Tag Archives: Procrastination

Hiatus

7 Jun

Do you ever stop blogging for a certain reason and then it takes you forever to pick the habit back up? You say: One more day, which turns into a week and whatnot. Yeah that’s me *waves* I’ll have to ease back into this, I guess.

I survived the epic horror that was writing my thesis for the last couple of weeks and I handed it in last Friday, yay!! I am just so happy that it’s over, I cannot tell you. Now, I have free time again to watch TV and blog and read and do all the stuff I like to do. Yeah, I know, looking for a job should be a priority right now, but I don’t know what I want, except that I want a little bit more time to procrastinate. It’s silly and stupid and of course my Uncle couldn’t refrain himself from asking me what’s next when he and his family visited last weekend.

His inquiring made me mad. Irrationally so but still mad. He had a job after he got his PhD and that is all fine and good but I am not him. I take time to make phone calls because I dislike talking to strangers on the phone. And I happen to not have a clue what kind of job my university education should gain me. I don’t feel at home in the business part of a company but I feel like I don’t know enough about engineering either. And there is nothing I desperately want to be.

However my slackerdom also makes me question my motives. Is there maybe a part in me that I inherited from my do-no-good father? I am afraid of just that because I really don’t need any of his traits in me. And it really only has been one week since I handed in my thesis. That’s not too bad, I guess. I had to catch up on lots of sleep and I am doing some traveling as well now that I am done. Next week, yeah next week sounds like a good one to start thinking about my future.

Tonight I meet with my Mom’s bestfriend from the age they were 5 or 6 and she’s also my godmother. We haven’t seen each other in over a year and not talked much either, especially since Mom died. I’m already anticipating ALL THE QUESTION. And I don’t have answers. Not having answers makes me feel like an idiot. So here I am stuck between idiocy and procrastination. I promise the next posts will be better. This is just me trying to overcome my hiatus.

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Still here

9 May

Yep, I’m still here but I’ve lacked the blogging spirit lately. I blame the pesky thesis, because after spending hours on that each day, I just don’t have anything to say on here. Sometimes I get an idea of what to blog while I’m at uni and I draft it on my notepad but when I finally get to go home the moment’s kind of passed and I don’t feel like saying anything anymore.

Don’t worry, I still plan on writing those posts because they are not bad but need more brain activity than I’m currently willing to devote to them.

Today’s a holiday where I live and I thank the heavens for it because I could use the extra hours of sleep. I keep having weird dreams again, some of them I could really do without but we’ve already been over this. I’m so happy when it’s the 31st of May already and I am done with all of it.

The problem is that my mind is already planning my after thesis time, like, I already have my Facebook update drafted in my mind that I’ll be putting up as soon as I hand in my work. And then there are my various vacations I am so looking forward to that get more real with every hostel reservation and train ticket I book. Summer, here I come…or…you know…in 3 weeks.

There’s also a self-imposed curfew I’ve got until the end of May; no going out after midnight because otherwise it takes me like 2 days to recover and I don’t have that kind of time right now. Wow, this turned into a whiny post way too fast, sorry. Just wanted to say I’m still here and haven’t forgotten about this blog, just that I’m out of words at the moment. Take this snipped of a song instead. Unfortunately the whole song was never released but I still like the little piece we got from it.

How are you? What have you been up to?

Winning Adulthood … Or Not?!

13 Mar

Like any self-respecting 20-something blogger I struggle with the concept of adulthood in one form or another. Most days I consider myself a failure at being grown-up. I eat all kinds of shit and not the most appropriate things in regard to the time of day, watch too much telly and dress in all colours of the rainbow. Also, referring to adults as grown-ups should clearly show that I’m not yet a full member of that club.

I couldn't find a bloody gif for this scene of Gilmore Girls so you get this instead. Also, reciting life-advice from TV shows?! No adult!

I couldn’t find a bloody gif for this scene of Gilmore Girls so you get this instead. Also, reciting life-advice from TV shows?! Not an adult!

Last week I tweeted how I again failed at being a responsible adult because I stayed in bed instead of getting up at a reasonable hour to go working on my thesis. It didn’t matter that I planned to get up in the morning on the night before because against better judgement of myself, I turned my alarm clock off. Kirsti was kind enough to put things into perspective for me though.

Please ignore the typos. I was still in bed and only typing with one eye open because the screen was so bright.

Please ignore the typos. I was still in bed and only typing with one eye open because the screen was so bright.

So, as it turns out, I’m actually winning adulthood. BAM!

The thing is, I don’t even know what makes an adult and adult. Working? – fail; Catching up on responsibilities? – about 50/50; Being able to call non-family members on the phone? – Only if I mentally prepare myself for a couple of days; Being asked if I’m old enough to drink? – Too many times to count.

That’s all I can think of and it doesn’t even sound legitimate as a point of reference. Maybe I’m better than I give myself credit for; maybe I’m worse. Who knows?! I sure as hell don’t! After all, there are days I have cheesecake for breakfast but because I’m 25 years old and nobody sees me while I do so, I actually can do it. I may have the ingredients to someday make a decent adult (if I ever figure out what that exactly entails) but so far, I’m taking the best parts of both worlds, mix them together and make my life up as I go along. Hello there, yellow brick road, where are you taking me?

“Is there a point to this post at all”, you may ask. Not so much, sorry. This is a long winded and contrivance-y approach for putting the link to my first awkward vlog on this blog.

rmiles, remember when I told you I don’t have a real German accent? This is your opportunity to find out if I was right even though I know you are more of a reader.

Internships & Work

11 Mar

The end of May is getting closer by the day and do you know what this means? I will have to become a decent, working member of society. No more hiding behind the veil of academia; this little blogger will have to get a real job. And it terrifies me!

It’s not as if I never worked in my life. I’ve did part-time jobs since I was 15. For my degree I had to do 26 weeks of internships in various departments and most of them sucked. Some of them were interesting, like the more hands-on work I got to do early in my degree, actually working in a factory. I learned a lot during those 6 weeks but I was also glad when it was over no matter how much I enjoyed welding. It’s just so cool, you put on the mask, concentrate on your work and it’s like the world tunes out. I don’t hear the noise around me anymore and only after I finish I realise how much time has elapsed. I love that feeling and you know, melting metal together. After that I did a 5-week stint in a steel mill. Fascinating but boring when you are not allowed to do anything but look for five weeks while still having to be at work at 6 am every morning.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Making steel is crazily amazing!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

And hot and scary!

After that came the office internships and some of them were good or at least parts of them were. Especially the last 7 week stint in accounting department was awful though. I barely learned anything and was mostly unemployed during the time because the department “only” knew for a couple of months that and when I was coming so they had nothing to do for me or teach me much. Ugh! I hated it, and not only because accounting is boring in my opinion.

The other day I realised why I hated those internships or better when. I don’t like idle time! BOOM! This is the little secret to why I hate working, not knowing what to do next and let’s be honest. When you’re an intern, you are dependent on other people telling you what to do, giving you tasks because you’re only there for a limited period of time. I may have been bored drilling hole after hole in the little metal pieces but at least I was doing something. I dreaded the moment when I got to the bottom of the bucket though and I had to tell my supervisor that I finished yet another task and he had to think of something new for me.

Same goes for me thesis. I dislike the days I know by the time my alarm clock rings that I don’t know what to work on because I’m finished with whatever I was doing last. I like being challenged (this is a revelation to me), having to think about actual, solvable problems; turning them over in my head until I find a solution. I love juggling variables, trying to make sense of whatever the equations tell me. This is precisely why I have struggled with the final courses of my degree so much because after the first 2 years, there started to be much more business classes and they were not full of wonderful math but memorising 300+ power point slides full of nonsense I doubt are actually useful after graduation (not that I can remember any of it anyways).

Don't mind this is in German, it just serves as an example for what I'm bad at doing: Memorising tables of boring 'facts'.

Don’t mind this is in German, it just serves as an example for what I’m bad at doing: Memorising tables of boring ‘facts’ for 320 slides.

As much as I enjoy watching all the TV shows and procrastinating procrastination, it’s also not enough for me. I like having my mind occupied with other things beside my emotional well-being and how much I love a certain actress or whatnot. I don’t like idle time when I know I need to be working.

This is what actually scares me about getting a job. That I will not know what I have to do next, that the little things I learned at uni aren’t enough for a real job because I forgot so much. Just the other day I had to look up how to do a partial derivation on Wikipedia because I wasn’t sure how to do it anymore. I have a couple of small ideas where I want to work that I don’t tell anyone about when they ask me what I want to do after finishing university because I don’t want anyone raining on my parade. I need to keep them to myself until I know it works for me or not. So I actually appear more clueless around friends and family than I truly am. Ha! Never thought that would happen.

I am ready to move on from studying when just 6 months ago I wasn’t. I’m also fairly certain I won’t be doing a PhD. It would be nice, I could stay at uni a bit longer and doing research interests me highly but the thought of dealing with students and supervising their work just doesn’t do it for me. No matter how much I want to prove to myself that I am as good as my uncle with his PhD in Physics. I want and need some change, as terrifying as that is, I need to move on to something else. Something with numbers and variables because it’s the ultimate language I am always able to understand (until it’s rotary current or fluid dynamics :D)

The Here and Now

25 Feb

I was always full of plans. Plans of what I wanted to do once I got to a certain age, or after graduating high school/university but then Mom got sick and there was no time for making plans anymore. Yes, I will blame cancer for it even if it wasn’t my own sickness but that of my Mom because along with her, I lost my plan-making abilities.

There is no study abroad program to look forward to, no feeling of freedom that comes along with finishing high school and starting my studies. I should be looking forward to graduating university  but for some reason I am not. I’m out of life-plans at the moment and it makes me uncomfortable. It’s scary even. I try to look into my future and I see nothing. Everything is blank and I’m left in the here and now having to figure out where I want to go without an idea how to do so.

Sometimes I get a sliver of hope, I see a little light as an idea of a plan brushes the outskirts of my mind and as I try to get closer to it, to put my finger on it, it vanishes never to be seen again. And I’m again none the wiser.

I have no real clue what to do with my degree, sure, it won’t be too difficult to find a job once I’m done with my studies but I feel like I have to make this HUGE decision and I don’t know how to. I’m pulled into too many directions at once.

I want to live abroad but I don’t want to leave my home, mostly because of the theatre. I can’t imagine not being some part of a play each year anymore.

I want a PhD because my uncle has one but I don’t know if that’s the only reason I want it, just to prove myself that he’s not the only smart one in the family. 

I want to work and make money but I can’t think of a career that doesn’t make me want to cry every day.

And yes, damn it, I want to write. I want to act, to sing. But I’m afraid of taking risks. Better do something more substantial and starve my creativity because then at least I know I’ll have something to eat and pay the bills with.

Maybe I’m asking too much when I think about having a job that fulfils me, maybe I’m wrong in my assessment that every job I can think of will be the death of my soul because my last internships were so awful. I feel like I learnt nothing at uni and that when I will apply for jobs, they will see that – know how stupid I am.

As a kid I wanted to be a detective and I’m sorry I didn’t apply for the police academy. I’m sorry for a lot of things I didn’t follow through with because I felt the need to let grown ups decide my future for me. How I got into studying Industrial Engineering? Because a friend of my Mom suggested that I’d be good at it. Not saying I don’t like it, some parts I really do, I just feel so ill-equipped to conquer the working world now that I’ve reached the end of this plan. I am most likely standing in my own way right now. I do that sometimes. I just don’t understand how to step aside and let me walk past myself.

So here I am. Again (because this is not the first post with this general theme). Instead of trying to settle my emotions and figuring out what I want to do next I’m cranking up the procrastination as high as possible in order to avoid dealing with anything. I went from the girl who lived in the future to the girl without a plan. Hello quarter-life crisis! Will you go away if I try to ignore you real hard?

Let me tell you, it doesn’t. I’ve been avoiding dealing with so many things for the past 12 months and nothing has sorted itself out. I watched a crazy amount of TV shows and read a lot – hiding out in fiction universes. I’ve changed my life completely and than not at all at the same time. ARGH, this is all not making a lot of sense and I came on here wanting to write about how I’m finally sick of winter and snow and then this mess happened. But really, I need more sunshine for my head to stop being all depressing and blergh.

 

Happy and Exciting Feels

9 Nov

I could say I’m sorry to be double-posting today but I’m not sorry so forget I said anything and let’s move on.

Exciting times lie ahead for this little blogger as I will start to work on my thesis on Monday!! Finally I’ll be doing something useful again instead of procrastinating while avoiding most stuff. My thesis will be on wind turbines. I have to re-write a program in Matlab and find an optimal characteristic curve for the small turbine on top of our department building.

I’m equal parts scared and excited but in a really good way. I haven’t heard a lot of lectures on the subject and haven’t done any programming in years or done real math with integrals and derivations either. But I’m optimistic that I’ll get into the matter and be able to understand what I’m doing. After all I survived 2 years of AP physics and math so why shouldn’t it work out? Right?!!

And really? After watching American Horror Story Asylum lately, not much truly scares me unless you throw me into a 1960s mental institution against my will, try to turn me into a zombie and throw creepy aliens into the mix as well.

This thesis is not what I originally wanted to do. I wanted to get a topic in the human factors engineering department again but since I already wrote my student research project with them it’s better to diversify my expertise and write my thesis somewhere else. I believe this to be the right fit for me even though it will be a lot of work and hopefully I am indeed equipped to handle all of it. My adviser seems nice so that’s a plus. At the moment I think this is the right decision, I can only hope I feel the same way in a month.

My insights are filled with all kinds of happy feelings which is awesome. Tonight I’ll be seeing a friend again who I haven’t seen in months! And some others that I haven’t seen in an even longer time span but I’m just really excited for friend #1. The others are just a bonus.

What’s going on with you guys? TGIF? I know I am even though this week flew by way too quickly.

Out of Hibernation

26 Sep

It’s about time I move out of hibernation. The week between Mom’s death and her funeral, I barely went outside, except to meet with some people and visit my grandma, oh, well and make sure I didn’t starve but other than that? I read fan fiction (cause that’s all I can focus on at the moment…fluffy, happy ended fan fiction #sueme), spent hours on Tumblr and started watching Rizzoli&Isles again (also because of all the happy feelings they give me).

But now it’s definitely time to get my shit together so I started the week with dropping my gran off at the hospital for a little procedure and then went on to go through all the mess Mom left me. It’s really a mess. Years upon years of unfiled papers, which I’m leaving as they are now, neatly stacked on top of each other. I could spend weeks dividing and filing them appropriately. No, not gonna do that.

Yesterday I went to apply for orphan’s pension which proved to be rather annoying. Ugh, I had to fill out 5 forms, more or less the same, and get a statement from my university that I’m still studying. Of course the certificate of enrolment the university provides is not enough, they have their own little form which has to be signed and stamped by the uni. Bureaucracy, hello!! And then I had to cancel subscriptions and credit cards and all that stuff. You get the picture.

What I should be doing now, is going to uni to see my professor and ask him what he thought of my research paper BUT I’m procrastinating another day. Yes, call me lazy, I know that I am but after all the running around yesterday, I want one day of not doing anything. Which, obviously made me end up on WordPress because a new post was in order.

Also? My blog now has over 4,000 hits which is pathetic but makes me happy :-)

On account of Mom’s death, I guess I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it feels surreal but mostly it feels like nothing is different. I’m still waiting for that one day when apprehension will come crashing down on me and I’ll finally break down. For now though, I’m happy to be cry-free for over a week. It’s a welcome change.

“Hey nerds! Guess who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi!”

Now I’m out of things to bore you with. I just needed to write anything to get blogging again and that’s about all this post is about.

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