Tag Archives: Sad

Internalizing Thruths

22 Mar

I’m an awful liar aside from the little white lies I may be using to get out of whatever kind of event you invited me to because I’d much rather sit at home in my pyjamas and watch TV, thank you. Other than that though, I suck at this as I most recently was reminded of again while I was selling Mom’s car. However I am good at lying to myself; this blog is in some part a testament to this.

I didn’t want to be gay so I tuned out what every part of my being yelled at me and moved on until I was ready to accept this truth about myself and since then I came around full circle; I couldn’t be happier about that but I regret the time it took me to get here. There are still other parts of me under heavy construction though. Well, I will always be a work in progress and so is everybody else. As our lives change, so do we with them; we adapt and move on. This is a good thing. It would be atrocious if we ever stayed the same person; same as we were when we were 15 or 7 or…you get the picture. The circumstances of our lives deeply influence who we become as a person.

The last year may have almost broken me but it didn’t because I am strong, I may struggle with things but I can also keep my head above water even if it’s just barely. This is important to know. I’m strong and not afraid to be alone but that last part is a lie. Many post can tell you so because I do mind  being unattached even if it’s stupid. Even if it’s stupid and I know better! I’ve had my problems with this for years, many years!

I used to (and to some extend still do) believe that I’d be happier, more successful, not as lazy, a better person…if I’d:

  • loose wait
  • looked better
  • fell in love
  • finished a certain task (mostly uni related)
  • and many more things I can’t even remember right now.

The truth is, nothing falls magically into place just because one little unimportant thing changes. That’s not how life works because happiness comes from within! If I loose 5 kilos it would be nice, of course, but it wouldn’t mean I will know for what job I’m going to apply in June or when/where/if I meet the love of my life. I’ll probably still be as insecure in a lot of ways as I am now. It doesn’t make me get my shit together any more than not loosing weight, growing long hair etc.

Usually, things don’t magically fall into place, opportunities arise and you take them if you’re lucky, but constantly looking for what you think is missing, is bad and not helpful. The thing is, I knew that all along. This is not news to me, not at all but I never internalized this truth, never accepted it. Still haven’t done so completely. So this is where the heavy construction is currently located; trying to make myself believe the things I know to be true.

I am good enough! I don’t need anyone to define my life for me! I love myself (most days, because sometimes even I find myself annoying)! I am strong! I am extraordinary because I’ve been weak but also know my way out of a hole! I am not alone!

(I could not not include this scene from one of my all-time favourite shows and I didn’t just spend what felt like eternity on tumblr to find these gifs. Here’s also the link to the full scene as I only took a couple of lines from it.)

If I don’t learn to internalize the things I know I will get lost in misery faster than I can switch on the light and the darkness of my thoughts would swallow me whole. I know that because I’ve got close to it until I couldn’t take the sadness anymore. Being sad is exhausting, I’d much rather be happy which is what I’m trying to be. Happy and at ease with myself. I’m already doing better, I know as much even though the last two weeks were weird and set me back a bit.

I’ve been lying or at least not listening to myself for far too long and it’s time to stop it. I’m on my way and I can only hope that this serves as a reminder for when I am not as confident with my abilities and emotions as I want to be, should be. There will always be truths I know but don’t have accepted yet, I suppose. This shaping of a human into someone I am proud of will always be an ongoing process. Not saying I’m not proud or happy with myself now, only that there is still room for improvement. There always is.

Thank you, Doctor!

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Claws of my Heart

8 Mar

My heart – or better a part of my heart –  has been so tight in recent months, caught in anger that it wasn’t able to process any other feelings. Anger towards a disease science has yet to find a cure for; anger at the person having said illness. It’s been almost six months since Mom’s passing away and only now am I finally feeling the grip of that anger lessen, making it not easier but harder to remember her.

In the last year, I started hating her, yes, actually hating my own mother; hating her for getting sick and being an impossible patient; for making my life miserable and hard; but mostly for reversing our roles. It was all so messed up, I was trying to hold myself together as best as I could while trying to take her to all those doctor’s appointments, making sure she took her meds, ate, didn’t burn down the house, had enough money in her bank account. Those were not my responsibilities, they were hers, she was the mother but I was taking care of her. And I hated it. As her cancer progressed, so did my hatred for her until she died and I was relieved of the never-ending worries of how and when. I was actually glad.

It meant that I could finally breathe again, lick my wounds and start to heal. The months before, I was barely holding on, I was overwhelmed with everything, mostly because I didn’t see it ever changing. A sea of misery and I was in the middle of it, holding on to the smallest piece of wood possible while wave after wave was trying to swallow me whole. I am not sorry for hating her as I know I didn’t hate the actual person but the character her cancer turned her into but it has taken me all these months to actually – finally – miss her because I was still so caught up in my anger.

Now the memories of “patient mom” are fading away and instead the “just mom” sentiments are resurfacing. This sweet, lovely woman that was always trying to give me everything I could possibly want and I am finally missing her. Only, it hurts! FEELINGS ARE THE WORST!

This realisation dawned upon on me earlier today as I was at the university when the thought of a Mom-hug popped into my head out of the blue. I didn’t want a hug but just remembering that I will never be hugged like that again made my eyes fill with tears. Mom-hugs are these special kind of hugs that are filled with unconditional love and an edge of everything-will-turn-out-right-in-the-end that only a parent, but especially a mother, can give. Stupid feelings, I couldn’t start ugly sobbing right then and there in an office with 4 guys. I tried to push those emotions back down but was not successful at it. So I left earlier than I had planned for today because I needed to process these feelings. Holding stuff back only comes back to bite one in the ass and I was not gonna do that. This is me processing because I have feelings and I don’t know where to put them – so I write them down. My answer to everything. Keep on writing.

I am The Woman

8 Jan

Do you ever have a line from a poem or song or even movie stuck in your head, cannot get it out? Well for me, it is this poem:

I am the woman

Ulla Hahn, 1993

Please excuse the crappy translation, I used Google Translate and my own judgement. It’s better in German, of course, but I wanted to post it here so I needed it in English as well.

I read this poem in grade 12 not because I had to, but because I went through my German lit textbook and found it there. It struck a chord in me and judging from the fact that I still remember it over six years later means something. I like the melancholy in it – on some days, it’s all you got.

It’s only tuesday and this week is already a big kill-joy because after over a week of sleeping until noon and staying up way past midnight, I have to go back to uni and my thesis at a sensible hour, which means getting up in the morning – which sucks. Big time.

I don’t remember the last day of sunshine I saw, it was probably around Christmas at my uncles place (btw, for those who care, I chickened out, never got an opening to say what I wanted to say so I didn’t) but here it’s all been grey clouds and rain and mist hanging in the air. Really depressing. The days are short and dark and I’m out of bed way too early for my liking so my mood’s been far from ideal which makes my mind think too much for its own good.

On my way back from lunch today, the poem above popped back into my head and it made me think how in some ways, I’m still the same girl I was six years ago when I first read it and in other ways I so am not. I did grow up because I had to but I’m still the lonely woman in the poem. She is me, it’s that simple.

My Facebook timeline is not helping – a friend uploads a picture of her and her boyfriend, another one changes her relationship status to not single anymore and I feel left out because nothing changes in that department for me. Ever. More and more of my friends are engaged/married/in a relationship and it makes me cynical. Whenever I pass a couple holding hands I want to curse and I’m not even sure why. I also dislike the fact that this is a recurring topic on this blog and am sorry for repeating myself but then again, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

At the top of my head, there are only 2 of my friends I can think of who are still single and I think it’s mostly by choice and not by lack of opportunity as in my case. Don’t misunderstand me, I am happy for everyone that finds love and is not alone anymore because that is just great but it is like seeing the thing you really, really wanted for Christmas and everyone got it except for you.

It has never been difficult for me to be on my own, sometimes I even look for chances to keep to myself because I’m not used to sharing and being all bubbly and open and everything – and maybe there lies the problem. I don’t need four friends around me at all times, I don’t mind sitting at home alone with a book. Just sometimes, it is too much – too much loneliness and darkness and moodiness to keep it all inside. Today is such a day. Let’s just hope tomorrow will be better.

The Weakness in Me

30 Oct

Today I need a little pick-me-up. I don’t know where exactly this is coming from, maybe the sudden change in weather and the fact that it never got really bright today. You go outside and it’s kinda depressing. I’ve just been feeling down and it didn’t help that my uncle tried to guilt me by reminding me that I need to finish my studies. As if I didn’t know as much. I’m aware that I need to stop wasting my days surfing on the internet doing almost nothing. It was family lunch and I didn’t want to throw the dead-mom-card at him but, yes, I kinda wanted to.

For Pete’s sake, this is the first time in over a year that I’m allowed to not worry, to do nothing. The last two term breaks I was either doing an internship or spending my time studying for exams/ and having lectures on block. There was never a real break and there will not be another one, once I start my thesis and graduate. I’ll start working and then that’s it. So excuse me for wanting to prolong this moment. I had a rough year! You have no idea what it takes to take care of a sick person almost completely on your own. Everything that once was a constant in my life is gone or changed. I have to adjust to being on my own.

My birthday month is coming up and it feels strange knowing it’ll be the first one without her. I still don’t really miss Mom, but I think about her every day. I still get angry at her for being messy, I’m happy when I know that I can do what I want now but she is always in the back of my mind. And that’s ok, it would be weird if she weren’t.

On the outside though, I appear to be so strong. I’ve always been this way, when we moved and Mom was panicking because there was still so much to do I was the voice of reason and encouragement, assuring her everything will work out- and it did. That’s who I am because I needed to be the optimist in more situations than I can even remember. I almost never fall apart in front of people, I do this alone. I cry when I know nobody will hear or see me. I don’t argue unless in made up conversations I have with myself. I don’t think I ever had a fight with anybody, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I fume silently until my anger is resolved and then I move on.

Sometimes I wish a friend would pull me into a hug not for a greeting but because they see that I need one. But how would they know when I have my amour in place? Or they’re out of physical reach which is normal. When I wish I had someone close by there’s no one available and when I am with them I don’t feel so down. Ugh, my insights are a mess.

It’s never been in my nature to let other people see my weaknesses which is stupid. I want to but something is preventing me from it. Does this even make any sense? I can comfortably pour my heart out in writing but actually talking to people is so difficult no matter how much real human interaction I crave.

As much as I love my friends, I want more, like most of us do (or so I assume). I wrote about it before but I want someone beside me, who holds my hand while we walk down the street, who is there when I wake up and who sleeps beside me. But I haven’t figured out how to get there. It appears to be so easy for most people but it’s too difficult for me. It’s a wonder I even have friends because I don’t know how it happened. I only remember it took time and being stuck with them in school for years was a big help. Only, I don’t go to school anymore so where am I supposed to meet people and make real connections?

The bottom line is – I feel alone – and whining on the internet is not gonna change anything about this situation but it still helps a little. So goodnight and happy Halloween folks. And for the Protestants out there, happy Reformation Day!

It’s been two days

16 Sep

It’s been two days now since my Mom passed away. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it except that I don’t really feel sad. I cried when I got THE call and the next morning I went to see my gran but after that I haven’t.

Everything happened so fast. Thursday I came back from my vacation and on the car-ride home from the aiport I called my gran since I hadn’t talked to her in a week (because my stupid phone decided to throw a temper tantrum ever after I left Ottawa) and she told me to come see my mom that day. I hadn’t planned to do so. All I wanted to do was go to sleep since I’d been up for 24 hours. Nevertheless I got into my car and drove to the hospice my mom was relocated to earlier that day.

She looked worse than when I left 3 weeks prior but I expected that. My best friend who picked me up from the airport had already told me that he believed my mom was only waiting to see me again before she could let go. As it turned out, that’s exactly what happened. So I went to the hospice and she was still awake. I briefly talked to her but she was confused a lot. When I tried to make her look at me, she only looked past me with empty eyes. It was a short visit of under an hour but I promised to come back the next day. All I could think about was going to sleep, and so I did. Slept for 12 hours before I got a call from the nurse at the hospice telling me Mom’s condition had worsened considerably during the night. I told them I’d come by later since I had some things I needed to take care of before. But I called my gran who went there immediately.

I got there around 9 am and she was unconscious, just getting another dose of morphine to calm her down and keep her of pain. It was so tough to look at her like that. Both the nurse and my gran (she’s seen a lot of people die, too many by now) informed me that it won’t be long now and they were right. Shorty before 10 pm the same day she passed away. I had only left her 1 1/2 hours earlier as my gran had settled in at her bedside for the night. I needed to go to sleep again since I’m still jet lagged. I was already asleep when Gran called to inform me. I asked if I needed to come down there but was relieved when I needn’t to.

And like that I became and orphan. Well, technically I’m not but since I don’t know where my father is and I haven’t even seen him in years, it feels like it. He’s nothing more than a sperm donor to me. My small family got even smaller. But at least I was granted one wish, that the day of mom’s death won’t be the same as the birthday of my best friend.

I could beat myself up for not feeling more sad at the moment but that would be stupid, I guess. Maybe my head is still in vacation mode and it will probably take a while until my consciousness will have caught up with reality but I also know that it’s better for all of us this way. She wouldn’t have recovered from that type of cancer, nobody ever does. I couldn’t have taken her home again because the last weeks before my vacation had taught me that I couldn’t take care of her anymore by myself. And my granny was/ still is taking it the hardest. She was alone with her the last three weeks as I got to go away. She’s been in emotional pain for a long while now but also in physical pain since she desperately needs an operation to at least relieve her of some of the pain in her knee. She can hardly walk anymore because of it but put everything on hold as Mom got progressively worse. Now we can all begin to heal again. Slowly.

My body’s been shaking since I started typing this post but there aren’t any tears left. I’m all cried out from months upon months of desperation, not knowing when and how it would end. The day Mom left for good I was so calm, so damn calm. I only cried when Gran was sitting next to her, holding her hand saying a prayer. My family is not the most religious bunch especially not my Mom but since she was unconscious it was more for my Gran. She needed it! And it was heartbreaking only my heart had already been broken a long while ago. It’s different to loose a parent, it’s the normal cycle of life but loosing your child is so much more wrong! So much more! It pains me to see Gran so sad.

The funeral is already arranged and will be next saturday so my cousins won’t need to be kept out of school a they have to get here from the south. We only have to pick a tree since she won’t be buried in a typical grave. I don’t care for graves and can’t predict if I’ll stay in this town once I finished studying so it’s the better alternative. I also bought clothes to wear for saturday. Gran wants me to dress in dark clothes for a while but I will only do so until the funeral. I don’t own a lot of black as I prefer colourful clothes and refuse to buy stuff I won’t wear later. Also, I should be allowed to be dressed in clothes I feel comfortable in, that I like and not just for the sake of a colour.

It may be silly to some of you that I had to recap this so detailed but somehow I needed to do so. Things only ever get real after I write them down, get them out. Thanks for staying with me. I foresee a lighter future for this blog and a recap of my awesome vacation in Canada.

Hallelujah

10 Aug

It’s almost 11 pm and I’m sitting on my balcony, in the dark. The thermometer tells me it’s 15°C and I’m lying on the chair in shorts waiting for the cold to numb my heartache.

Above me the starts are partially covered by clouds and Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’ is playing on repeat because it soothes my aching heart and soul.

I feel like I’m falling apart – bit by bit- until nothing more is left. I need to cry but I don’t want to. I don’t want the puffy eyes and running nose that come with it. I want to hit things – break stuff. Instead I’m writing – trying to get my rage out.

I’m tired but I have a hard time falling asleep because so much is going on in my head. Today my beloved Granny collapsed at the doctor because of all that’s happening with my mom. She is 78 and also tired of this constant battle – this battle with a person who doesn’t eat. Fair enough the chemo treatment messes with her senses but still. It’s no wonder she is this weak – the woman doesn’t eat! Everything we make her, she picks at it and leaves half of it on her plate.

I can only hope Granny will have some strength restored from a long sleep. The doc gave her something so she’d be out a while. It’s bad enough I’m loosing one family member a bit every day, I don’t want to loose two at the same time!

I can’t wait to leave Mom at the hospital on monday because then I’ll have 2-4 days of not having to worry. She falls down nearly every day now. Do you know how hard it is to get a grown woman off the floor by yourself?  Someone that is weak? I’m quite strong but it’s still not enough. I’m getting better at it but it’s not how it’s supposed to be.

NOTHING IS LIKE IT’S SUPPOSED TO ANYMORE!!!!

Parents shouldn’t have to worry about their children like this! And yes, I shouldn’t be imprisoned by someone elses illness either. I don’t want to constantly have to worry when I leave the house.

JUST FUCK YOU CANCER. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

Thankfully we now have a placement for her beginning the day after I leave for Canada so she’ll be taken care of for 4 weeks.

When she falls, a part of me wishes that she hits her head badly enough on something so she dies. Or when I come into the room and she’s asleep in the TV chair and I can’t immediately see if she’s still breathing I hope for a second that she fell asleep for good. But then I see her chest moving and know she’s still with us.

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!!! BUT I DO!! IT’S TERRIBLE!!!

It’s now 10 past 11 pm and I’ll go to bed now, read a bit – hoping it will move my mind off things – restore some happiness inside of me. The next post will be lighter, I promise!

Something’s Missing

16 Jul

I feel my posts are lacking lightness and happiness recently but I don’t know where to take it from, I’m sorry. I feel sad and lonely which is probably why I’m jeaouls of the people I know that have a clear understanding of where they’re headed.

I’m not doing enough of anything, taking care of my mom, keeping the house in order, finishing my studies… I know it, I feel it every day but I can’t change it.

My mom’s chemo treatments have had a bad effect on her blood lately so the next two rounds of chemo were delayed. We still don’t know when they will start again but as her blood tests are showing improvement it will probably not be for long. Still she is so weak, so forgetful and just not the person I knew for most of my life.

Often I ask myself if going through all this shit is really worth it. The possibility of surviving this kind of tumor is near to zero and I don’t feel like the time I have with her is doing me much good. As much as it pains me to say this, but for me, she more or less died a while ago even though her body is still around. But what else is left of that independent woman that raised me, the person who fought so many battles to give me everything she thought I might need? Not much.

My life has me in chains so to speak. She is just a phone call or a text message away and she lets me know this. I don’t feel like I have that much time to myself even though I hardly spent time with her except going to the doctors or other appointments with her. Every time she tells me how good a person I am my heart shouts “NO, I really am not!” because I feel like a looser. I wish I could break free of it all, just leave her behind and start my own life someplace else. But how is this ever going to be possible unless she dies?

I’m not talking to her much lately because I don’t want her advice and also because explaining stuff to her is just really annoying lately since she has a hard time understanding more difficult things. I’m still not finished with my student research project (but getting closer) and I don’t have a place for my thesis yet. She has been asking me about these things a lot for a couple of days now but I refuse to explain her why it’s taking me so damn long because I don’t have an answer for myself. I’m lazy, some things are still missing, I’m stubborn and I don’t know what I will do after graduation.

So I try to avoid talking about this but she keeps getting back to the subject, threatening to talk to our neighbour who is advising my project. I told her that I didn’t want her doing it but she won’t give it a rest. The thing is though that I have to do this on my own, I don’t want my mommy taking care of everything (which she also can’t do anymore). I’m grown up enough to sort out my own things or else how will I ever learn??? I’ve been clear about this, that I want  and need to do this on my own, but she doesn’t understand it.

She thinks we’re in a fight (which we’re not) because I don’t want to talk to her about it and she says that she feels our relationship has taken a bad turn. It probably has but not just recently. It’s been getting worse as her illness has gotten worse. Which makes me feel so, so bad. It does! But I can’t help it.

I want a goddamn break from everything around here which I will get in about four weeks when I’ll leave for my Canada trip. I can’t wait to leave! When I go out with friends I’m still not really free, she calls me with not so necessary things or texts me. I can’t ignore them because something serious could have happened but it hardly ever does. In Canada though I’ll have an excuse to leave my cell phone off because it would be too expensive to talk to her all the time. Ha!

Then again I feel like a horrible person because I can’t show her more empathy, be there for her more. I just don’t know how to do it.

The night she was rushed to the hospital as an emergency I told God (or whomever I believe in) that He could have her. Since He made it pretty clear that she won’t come out on the upper side of things, that it was ok with me if she died. I want it to be quick, maybe an aneurism bursting in her head…so she won’t feel a thing. It’s been three months now and she is still here and I wonder why. What’s the purpose of her sticking around this long?

– Well, I have no clue!

I only know that she is still here and I’m still here, both caught in the ties that bind us to each other. I’m so sorry this is such a depressing and dark post but I need to get things off my chest.

Most people say/ wish/ want to live their lives to the fullest, enjoy every moment of it. I don’t feel like I ever really did that. In general my life is a good one, I have many luxeries, enough to eat and drink. A functioning health care system, friends, hobbies and a loving but small family. Still I’m never satisfied and rather complain about it a lot.  I’m 24 and I feel so overwhelmed with the task that was laid upon me – taking care of my sick mother and being mostly alone with it except for my granny.

I wish I could do great things, help people, make the world a better place to live in, and yes, live my life to the fullest. But how can I do that when I fail at being a better person in my own home? How does one live the crap out of one’s life anyway?

Time seems to be fleeting, going faster with every day that goes by. How many days do I even have left before it is all over and I have to look back at what I did with my precious time on earth. Will I be sorry in the end?

My greatest fear is not being loved and not loving enough. Will I ever fall head over heals, madly in love with another person? Will I ever be loved back in an equal way? I want this so badly yet I’m afraid of putting myself out there. Being gay is most likely not improving my chances at finding a partner. I’m just so sick and tired of being alone, going to bed alone, waking up alone, going through my days hoping things will change but not having the the nerve to actually change things.

I feel as far away from accomplishing any of my dreams as possible. I don’t see the road anymore and some dreams are vanishing in the mist that covers most of them.

So far, the only thing I figured out about myself is, that I need to run at least once a week to keep my inner bitch tied to the ground. So, even though it rains and rains and rains, I go into the forest and run because it’s the only thing helping me these days.

This post has been long enough now, and I applaud everyone who made it this far. Thank you for enduring my ranting and complaining and whining. I’m also sorry for using ‘I’ so much. It must mean I’m pretty self-centered most of the time. See you tomorrow. Maybe my mind won’t be this dark after sleeping tonight? – Oh, one can only hope.

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