Tag Archives: potato chips

Should and Shouldn’t

15 Jun

I shouldn’t have eaten the bag of potato chips yesterday.

I shouldn’t be eating the donuts I just bought.

But I do eat them, because my will is pretty weak when it comes to food. And I’m mostly ok with it. I gave up on having the perfect model figure a long, long time ago.

Life isn’t always about doing what you should do. For example, I should be writing on my project at the moment but I ended up on WordPress procrastinating instead.

Blogging has been a great experience so far, I got to know people around the globe I wouldn’t have gotten in contact with if it weren’t for blogging. It also helped me in ways I didn’t know I needed help. Every time I write something and hit the ‘Publish’-button it sets me free a little bit more, especially with the harder stuff I went through so far this year with my mom being sick and dealing with it.

It’s being said that, when you go through rough times, it’s when you really do your soul searching. I’m no stranger to hard times. It’s been ten years since that saturday morning the police rang our doorbell to arrest my father for tax fraught or something like that. My mom was not there, she was at work, like she sometimes did back then. I was really terrified, not because of my father being put in jail but because of what this would mean for my mom. Things were always difficult because of him. I guess this is why I don’t miss having him in my life. I’d love to have a dad right now, someone who would help me take care of mom but I know it’s not the father I have that I want. Does this sound harsh? Well, it’s true.

I’m an honest person, sometimes way to direct and therefore not made to be a diplomat even though I once considered it a career opportunity. If you give me a birthday present, it’s not hard to read my mind whether I like it or not. I know I should just try and be polite but I’m not. I’ve gotten better at it by now but I suppose people can still tell that even if I say ‘thank you’ and ‘oh that is so cool, I like it very much’, I’m lying and I don’t like to lie. My father was good at lying and I don’t want to be!

People should be honest with each other.

But are we always honest with ourselves? Do we even know it when we aren’t?

I didn’t.

And I didn’t know that it was even possible to hide from yourself, especially when you’re an introvert like me who thinks and thinks and thinks about thinking. I was dishonest with myself though and that’s what I learnt in the last months.

It’s ok to be who we are.

‘I’m not afraid anymore.’ This thought hit me yesterday while I was waiting for a friend to go to a concert. I’ve always felt a little different from others. It started in kindergarten when I didn’t know what to answer when one of the other kids asked me what my father’s job was because I honestly didn’t know. All the other kids had dads with normal jobs but not me. I still don’t know what he does and it’s been 20 years since kindergarten.

If you’ve made it this far though this post then you’re certainly asking yourself what I’m trying to say, what the whole point of my trip down memory lane is all about and if I even have a point. Well,…I do, of course. This is not my typical rambling. I’m only prolonging the moment here, to get more time to decide if I should put it on this blog or not. But then again, why am I writing under a nome de plume if not for anonymity, right? So, it shouldn’t be a difficult decision. I shouldn’t be afraid to send this out into the infinity of cyber-space and I’m not. So I’m just gonna say it:

I’m not straight.

How could it take me so long to figure this one out? Well, I honestly don’t know. At least, there are a lot of things in my life that make more sense to me than they did before.

Now, I’m going to hit the ‘Publish’-button once again and let yet another piece of myself float into the nothingness of the blogosphere. I’ll see if it makes me feel freer…


Running for my Sanity

14 Apr

Today pretty much sucked from its beginning even though today is saturday the 14th and not friday the 13th (I was born on a 13th of friday so I don’t really believe in that superstitious stuff surrounding the day). It all started with my mom falling down while doing our usual saturday morning shopping for the weekend. She lost the spare key to our house earlier so we needed to buy a replacement key but as she wanted to go into the shop, there was one pretty big step and she didn’t have the strength in her legs and fell down. It took 3 people to get her on her feet again. The worst is, this wasn’t the first time this has happened but at least the third that I was present.

After that, my day was already in the toilet because I again had to see how fragile she is and it breaks my heart. When she tells other people that the worst of her situation is, that she is unable to drive a car at the moment then I get angry, because it’s certainly not the worst! I’m actually relieved she is not out in traffic, causing accidents and what not, and she told that line a lot today, adding to my anger and frustration.

It’s getting harder every day to put on my mask of happiness so other people won’t see all the pain I’m in. My usual answer of “Fine” to the question of how I am doing comes up less and less as I am more and more answering with not good and then blabbing out my problems. I know that other people have problems as well, the blogosphere especially reminds me of it again and again. I also know there are millions of people out there doing way worse then me, but still, it doesn’t help me when I see my mom falling down, smashing things because she didn’t see them, running into stuff with a shopping cart, not being able to fasten her seatbelt…

At the supermarket I then bought a bag of my favorite potato chips, because that’s what I do when I am really upset, I eat and watch something. Today I chose Sex and the City 2, because it is idiotic but bound to have a fucking happy end. A half an hour before the end, I hit pause and went for a run, not because of all the stupid calories I ate before, but because I felt like it and it is the only way I know to deal with my anger and frustration and fear and all the other emotions I feel these days. I go into the woods and run up and down those small hills, pushing myself to run faster uphill so I nearly collapse when I get to the top.

I love the feeling of moving forward, that’s why treadmills are not for me, I need to see the changing scenery, being alone around God’s creation. It’s so beautiful to see how wind moves the grass, experiencing that ants can be pretty loud on dried leaves and pushing your body as hard as possible. Running gives my mind the time to think things over or let my constant heavy breathing drown out every thought and just be; be myself in motion, not stopping until I am at the bench where I have to stop and enjoy the landscape. Nothing bad can happen while you’re moving because you’re never in one place, the now can’t catch up while you’re running into the future.

My favorite place in the woods around here.

What I am trying to say with the title of this post is, I need to run, to put my frustration, anxiety, anger, self-loathing and hate into these runs in order to keep me sane because pushing my body to its limits sets free these little friends called endorphins and they can make someone happy, most of the times. Even if they fail their mission of cheering me up, at least I know that I have put all the negative energy into motion without punching someone or hurting people with my words, which sometimes I really can’t help doing because I’m this pretty direct and honest person that just has to say everything that comes to her mind without censoring it.

Although I had a great run (who knew that was possible with 175 gr. of potato chips in your tummy?!) I’m still not completely my cheerful self that I want to be but at least I am exhausted and calm now. I didn’t change my tires today, hopefully tomorrow, and I also did not work on my project for the university but frankly, I don’t feel like it today. I felt like shit to begin with and I am dwelling in the rest of these feelings to let them out which is better than to keep them bottled up forever. I really hope that after another good night’s sleep, everything will be better – I will be better, stronger, more hopeful…which I know is a very high aim.

As I was on my way home out of the woods, there were dark rain clouds in the sky so I told them to feel free to drench me in water, because it is a pretty cool feeling to be walking through raindrops when you don’t have to care about running around in wet clothes for the rest of the day. The funny thing is, they actually started to send down the rain so I looked up and thought “There is actually someone listening to me up there” which was a great feeling that might be only based on the fact that rain simply falls out of dark clouds, but who knows?!

At least I’m not angry, horny, frustrated and filled with hatred anymore, so I guess I’ve proven my point…a little bit. Now, I’m going to watch some more TV to live in worlds with happy endings and resolved problems of pretty people for a short while.

Embracing My Inner Kid!

4 Apr

There is a great quote from FRIENDS, well actually there are like a ton of those but that’s not the point. Joey has this new girlfriend, Melanie, and while the guys all sit together at Monica’s place, she says: “There is a little child inside this man!” and Chander answers: “Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.”

I love this quote, mostly because I just love Chandler for his humor, he is the best (at least for me, I know tastes vary). The other reason I love it, is because I think we all should be like this and keep the little kid inside of us alive, happy and well nourished. This is maybe stupid, coming from a 24-year-old, but nevertheless I don’t think I’m wrong here. After all, Ellen agrees with me, so duh! If Ellen says that, it must be true xD, just kidding, I’m not some crazy person who listens to what celebrities say and then has to do whatever they tell me to.

I got the idea for this post, while I was reading through older posts of This Labyrinth I Roam, where Anju writes about how she was as a child and it made me think about how much I am still a little kid inside. So, this is going to be a list of reasons why I am definitely no grown-up (and probably never will be, because it’s boring, also I still feel like I’m 14 most of the times and I don’t see it changing anytime soon).

Here we go then in no particular order and without numbers (take that Freshly Pressed):

Sometimes, I like to get on one leg and jump up the stairwell to see how many jumps I can do without losing the rythm.

Braids are my choice for a hairstyle. Most likely because my mom never knew how to braid hair so as a child I never got to wear nice braids and I have to make up the lost time now. It’s also a great way to not deal with my curls.

Ok, don't mind the light blurriness and just concentrate on those beautiful socks :D Originally this photo was taken to show a friend the new dress I got, so don't be to harsh with your judgement. Thanks!

Striped (knee-) socks are what make my feet and me happy. I recently got some new ones (they were actually made for children but fit perfectly on my legs as well) and they’re awesome. Colorful and fun looking.

In general I love to wear colorful clothes because they make me happy especially in the darker seasons like winter. I will probably never fully understand how people can choose dark winter coats, they’re so depressing and black as if winter wasn’t dark and depressing enough on its own.

Sometimes, when there is a streetlamp in the way, I walk straight towards it and only decide at the last possible moment on which side I should pass without crashing into it.

When there are hip-high obstacles in the way, I like to let my hand(s) glide over them as if they were little planes in order to make me believe I can actually fly. Believe me, the day I learnt that no matter how fast I flutter with my arms, I’ll never be able to fly on my own, was a very sad day.

I proudly wear my T-shirt with Ernie and his little rubber duck from Sesame Street on it. What can I say, it’s green and so cute!

I don’t like wearing heels, mostly because my insole, to even out my odd-lenghted legs, doesn’t fit into them. I will probably be wearing Chucks for the rest of my life xD or at least for a pretty long time!

I rather play board games with friends than go out and get drunk because I neither like beer nor wine. It’s tragic, I know and oh-so boring!

I can eat an entire cheesecake in less than 2 days, maybe even one day, on my own and I don’t even feel bad. Besides, why should I, it’s delicious!

There’s never a day not to eat candy or potato chips or chocolate or all of them together.

I love snow, you can have snowball fights, make snow-angels and go sleigh-riding and yes, I still do these things.

This may not be the most imaginative list and I thought I had more to say when I started writing than I actually came up with but there you have it. I’m like Peter Pan, I don’t really believe in growing up because it seems to be boring. I could be wrong, of course, but I’m not ready to find out yet. I prefer to keep my inner child alive and not let it starve out of neglect or even worse, change who I am.

I spent my youth wanting to be older, more grown up because I thought it would make things easier and me more confident. Guess what, nothing changed so far except the years on my clock. I’m done wanting to grow up, maybe it will sneak up on me someday in the future but until then, I embrace myself, whoever that is.

Last Man Standing

17 Jan

Last night I bought a bag of my favorite potato chips but when I finally had time to enjoy them, nothing good was on TV. Maybe some of you know the feeling, you eat something you like, you need to watch TV to accompany it, well maybe you don’t but that’s how it works for me. Love to eat while watching something good.

So, after wondering what to watch, since there was no new episode of the shows I usually watch (I already watched the season 2 finale of Sherlock during lunch) I had to think of something else. Then I remembered a tip I got from a very dear friend of mine, to check out Tim Allen’s new show Last Man Standing, and it saved my evening. Well, actually it cost me some sleep because I couldn’t stop watching it until I barely could keep my eyes open. But that’s the price you pay for watching good TV :-)

And I have to say, it is awesome to see Tim Allen back on TV because I grew up watching Home Improvement. I loved to see Tim Taylor screwing up week after week. Though Mike Baxter has almost nothing in common with Tim Taylor, except for both of them being fathers to three children, it is good to have Tim Allen back on a TV screen week after week and I know that I said it twice, but who cares ;-)).

I know that I came a little bit late to this particular show, because it started 13 episodes ago and the broad reception it got, was mixed. But the fact that I managed to watch all 13 episodes in less than 24 hours should show my appreciation for this show. Especially when you consider that I had three lectures and a dentists appointment today.
So, to sum up this post, Last Man Standing is going on my weekly WatchList. Just like another new show of the season, New Girl, but that my be a topic for a completely different post…

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