Tag Archives: Ramblings

Normalcy is overrated, right?

4 Sep

Today I came across a blog post by the lovely Emmy in which she talks about the difficulties she has about explaining where she is from/what exactly made her her. I couldn’t explain it either, there is only one thing I remember about growing up which is still with me in some way – wanting to feel normal.

There is not one single definition as to what makes a life normal and another one abnormal. There are definitions as to what the adjective ‘normal’ refers to but what is a normal human being? How does he/she feel? I guess many people think of themselves as different, so here is my tale.

The first time I felt different was in kindergarten when I was asked what my father’s job was and I couldn’t answer. At that time he still lived with me and mom but I had no clue as to what his job was since he spent most of his time at home but not like a stay at home parent. All I knew was that he was not really unemployed but not really employed either as he was doing stuff that wasn’t cool. Kindergarten!Me didn’t know what to make of it so I said I didn’t exactly know; the first of many such explanations. All I wanted was to be able to say, hey, my dad is a police man, a firefighter, construction worker, secretary etc. but I couldn’t because it wasn’t the truth.

I knew from an early age that my parents weren’t happily married; in fact one of my first memories is seeing my father shove my mom into a wall so hard it left a crack in it. I heard them yelling at each other too many times, mostly about money. To this day I don’t know everything but I know enough to be sure he was an ass. The rest, I really do not want to know. I have no idea why my mom didn’t divorce him sooner but once he moved out of the house I was glad. However it was another thing that said I wasn’t normal – my parents were separated whereas all my friends at school had mostly happy families with parents that were still married and living together without yelling at each other all the time. I wanted that so badly.

In 2003 I had to have surgery on my hip which meant I didn’t have to go on the class trip to France (which I was more than happy about) but it also meant I was running around on crutches for the better part of that year, having physical therapy and all sorts of stuff. Regarding medical issues one can have, my hip dysplasia is a light weight but nevertheless none of the other kids had to explain why they needed surgery. When they were on crutches, it was because they had broken a bone or sprained their ankle like normal kids/teens.

Of course this post couldn’t be complete without talking about being gay since it took me so long to accept that about myself. I have a very specific memory of thinking “Please don’t let me be gay, please, I want to be like everyone else”. I was in fifth or sixth grade by then, maybe even younger. So for the next ten years I wasn’t gay, I was trying to find boys exciting but I failed miserably. When a boy tried to kiss me (at least I think that’s what he was doing) in seventh grade, I just ran away. I had no problem flirting with him over text messages but heaven forbid we were face to face. Back then, I didn’t realise why I ran away from him, or why I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel about the next one, in retrospect it makes sense though.

To this day I feel like the odd kid out, I frequently cannot remember German words while I know the exact right phrase in English. I watch shows that none of the people around me have watched whereas I don’t keep up with crappy reality TV like everyone else. There are things I feel like someone my age should have experience by now, like falling in love, being in a relationship, going on a date and all that stuff. I don’t have a father anymore, or a mother. I keep the biggest part of my online life secret from most people in my life except my closest friends because they don’t understand why I live online like this. I hardly ever felt normal. I still don’t. Maybe that is a lot of bullshit, lots of people have weird things going on in their lives, I am by far an exception and normalcy is overrated anyway. Just sometimes I’d like to be able to see the normal, easy road ahead of me instead of the unpaved road I usually travel on.

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Oppositionalism

21 Aug

The whole vlog every day in August thing has made me think about a lot of things I normally don’t spent too much time thinking about. For example, today’s topic about insecurities left me fairly unsatisfied as I didn’t know how to express what I feel because I don’t even know how I feel. I acknowledge that I have a lot of insecurities but I can’t label them let alone rank them.

And somehow my brain jumped from that to the fact that I cannot stand when people tell me what to do. I never did. I don’t enjoy unasked advice because I think I need to be able to make my own decisions, let them be mistakes but they are my mistakes and I need to make them in order to learn. If you tell me to watch Angel for example because he is less broody and annoying on his own show than he was on Buffy, I will probably cross my arms in front of my chest and do exactly the opposite of never even checking out the show. Especially if I said I don’t care for the character and you keep telling me that he’s totes better on his own show. Nope, sorry but I will not do that. In fact, it makes me want to do the exact opposite of what you suggested.

I can’t exactly explain where this is coming from nor have I any interest in changing this thing about myself. I was a good kid growing up and I understand how biased this is, coming from me. Nevertheless I tried to not cause any trouble to Mom and Grandma and I did a good job at such. Therefore these two authority figures in my life didn’t have to tell me much of what to do or tried to make me into someone I wasn’t. My grandma is probably the only person that I actually take orders from because she has earned the right to put me in my place from time to time.

If you want me to do something I may not be fully on board with, try to make it sound like it’s my own idea. I just have this need to do things myself, in my own way, however shitty that may turn out to be. I hardly ever ask for advice because I should be able to figure things out for myself. This is probably narrowing my ability to grow as a person or whatnot but that’s fine with me. I’m plenty of a person to begin with. I don’t even like asking for directions and only do so begrudgingly, like after walking up and down the hardware store three times without finding what I was looking for. Then, and only then I may consider asking for help.

The classmates of my long passed grandfather wrote about his character in the school paper that he was against it on principal. I guess that’s where I’m coming from as well.

“Aus Prinzip dagegen.”

And with this I’m ending tonights reflective insight to who I am. Maybe I will actually manage to create a more interesting and substantial post in the near future. Don’t get your hopes up though ;)

Mina goes Grown-Up

30 Jul

Yep, you read that right, this little blogger is in the business of growing up, just a little bit though. I’m not ready for the whole nine yards yet. However, I managed to graduate from the university with my very own diploma in Industrial Engineering!! I think this calls for a little dance party, what would you say?

lemon dance 4

lemon dance 3

See, that was fun. Now onto the not so fun parts of graduating, having to actually work for a living, look for a job and all those other pesky things. I’ve taken my sweet time to get there when you keep in mind that I handed in my thesis at the end of May. Whoops. Sorry, not sorry. I took some time off traveling and avoiding responsibilities but now it’s time to actually do something useful with my time. (Not that marathoning all the TV shows of ever is not a useful thing in my book, but, you know, something that pays the bills.)

Yesterday I sent out a couple of applications and just in time I might add to get my uncle off my back because they’re coming over on the upcoming weekend. This had me spending my sunday night analysing why I’m dreading their arrival. Many points were already made in a post earlier this year. He won’t be able to complain though since I actually applied for some jobs. I even bought my very first pant suit which incidentally makes me want to throw up because, ugh, adulthood. I may also have created my very first online dating profile and I still don’t know how that makes me feel.

I fully plan on blogging about my holiday sometime soon but I’ve been too lazy to do so until now and with VEDA starting on Thursday, I guess it won’t happen too soon?! Will see, can’t promise anything. Have a Blurred Lines gender-swap video while you wait, m’kay?

How has life been treating you guys? What’s new? Talk to me!

Life post Graduation

14 Jul

I am officially done with my degree in industrial engineering now even though I will stay enrolled until the end of term for insurance and pension reasons. Alas, this means I will have to find a job but I still have no idea what I want to do. Sure, I’d love to work for ESA the European Space Agency but that sounds highly unlikely. I would also love to write a book (lol, I know) or get paid for watching TV but those are all not very realistic scenarios.

My options are not limitless or better so, I am limiting myself by region. This is something I never thought I would do but things have changed and I have to adapt. I have a house to think of. Of course I could rent it out but that would mean cleaning it out first, and it is full of mine and Mom’s entire life. I have more stuff that I care to have but that doesn’t mean I can easily get rid of these things either. Also, getting a decent tenant is not the easiest thing these days. You can get lucky, sure, but you can also end up with hoarders that more or less destroy your beautiful house. I am just not ready for that. I am not. I cannot pack my things and move on from here, I wish I could but it’s not just the house, it’s other things as well. There is my Grandma and the theatre that I love being a part of and don’t completely want to give up.

And honestly, at this point, I don’t care about going out into the world. I know I should. I am young, this is the time to do it, yada yada yada. I just don’t feel it, okay?! I want to go on long holidays like last year, maybe own a summerhouse by some gorgeous lake in southern Sweden but I don’t need to flee this country right now. No matter where you live, it’s never perfect so I’ll stay here for a while. Where I know what to expect and am integrated into the community.

Last month I met with my godmother, she lives in Berlin with her husband and our little city naturally was too small for them. Of course it was. Of course. I get it, you live in the capital, that’s awesome, I like the city very much but I don’t feel too limited where I am just now, thank you. Frankfurt and Cologne are not that far away and until American Eagle opens a store anywhere in Germany, it doesn’t really matter where I am as I found Marshmallow fluff in the grocery store. What more could I possibly want? – Ahoi chewy chocolate chip cookies, thanks for asking.

Despite my high flying dreams of what I would like to do, I will try and downsize it a lot, go for a big local company and see if they will hire me. There I can get a start, see if I am really as terrible at anything else aside from TV watching or not. Maybe I will even find something that makes me almost happy and I can deal with my emotional and stuffy baggage then. This sounds reasonably which means I will have to learn how to write applications and do job interviews now. After all, this is the first time in my life I am out of the educational system and without a specific plan for the future.

Deserving

10 Jul

Again I apologise for my long absence. I’ve been busy with acting, finishing school, traveling and avoiding adulthood. I’ll try to get back into posting more regularly though. I swear.

_____

My university did not have a lot of partnerships with english speaking universities and my one and only choice was to go to Sweden but the placements there were few with many applicants. However I was one of the chosen ones and got to go to my dream university. From there on out my love affair with Sweden began.

Why am I telling you this? Because I just got back from my holiday in Sweden and it was marvellous; I wish I didn’t have to leave. I got to spend time again with my Swedish Friend Family. That’s a program my host university in Sweden was offering, you write a little bit about yourself and the nice lady in the office tries to match you with a willing family to experience some life outside of campus and university. I don’t remember what I wrote but as my biggest hobby is doing theatre I definitely put that down in my text. And what do you know? I got matched with this brilliant family that is into music and theatre themselves. I had a splendid time when I hung out with them and now it’s three years later and we are still in contact.

Sometimes I wonder though, how did I get so lucky? I mean, I always wonder that when something extraordinarily good happens in my life like the things I mentioned above. Where did I go right, why do I deserve this? Or do I actually deserve this? I am not special, fairly mediocre to be honest and I live too much online but somehow I have these people in my life that I can only be grateful for. My life has not always been peanut-butter and fluff but it wasn’t bad at all either. Through some random happenings though I was blessed with lovely friends and great people. I have no idea how that works and why things work in my favour like this. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me eternally happy but how?

HOW?

Tell me what I did right in my 25 years so far so I can continue doing it. I don’t really believe in karma; do good things so they will come back to you. I’m trying to be a decent human being but that surely cannot be enough, can it? I make my fair share of stupid mistakes and wrong choices but here I am, having great things happening to me. This whole thought-process is probably very weird but it was on my mind so here ya go. If any of my dear readers has any wisdom on the subject to offer, I’d appreciate it.

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(And now that I put this out here I will probably have a horrible time finding a decent job but okay)

Hiatus

7 Jun

Do you ever stop blogging for a certain reason and then it takes you forever to pick the habit back up? You say: One more day, which turns into a week and whatnot. Yeah that’s me *waves* I’ll have to ease back into this, I guess.

I survived the epic horror that was writing my thesis for the last couple of weeks and I handed it in last Friday, yay!! I am just so happy that it’s over, I cannot tell you. Now, I have free time again to watch TV and blog and read and do all the stuff I like to do. Yeah, I know, looking for a job should be a priority right now, but I don’t know what I want, except that I want a little bit more time to procrastinate. It’s silly and stupid and of course my Uncle couldn’t refrain himself from asking me what’s next when he and his family visited last weekend.

His inquiring made me mad. Irrationally so but still mad. He had a job after he got his PhD and that is all fine and good but I am not him. I take time to make phone calls because I dislike talking to strangers on the phone. And I happen to not have a clue what kind of job my university education should gain me. I don’t feel at home in the business part of a company but I feel like I don’t know enough about engineering either. And there is nothing I desperately want to be.

However my slackerdom also makes me question my motives. Is there maybe a part in me that I inherited from my do-no-good father? I am afraid of just that because I really don’t need any of his traits in me. And it really only has been one week since I handed in my thesis. That’s not too bad, I guess. I had to catch up on lots of sleep and I am doing some traveling as well now that I am done. Next week, yeah next week sounds like a good one to start thinking about my future.

Tonight I meet with my Mom’s bestfriend from the age they were 5 or 6 and she’s also my godmother. We haven’t seen each other in over a year and not talked much either, especially since Mom died. I’m already anticipating ALL THE QUESTION. And I don’t have answers. Not having answers makes me feel like an idiot. So here I am stuck between idiocy and procrastination. I promise the next posts will be better. This is just me trying to overcome my hiatus.

Emotional Overflow Error

26 May

I didn’t expect graduating from University would rouse all these feelings and yet here I am crying at 1 am. The last weeks have been stressful and that’s okay, it’s the final stage of writing my thesis and that’s bound to be a difficult time without a lot of sleep. I’ve had too many feelings of inadequacy that could fill an entire post on it’s own. What hits me right now though is that I miss my Mom exponentially more than before.

I miss going downstairs and telling her how I feel and that it seems like I can’t do right with this thesis. I miss going downstairs for a hug that would be full of love and making me fell infinity times better. I miss my Mom. Period.

I thought it would be better by now but on the contrary, my feelings are working overtime even though I could really do without them. The thing is, she should be here. She should be able to see me graduate, leave school for the first time in my life. And she is not.

Today I got a call from my uncle because I haven’t called in a while (so have they but whatever) and that’s because I was busy falling apart and piecing myself back together while I struggle through writing a thesis on a daily basis. There has not been a lot of time for anything lately (like blogging or theatre). He asked me if I had put beer in the fridge and I assume this was because tonight was some big soccer match. I don’t care about bloody soccer though and I don’t like beer. However, here I am hours later obsessing over the fact that nobody knows me anymore because the person that knew me best is dead. Sure, Grandma knows me very well too, but it’s different. And I don’t want to take this out on her because it hurts her too. I cannot hurt her. Uncle asked how I was doing. As if I’d spill all my feelings over the phone! We haven’t spoken in weeks and you expect me to tell you all about my emotions and insecurities that are on high alert right now. I’m graduating next week so take a wild guess as to how I am!

It’s not his fault but I am not okay right now. I honestly didn’t expect it to be this hard. Maybe that’s why I didn’t put too much effort in my thesis in the beginning, I was stalling, trying to avoid this final step of migrating into a new stage of my life. A stage my Mom should be part of. She should be here, cheering me on and being happy when I hand in my finished work next week. No amount of wishing can bring her back and all of this is highly irrational but that doesn’t make things less painful right now. I just want to turn off all these feelings but naturally I cannot.

Instead I am sitting here, crying, rambling incoherently while Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah is trying to soothe my inner turmoil. I cannot wait for it to be Friday. 5 days and everything can calm down again. I can socialise again because that’s what’s additionally fuelling these feelings. Being lonely because I haven’t seen a lot of people lately. I didn’t have the time but it’s very isolating and counterproductive. I have no problem with being alone, I’ve always cherished it but being lonely is something else. Too many emotions at the same time.

All I need is 5 more days without all these emotions and feelings. I am a very rational being who’s not used to all this irrational crap. My brain and my heart are in different universes at the moment making me the emotional black hole of feelings. Just ugh!

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