hiatus

7 Jun

Do you ever stop blogging for a certain reason and then it takes you forever to pick the habit back up? You say: One more day, which turns into a week and whatnot. Yeah that’s me *waves* I’ll have to ease back into this, I guess.

I survived the epic horror that was writing my thesis for the last couple of weeks and I handed it in last Friday, yay!! I am just so happy that it’s over, I cannot tell you. Now, I have free time again to watch TV and blog and read and do all the stuff I like to do. Yeah, I know, looking for a job should be a priority right now, but I don’t know what I want, except that I want a little bit more time to procrastinate. It’s silly and stupid and of course my Uncle couldn’t refrain himself from asking me what’s next when he and his family visited last weekend.

His inquiring made me mad. Irrationally so but still mad. He had a job after he got his PhD and that is all fine and good but I am not him. I take time to make phone calls because I dislike talking to strangers on the phone. And I happen to not have a clue what kind of job my university education should gain me. I don’t feel at home in the business part of a company but I feel like I don’t know enough about engineering either. And there is nothing I desperately want to be.

However my slackerdom also makes me question my motives. Is there maybe a part in me that I inherited from my do-no-good father? I am afraid of just that because I really don’t need any of his traits in me. And it really only has been one week since I handed in my thesis. That’s not too bad, I guess. I had to catch up on lots of sleep and I am doing some traveling as well now that I am done. Next week, yeah next week sounds like a good one to start thinking about my future.

Tonight I meet with my Mom’s bestfriend from the age they were 5 or 6 and she’s also my godmother. We haven’t seen each other in over a year and not talked much either, especially since Mom died. I’m already anticipating ALL THE QUESTION. And I don’t have answers. Not having answers makes me feel like an idiot. So here I am stuck between idiocy and procrastination. I promise the next posts will be better. This is just me trying to overcome my hiatus.

Why?! #United4Marriage

29 Mar

This week has been amazing. Since Tuesday, my Twitter and Facebook timelines are full of notes about the Supreme Court hearings on same-sex marriage. Every newspaper I frequent is talking about it, American or German, it doesn’t matter. And I haven’t gotten tired of it yet. With every post I see, my heart starts to dance more because it’s not just us gays fighting for it, there are many straight people supporting this cause.

You might ask: “But Willie, why do you care? You’re not an American citizen.”

That’s true, but what’s happening in the US is not so different from what is going on in Germany. Most of our parties support same-sex marriage as do the majority of Germany’s people. Our highest federal court will be hearing another case about this in the summer too and, given recent rulings, will grant us rights we don’t have yet. Another point is, I truly believe that if America falls (i.e. grants marriage equality) it will send a powerful message to many other countries, mine included.

164201_10151541126023281_2118869774_nThe Human Rights Campaign started a meme where you change your icon to a red square with an equal sign in it to signal you’re supporting marriage equality. A lot of my German friends may not know what the deal is with this sign and even bestfriendboy had to ask me if it was about what he thought it was about (and yes, it was). I changed my profile pic on Facebook and Twitter nonetheless, well I tweaked it a bit because I find it confusing if everyone has the exact same picture so I blended my normal pic with the meme one.

IMG_0378_neu

I read a post today about how it’s stupid and lazy to do so because the Supreme Court judges won’t care about your icon. You’re not even friends with them; they can’t see it which makes it of no value at all. But I digress. It may not influence the judges decision but showing support is never a lost cause. You cannot know what impact a simple thing like that might have on another person. The gay teenager or closeted adult could suddenly see how they were wrong in thinking their straight friends wouldn’t be on their side. It may ease coming out for a lot of people just knowing that those they went to high school with don’t think it’s an abomination that he/she wants to be able to marry the person he/she loves and is committed to. Or in my case, casually implying I may not be as straight as I appear to be without having to tell everyone in person ;-)

I will never understand how allowing the gay couple two doors down from you will threaten your straight marriage or all those other arguments our opponents have. They’re just stupid to me. Blame it on me being one of those inverts that seem to be the problem. However the countries that already support marriage equality like Canada or the Netherlands haven’t imploded or been worse for it. I really don’t know what people that are against it think will happen! An apocalypse? I don’t think so! I believe it will be a far less issue once we’re granted the same rights.

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite scenes from The West Wing.

(Maybe now I’ll be able to sleep after I got all the gibberish out of my head.)

I’m an old Lady.

26 Feb

Yesterday’s post was more of an “get over your blogging block”-thing. It’s embarrassing how often the general theme of “What’s Next?” comes up on this blog so let’s just forget about yesterday’s quarter life crisis. Instead, let me tell you how old and boring I am am. Well, maybe not exactly boring…just wait and see for yourself.

Last weekend I got to visit two of my closest friends. First I stopped at bestfriendboy’s place on Friday, we went out for cocktails and watched The Nanny because we are just cool like that. On Saturday I commenced on my way to visit my lovely fake-husband Franz whom I haven’t visited since she moved in with her boyfriend almost 2 years ago. Originally I only planned on visiting Franz but as I told bestfriendboy about it, he said I should come stay with him for a night as well because the train goes through his city after all. Getting to the point of this post, I spent two nights on different sorts of guest mattresses and now my stupid, stupid hip hurts and it’s Tuesday evening by now. I’m like my own grandmother! Geez!

As much as I enjoy visiting my friends and I really do do that, I’m also like an old woman who just wants to sleep in her own bed and let nothing disrupt her precious sleep cycle. (Older people don’t need as much sleep, I know, and also my Granny hardly sleeps more than 4 hours each night but damn it, I love my sleep.) Every time I spend at someone else’s place I have a hard time falling asleep, well, it was better this time but still. Afterwards I fall into a hole of “OMG, I didn’t sleep enough last weekend”. It’s just that when I know I’ll have to go back to work/uni/whatever the next day I begin to panic a little because everything is out of order and also I didn’t get to do all my precious procrastination.

I loved seeing my Franzl, we went for Lebanese food with her boyfriend and friends of them and it was really fun. Franz and I sat in the restaurant/bar-thingy and sang along to whatever came on the radio. Not sure if people looked at us strangely but it was a hell of a lot of fun. I didn’t smile so much in ages, my face actually started to hurt. Shut up, that’s a legitimate thing! Visiting bestfriendboy was also good, granted I get to see him more frequently than Franz but spending time together is always a good thing. Also, watching 90s sitcoms is just bliss. The Nanny is freaking hilarious even after having seen it over and over again in the past. It still cracks me up every damn time.

After all the traveling on my weekend and all the beautiful but unhandy snow I stayed home on Monday to catch up with sleep and procrastination. Also, the Oscars. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t mind spending a weekend here or there but the truth is, I do mind. It takes me a while to readjust afterwards. And also, now my hip hurts for the second day in a row and I don’t even recall it ever hurting as much. Usually it goes away faster. Please don’t believe I do not appreciate being provided with an air mattress or other similar thing. This is just me and my stupid body, mainly stupid hip. It’s fantastic to know you’re crashing at somebody’s place and you only have to bring the clothes you want to wear.

Yetta, The Nanny, GIF

Basically I’m Yetta. Just look at how long it takes her to answer the door! I’m old!

(Yes, I just made my very first GIF because I couldn’t find any on Tumblr I could use and then it took me 30 mins to find a way to upload a GIF over 5MB because I didn’t read the upload limits for Tumblr carefully enough.)

Something’s Missing

16 Jul

I feel my posts are lacking lightness and happiness recently but I don’t know where to take it from, I’m sorry. I feel sad and lonely which is probably why I’m jeaouls of the people I know that have a clear understanding of where they’re headed.

I’m not doing enough of anything, taking care of my mom, keeping the house in order, finishing my studies… I know it, I feel it every day but I can’t change it.

My mom’s chemo treatments have had a bad effect on her blood lately so the next two rounds of chemo were delayed. We still don’t know when they will start again but as her blood tests are showing improvement it will probably not be for long. Still she is so weak, so forgetful and just not the person I knew for most of my life.

Often I ask myself if going through all this shit is really worth it. The possibility of surviving this kind of tumor is near to zero and I don’t feel like the time I have with her is doing me much good. As much as it pains me to say this, but for me, she more or less died a while ago even though her body is still around. But what else is left of that independent woman that raised me, the person who fought so many battles to give me everything she thought I might need? Not much.

My life has me in chains so to speak. She is just a phone call or a text message away and she lets me know this. I don’t feel like I have that much time to myself even though I hardly spent time with her except going to the doctors or other appointments with her. Every time she tells me how good a person I am my heart shouts “NO, I really am not!” because I feel like a looser. I wish I could break free of it all, just leave her behind and start my own life someplace else. But how is this ever going to be possible unless she dies?

I’m not talking to her much lately because I don’t want her advice and also because explaining stuff to her is just really annoying lately since she has a hard time understanding more difficult things. I’m still not finished with my student research project (but getting closer) and I don’t have a place for my thesis yet. She has been asking me about these things a lot for a couple of days now but I refuse to explain her why it’s taking me so damn long because I don’t have an answer for myself. I’m lazy, some things are still missing, I’m stubborn and I don’t know what I will do after graduation.

So I try to avoid talking about this but she keeps getting back to the subject, threatening to talk to our neighbour who is advising my project. I told her that I didn’t want her doing it but she won’t give it a rest. The thing is though that I have to do this on my own, I don’t want my mommy taking care of everything (which she also can’t do anymore). I’m grown up enough to sort out my own things or else how will I ever learn??? I’ve been clear about this, that I want  and need to do this on my own, but she doesn’t understand it.

She thinks we’re in a fight (which we’re not) because I don’t want to talk to her about it and she says that she feels our relationship has taken a bad turn. It probably has but not just recently. It’s been getting worse as her illness has gotten worse. Which makes me feel so, so bad. It does! But I can’t help it.

I want a goddamn break from everything around here which I will get in about four weeks when I’ll leave for my Canada trip. I can’t wait to leave! When I go out with friends I’m still not really free, she calls me with not so necessary things or texts me. I can’t ignore them because something serious could have happened but it hardly ever does. In Canada though I’ll have an excuse to leave my cell phone off because it would be too expensive to talk to her all the time. Ha!

Then again I feel like a horrible person because I can’t show her more empathy, be there for her more. I just don’t know how to do it.

The night she was rushed to the hospital as an emergency I told God (or whomever I believe in) that He could have her. Since He made it pretty clear that she won’t come out on the upper side of things, that it was ok with me if she died. I want it to be quick, maybe an aneurism bursting in her head…so she won’t feel a thing. It’s been three months now and she is still here and I wonder why. What’s the purpose of her sticking around this long?

– Well, I have no clue!

I only know that she is still here and I’m still here, both caught in the ties that bind us to each other. I’m so sorry this is such a depressing and dark post but I need to get things off my chest.

Most people say/ wish/ want to live their lives to the fullest, enjoy every moment of it. I don’t feel like I ever really did that. In general my life is a good one, I have many luxeries, enough to eat and drink. A functioning health care system, friends, hobbies and a loving but small family. Still I’m never satisfied and rather complain about it a lot.  I’m 24 and I feel so overwhelmed with the task that was laid upon me – taking care of my sick mother and being mostly alone with it except for my granny.

I wish I could do great things, help people, make the world a better place to live in, and yes, live my life to the fullest. But how can I do that when I fail at being a better person in my own home? How does one live the crap out of one’s life anyway?

Time seems to be fleeting, going faster with every day that goes by. How many days do I even have left before it is all over and I have to look back at what I did with my precious time on earth. Will I be sorry in the end?

My greatest fear is not being loved and not loving enough. Will I ever fall head over heals, madly in love with another person? Will I ever be loved back in an equal way? I want this so badly yet I’m afraid of putting myself out there. Being gay is most likely not improving my chances at finding a partner. I’m just so sick and tired of being alone, going to bed alone, waking up alone, going through my days hoping things will change but not having the the nerve to actually change things.

I feel as far away from accomplishing any of my dreams as possible. I don’t see the road anymore and some dreams are vanishing in the mist that covers most of them.

So far, the only thing I figured out about myself is, that I need to run at least once a week to keep my inner bitch tied to the ground. So, even though it rains and rains and rains, I go into the forest and run because it’s the only thing helping me these days.

This post has been long enough now, and I applaud everyone who made it this far. Thank you for enduring my ranting and complaining and whining. I’m also sorry for using ‘I’ so much. It must mean I’m pretty self-centered most of the time. See you tomorrow. Maybe my mind won’t be this dark after sleeping tonight? – Oh, one can only hope.

Episodes

22 May

A while ago I had a conversation with my uncle about accents. He wanted to know if I had a british accent in my english or not. Here’s how it went:

He: Do you have a british accent?

Me: I dunno. I guess so. (Note, this was the time before I needed to watch every TV show in its original language so where should I have gotten anything other than a proper british school accent from?)

H: Ok then just talk to me in english.

M: Hmm, what shall I say…(says some random stuff)

H: Oh yes, you definitely have an american accent. You know, I trained myself to having a british one.

M: Huh, well, I don’t really think it matters that much.

Why am I recounting this boring little episode out of my life for you to read? Well, because back then I didn’t have the courage and the words to tell him where he could stick his pretentious little british accent. So what if I sound american, I’m proud of it. I earned it by watching tons and tons of shows he probably never even heard of. If he thinks that he needs a certain accent so other people would think highly of him then so be it. That’s not me. I still don’t care what I sound like as long as I don’t sound like a stupid german who’s unable to pronounce a proper ‘th’ then I’m more than happy (believe me there are more than enough of those around and I’m always ashamed, even our secretary of state is a disgrace to the english language, sorry, Guido)

Today as I picked my mom up from an appointment at our hairdresser she told me that the hairdresser (I call her Plam for further reference) gets a bouquet of red roses every week from her ex-husbamd. I was immediately on the edge of barfing. I would cut them up and send them back to him but then Plam’s sister told me that Plam might actually be thinking of rekindling that relationship which didn’t make it all that better in my opinion. I mean they broke up for a reason!

Then it hit me, I must come across as quite unromantic. It happened to me before when my boss told me her daughter wanted to go see Titanic in 3D that week. I’m sorry but I hate Titanic, it’s a long movie and the ship sinks at the end. Also, we had to watch Titanic on long bus-rides to and from camp when I was little as it seemed to be the only VHS-tape any of the grown-ups owned. So I’ve seen my fair share of that particular movie and I just can’t think of any reason to go sit in a cinema and pay a lot of money to watch it again in 3D (I want Star Wars 3D for crying out loud!). Which is what I told my boss and she said that I was just probably not that into romance movies. Hello?? Where did she get her intel? I love them but just not Titanic.

What I am trying to say with the red roses and Titanic episodes is that I don’t like stereotypes and cliches. Red roses equal a display of love. Well, not in my book. Roses are ok but to me there are other, much prettier, flowers out there which I would much rather get from a lover. Also yellow and orange would be more to my liking than red.
Maybe I am just peculiar in that way, I don’t like doing what everybody else does, I like being unique. I would never buy a tracksuit again for crying out loud. I hate it when the jacket matches the pants like that. I’m not even sure what makes me dislike them so much. I just do.

I would much more appreciate getting a book as a present from a lover. Doesn’t sound romantic enough? But buying a bunch of flowers is considered romantic? I mean, they die after a short while, you can’t enjoy them for long but then a good book is something for eternity. And it’s not so easy to pick out if you want it to be right, You need to know the person very well to hit their literary nerve.

Stereotypes exist for a reason because the persons described in them do actually exist but then again so do even more other people who share the same characteristics but don’t fit the respective stereotype. Like girls are not supposed to be good in math and sciences. Well, I was! Still am and I don’t even look like a dork.

I dread the family dinners in which my uncle asks me if I have a boyfriend and when I say that I don’t have one then what is so wrong with that? Granted, I would like to be in love and all but just because I am 24 and single doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me. I’m picky, it takes time and then there’s some other stuff but in general I am allowed to be single or in a relationship because I feel like it and not because society tells me that for a girl over 21 the chances of finding a partner subside every year. This is 2012, not a Jane Austen novel.
There’s this boy I went to school with who is now married to a woman from Australia, he started to study medicine last year and now their second child is on its way. That scares the crap out of me! How can they do all that so fast? I don’t think it’s wrong but it’s just so early in their lives. But I guess it has something to do with the fact that they are very religious. Nevertheless they seem to be so far ahead on that life-path from me that I get uncomfortable but it’s their choice. If they can handle it why not be parents that early. After all I want my uncle to accept my not being in a relationship so I need to acknowledge that other people have different life-plans.

And now I seemed to have lost any track of where this post was ever supposed to be headed but that’s ok. I did my little rant and I really hope that I didn’t offend anyone. If I did than I’m sorry but this is just a glance into who I am and now I am finally going to sleep. Btw, why do I always get ‘inspired’ to write something when I’m already in bed trying to fall asleep? #stupid

A four letter word

11 May

My family was not what you would call a happy one while I was growing up. My mom was the best but she was also working a lot, supporting us. My dad was/is a do-no-good who wasted our money. I never saw them happy with each other, exchanging kisses. I never understood why she didn’t leave him sooner.

I guess my mom married him out of spite because my gran was annoying her, with comments about why she didn’t have anyone and stuff like that, so she chose the next best thing, my father. Yuk!

With my now 24 years of age I can’t help but wonder, is it their fault that I am unable to fall for another person or is it mine? Does it even have to be someones fault at all?

I mean, I think I fell in love before but it was never reciprocated, I was usually alone with my feelings or, even worse, when there was someone who cared for me, then he looked like how I pictured Grenouille out of ‘The Perfume’ by Patrick Süßkind so it wasn’t an option either. Not saying that I care too much about looks but you should at least be able to imagine the two of you together without shaking from disgust, right?

Where did I took the wrong turn on my life’s path?

I don’t believe that I need a partner to feel complete and happy but it would be nice every once in a while to feel loved by someone, holding hands and not being alone every single day. Just the simple things.

I’m 24 and I don’t know anything about dating which makes me feel embarrassed. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you guys this but it is something my mind wanders about quite often.

Will I die an old spinster lady surrounded by her army of cats, even though I don’t even like cats? I’m a dog person you know and not those little one’s that fit into purses, no, big dogs, like golden retriever and bernese mountain dogs.

And when I might eventually find a right person, will I be too set in my own ways to be with him?

Will I be able to see that my way of doing things is not the only one?

I don’t mind doing stuff on my own, hell I even enjoy it a lot of the times but I also feel lonely sometimes. As it is spring (even though it’s raining outside but rain happens in spring too, right?) you see all these couples outside being all happy with themselves. I get angry when I see them, because I want it too! I just don’t know how to get there.

I guess I’m just so afraid of getting hurt, of loosing control, which is why I built all those road-blocks around my heart, so nobody can find a way inside even though I want them to. I don’t want to end like my mother, I don’t want to make the same mistakes she did.

Do other people see that my mind is a big puddle of crazy stirred with more crazy?

Is that why they keep their distance?

What makes men turn away from me not even considering that I could be a lovely person to hang around with? Damn, I study engineering, I spent the last 5 years around so many boys and still nothing. Is it because I don’t like to party like everyone else because I don’t enjoy alcohol and techno-/ electr0-/ house- music?

I’m quite shy, I don’t want to get on anyones nerves. It takes me a while to open up and I don’t even know how to start a conversation with a total stranger. I usually wait until the other person starts cause I have no clue.

Why is it, that I know exactly what I don’t want but not what I actually want?

Well things change. A couple of years ago, I couldn’t imagine wanting kids, now I want three! But will I ever get close to having even one child? Will I ever get married?

I find it hard to talk about my feelings, even with some good friends I had for years. Heck, I don’t even talk to my mom about anything. I’m a private person, except on this blog under the cover of my fake name. I’m better with the written word than actually talking face to face, I’ve always been this way. I prefer texting over calling…you get the picture.

My problem is probably that I just think too much! I think ALL THE TIME. I can’t help it.

I know none of you readers can change anything, nevertheless I needed to get this off my chest. That’s what blogs are for, right? Telling strangers stuff you can’t tell the people in your life because you’re afraid the will judge you. Not that I don’t care about what you guys think but it’s different. I hope you understand.

I’ve never said ‘I love you’ and I’ve never been told that by someone. Those four letters mean a lot but what do I know – the spinster of the 21st century – your’s truly.

I’m still not sure whether I will go to the wedding tomorrow of this girl I went to school with. A friend of mine is going which is the reason I know about it. I just want to see the ceremony, the last wedding I attended was when I was 5 and I fell asleep in church because it was sooo freaking long. I also wasn’t allowed to disperse my flowers in the church, I had to do it outside. It was my uncle’s wedding and I feel like I’m wandering off topic here.

I guess this is it. I hope I didn’t scare off any of my followers by this excursion into my head. If this was too personal for you, I’m sorry, it’s not always like this. I really hope you’ll come back :-)

Running for my Sanity

14 Apr

Today pretty much sucked from its beginning even though today is saturday the 14th and not friday the 13th (I was born on a 13th of friday so I don’t really believe in that superstitious stuff surrounding the day). It all started with my mom falling down while doing our usual saturday morning shopping for the weekend. She lost the spare key to our house earlier so we needed to buy a replacement key but as she wanted to go into the shop, there was one pretty big step and she didn’t have the strength in her legs and fell down. It took 3 people to get her on her feet again. The worst is, this wasn’t the first time this has happened but at least the third that I was present.

After that, my day was already in the toilet because I again had to see how fragile she is and it breaks my heart. When she tells other people that the worst of her situation is, that she is unable to drive a car at the moment then I get angry, because it’s certainly not the worst! I’m actually relieved she is not out in traffic, causing accidents and what not, and she told that line a lot today, adding to my anger and frustration.

It’s getting harder every day to put on my mask of happiness so other people won’t see all the pain I’m in. My usual answer of “Fine” to the question of how I am doing comes up less and less as I am more and more answering with not good and then blabbing out my problems. I know that other people have problems as well, the blogosphere especially reminds me of it again and again. I also know there are millions of people out there doing way worse then me, but still, it doesn’t help me when I see my mom falling down, smashing things because she didn’t see them, running into stuff with a shopping cart, not being able to fasten her seatbelt…

At the supermarket I then bought a bag of my favorite potato chips, because that’s what I do when I am really upset, I eat and watch something. Today I chose Sex and the City 2, because it is idiotic but bound to have a fucking happy end. A half an hour before the end, I hit pause and went for a run, not because of all the stupid calories I ate before, but because I felt like it and it is the only way I know to deal with my anger and frustration and fear and all the other emotions I feel these days. I go into the woods and run up and down those small hills, pushing myself to run faster uphill so I nearly collapse when I get to the top.

I love the feeling of moving forward, that’s why treadmills are not for me, I need to see the changing scenery, being alone around God’s creation. It’s so beautiful to see how wind moves the grass, experiencing that ants can be pretty loud on dried leaves and pushing your body as hard as possible. Running gives my mind the time to think things over or let my constant heavy breathing drown out every thought and just be; be myself in motion, not stopping until I am at the bench where I have to stop and enjoy the landscape. Nothing bad can happen while you’re moving because you’re never in one place, the now can’t catch up while you’re running into the future.

My favorite place in the woods around here.

What I am trying to say with the title of this post is, I need to run, to put my frustration, anxiety, anger, self-loathing and hate into these runs in order to keep me sane because pushing my body to its limits sets free these little friends called endorphins and they can make someone happy, most of the times. Even if they fail their mission of cheering me up, at least I know that I have put all the negative energy into motion without punching someone or hurting people with my words, which sometimes I really can’t help doing because I’m this pretty direct and honest person that just has to say everything that comes to her mind without censoring it.

Although I had a great run (who knew that was possible with 175 gr. of potato chips in your tummy?!) I’m still not completely my cheerful self that I want to be but at least I am exhausted and calm now. I didn’t change my tires today, hopefully tomorrow, and I also did not work on my project for the university but frankly, I don’t feel like it today. I felt like shit to begin with and I am dwelling in the rest of these feelings to let them out which is better than to keep them bottled up forever. I really hope that after another good night’s sleep, everything will be better – I will be better, stronger, more hopeful…which I know is a very high aim.

As I was on my way home out of the woods, there were dark rain clouds in the sky so I told them to feel free to drench me in water, because it is a pretty cool feeling to be walking through raindrops when you don’t have to care about running around in wet clothes for the rest of the day. The funny thing is, they actually started to send down the rain so I looked up and thought “There is actually someone listening to me up there” which was a great feeling that might be only based on the fact that rain simply falls out of dark clouds, but who knows?!

At least I’m not angry, horny, frustrated and filled with hatred anymore, so I guess I’ve proven my point…a little bit. Now, I’m going to watch some more TV to live in worlds with happy endings and resolved problems of pretty people for a short while.

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