Tag Archives: Personal

Normalcy is overrated, right?

4 Sep

Today I came across a blog post by the lovely Emmy in which she talks about the difficulties she has about explaining where she is from/what exactly made her her. I couldn’t explain it either, there is only one thing I remember about growing up which is still with me in some way – wanting to feel normal.

There is not one single definition as to what makes a life normal and another one abnormal. There are definitions as to what the adjective ‘normal’ refers to but what is a normal human being? How does he/she feel? I guess many people think of themselves as different, so here is my tale.

The first time I felt different was in kindergarten when I was asked what my father’s job was and I couldn’t answer. At that time he still lived with me and mom but I had no clue as to what his job was since he spent most of his time at home but not like a stay at home parent. All I knew was that he was not really unemployed but not really employed either as he was doing stuff that wasn’t cool. Kindergarten!Me didn’t know what to make of it so I said I didn’t exactly know; the first of many such explanations. All I wanted was to be able to say, hey, my dad is a police man, a firefighter, construction worker, secretary etc. but I couldn’t because it wasn’t the truth.

I knew from an early age that my parents weren’t happily married; in fact one of my first memories is seeing my father shove my mom into a wall so hard it left a crack in it. I heard them yelling at each other too many times, mostly about money. To this day I don’t know everything but I know enough to be sure he was an ass. The rest, I really do not want to know. I have no idea why my mom didn’t divorce him sooner but once he moved out of the house I was glad. However it was another thing that said I wasn’t normal – my parents were separated whereas all my friends at school had mostly happy families with parents that were still married and living together without yelling at each other all the time. I wanted that so badly.

In 2003 I had to have surgery on my hip which meant I didn’t have to go on the class trip to France (which I was more than happy about) but it also meant I was running around on crutches for the better part of that year, having physical therapy and all sorts of stuff. Regarding medical issues one can have, my hip dysplasia is a light weight but nevertheless none of the other kids had to explain why they needed surgery. When they were on crutches, it was because they had broken a bone or sprained their ankle like normal kids/teens.

Of course this post couldn’t be complete without talking about being gay since it took me so long to accept that about myself. I have a very specific memory of thinking “Please don’t let me be gay, please, I want to be like everyone else”. I was in fifth or sixth grade by then, maybe even younger. So for the next ten years I wasn’t gay, I was trying to find boys exciting but I failed miserably. When a boy tried to kiss me (at least I think that’s what he was doing) in seventh grade, I just ran away. I had no problem flirting with him over text messages but heaven forbid we were face to face. Back then, I didn’t realise why I ran away from him, or why I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel about the next one, in retrospect it makes sense though.

To this day I feel like the odd kid out, I frequently cannot remember German words while I know the exact right phrase in English. I watch shows that none of the people around me have watched whereas I don’t keep up with crappy reality TV like everyone else. There are things I feel like someone my age should have experience by now, like falling in love, being in a relationship, going on a date and all that stuff. I don’t have a father anymore, or a mother. I keep the biggest part of my online life secret from most people in my life except my closest friends because they don’t understand why I live online like this. I hardly ever felt normal. I still don’t. Maybe that is a lot of bullshit, lots of people have weird things going on in their lives, I am by far an exception and normalcy is overrated anyway. Just sometimes I’d like to be able to see the normal, easy road ahead of me instead of the unpaved road I usually travel on.

Oppositionalism

21 Aug

The whole vlog every day in August thing has made me think about a lot of things I normally don’t spent too much time thinking about. For example, today’s topic about insecurities left me fairly unsatisfied as I didn’t know how to express what I feel because I don’t even know how I feel. I acknowledge that I have a lot of insecurities but I can’t label them let alone rank them.

And somehow my brain jumped from that to the fact that I cannot stand when people tell me what to do. I never did. I don’t enjoy unasked advice because I think I need to be able to make my own decisions, let them be mistakes but they are my mistakes and I need to make them in order to learn. If you tell me to watch Angel for example because he is less broody and annoying on his own show than he was on Buffy, I will probably cross my arms in front of my chest and do exactly the opposite of never even checking out the show. Especially if I said I don’t care for the character and you keep telling me that he’s totes better on his own show. Nope, sorry but I will not do that. In fact, it makes me want to do the exact opposite of what you suggested.

I can’t exactly explain where this is coming from nor have I any interest in changing this thing about myself. I was a good kid growing up and I understand how biased this is, coming from me. Nevertheless I tried to not cause any trouble to Mom and Grandma and I did a good job at such. Therefore these two authority figures in my life didn’t have to tell me much of what to do or tried to make me into someone I wasn’t. My grandma is probably the only person that I actually take orders from because she has earned the right to put me in my place from time to time.

If you want me to do something I may not be fully on board with, try to make it sound like it’s my own idea. I just have this need to do things myself, in my own way, however shitty that may turn out to be. I hardly ever ask for advice because I should be able to figure things out for myself. This is probably narrowing my ability to grow as a person or whatnot but that’s fine with me. I’m plenty of a person to begin with. I don’t even like asking for directions and only do so begrudgingly, like after walking up and down the hardware store three times without finding what I was looking for. Then, and only then I may consider asking for help.

The classmates of my long passed grandfather wrote about his character in the school paper that he was against it on principal. I guess that’s where I’m coming from as well.

“Aus Prinzip dagegen.”

And with this I’m ending tonights reflective insight to who I am. Maybe I will actually manage to create a more interesting and substantial post in the near future. Don’t get your hopes up though ;)

Hiatus

7 Jun

Do you ever stop blogging for a certain reason and then it takes you forever to pick the habit back up? You say: One more day, which turns into a week and whatnot. Yeah that’s me *waves* I’ll have to ease back into this, I guess.

I survived the epic horror that was writing my thesis for the last couple of weeks and I handed it in last Friday, yay!! I am just so happy that it’s over, I cannot tell you. Now, I have free time again to watch TV and blog and read and do all the stuff I like to do. Yeah, I know, looking for a job should be a priority right now, but I don’t know what I want, except that I want a little bit more time to procrastinate. It’s silly and stupid and of course my Uncle couldn’t refrain himself from asking me what’s next when he and his family visited last weekend.

His inquiring made me mad. Irrationally so but still mad. He had a job after he got his PhD and that is all fine and good but I am not him. I take time to make phone calls because I dislike talking to strangers on the phone. And I happen to not have a clue what kind of job my university education should gain me. I don’t feel at home in the business part of a company but I feel like I don’t know enough about engineering either. And there is nothing I desperately want to be.

However my slackerdom also makes me question my motives. Is there maybe a part in me that I inherited from my do-no-good father? I am afraid of just that because I really don’t need any of his traits in me. And it really only has been one week since I handed in my thesis. That’s not too bad, I guess. I had to catch up on lots of sleep and I am doing some traveling as well now that I am done. Next week, yeah next week sounds like a good one to start thinking about my future.

Tonight I meet with my Mom’s bestfriend from the age they were 5 or 6 and she’s also my godmother. We haven’t seen each other in over a year and not talked much either, especially since Mom died. I’m already anticipating ALL THE QUESTION. And I don’t have answers. Not having answers makes me feel like an idiot. So here I am stuck between idiocy and procrastination. I promise the next posts will be better. This is just me trying to overcome my hiatus.

Emotional Overflow Error

26 May

I didn’t expect graduating from University would rouse all these feelings and yet here I am crying at 1 am. The last weeks have been stressful and that’s okay, it’s the final stage of writing my thesis and that’s bound to be a difficult time without a lot of sleep. I’ve had too many feelings of inadequacy that could fill an entire post on it’s own. What hits me right now though is that I miss my Mom exponentially more than before.

I miss going downstairs and telling her how I feel and that it seems like I can’t do right with this thesis. I miss going downstairs for a hug that would be full of love and making me fell infinity times better. I miss my Mom. Period.

I thought it would be better by now but on the contrary, my feelings are working overtime even though I could really do without them. The thing is, she should be here. She should be able to see me graduate, leave school for the first time in my life. And she is not.

Today I got a call from my uncle because I haven’t called in a while (so have they but whatever) and that’s because I was busy falling apart and piecing myself back together while I struggle through writing a thesis on a daily basis. There has not been a lot of time for anything lately (like blogging or theatre). He asked me if I had put beer in the fridge and I assume this was because tonight was some big soccer match. I don’t care about bloody soccer though and I don’t like beer. However, here I am hours later obsessing over the fact that nobody knows me anymore because the person that knew me best is dead. Sure, Grandma knows me very well too, but it’s different. And I don’t want to take this out on her because it hurts her too. I cannot hurt her. Uncle asked how I was doing. As if I’d spill all my feelings over the phone! We haven’t spoken in weeks and you expect me to tell you all about my emotions and insecurities that are on high alert right now. I’m graduating next week so take a wild guess as to how I am!

It’s not his fault but I am not okay right now. I honestly didn’t expect it to be this hard. Maybe that’s why I didn’t put too much effort in my thesis in the beginning, I was stalling, trying to avoid this final step of migrating into a new stage of my life. A stage my Mom should be part of. She should be here, cheering me on and being happy when I hand in my finished work next week. No amount of wishing can bring her back and all of this is highly irrational but that doesn’t make things less painful right now. I just want to turn off all these feelings but naturally I cannot.

Instead I am sitting here, crying, rambling incoherently while Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah is trying to soothe my inner turmoil. I cannot wait for it to be Friday. 5 days and everything can calm down again. I can socialise again because that’s what’s additionally fuelling these feelings. Being lonely because I haven’t seen a lot of people lately. I didn’t have the time but it’s very isolating and counterproductive. I have no problem with being alone, I’ve always cherished it but being lonely is something else. Too many emotions at the same time.

All I need is 5 more days without all these emotions and feelings. I am a very rational being who’s not used to all this irrational crap. My brain and my heart are in different universes at the moment making me the emotional black hole of feelings. Just ugh!

Why?! #United4Marriage

29 Mar

This week has been amazing. Since Tuesday, my Twitter and Facebook timelines are full of notes about the Supreme Court hearings on same-sex marriage. Every newspaper I frequent is talking about it, American or German, it doesn’t matter. And I haven’t gotten tired of it yet. With every post I see, my heart starts to dance more because it’s not just us gays fighting for it, there are many straight people supporting this cause.

You might ask: “But Willie, why do you care? You’re not an American citizen.”

That’s true, but what’s happening in the US is not so different from what is going on in Germany. Most of our parties support same-sex marriage as do the majority of Germany’s people. Our highest federal court will be hearing another case about this in the summer too and, given recent rulings, will grant us rights we don’t have yet. Another point is, I truly believe that if America falls (i.e. grants marriage equality) it will send a powerful message to many other countries, mine included.

164201_10151541126023281_2118869774_nThe Human Rights Campaign started a meme where you change your icon to a red square with an equal sign in it to signal you’re supporting marriage equality. A lot of my German friends may not know what the deal is with this sign and even bestfriendboy had to ask me if it was about what he thought it was about (and yes, it was). I changed my profile pic on Facebook and Twitter nonetheless, well I tweaked it a bit because I find it confusing if everyone has the exact same picture so I blended my normal pic with the meme one.

IMG_0378_neu

I read a post today about how it’s stupid and lazy to do so because the Supreme Court judges won’t care about your icon. You’re not even friends with them; they can’t see it which makes it of no value at all. But I digress. It may not influence the judges decision but showing support is never a lost cause. You cannot know what impact a simple thing like that might have on another person. The gay teenager or closeted adult could suddenly see how they were wrong in thinking their straight friends wouldn’t be on their side. It may ease coming out for a lot of people just knowing that those they went to high school with don’t think it’s an abomination that he/she wants to be able to marry the person he/she loves and is committed to. Or in my case, casually implying I may not be as straight as I appear to be without having to tell everyone in person ;-)

I will never understand how allowing the gay couple two doors down from you will threaten your straight marriage or all those other arguments our opponents have. They’re just stupid to me. Blame it on me being one of those inverts that seem to be the problem. However the countries that already support marriage equality like Canada or the Netherlands haven’t imploded or been worse for it. I really don’t know what people that are against it think will happen! An apocalypse? I don’t think so! I believe it will be a far less issue once we’re granted the same rights.

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite scenes from The West Wing.

(Maybe now I’ll be able to sleep after I got all the gibberish out of my head.)

Internalizing Thruths

22 Mar

I’m an awful liar aside from the little white lies I may be using to get out of whatever kind of event you invited me to because I’d much rather sit at home in my pyjamas and watch TV, thank you. Other than that though, I suck at this as I most recently was reminded of again while I was selling Mom’s car. However I am good at lying to myself; this blog is in some part a testament to this.

I didn’t want to be gay so I tuned out what every part of my being yelled at me and moved on until I was ready to accept this truth about myself and since then I came around full circle; I couldn’t be happier about that but I regret the time it took me to get here. There are still other parts of me under heavy construction though. Well, I will always be a work in progress and so is everybody else. As our lives change, so do we with them; we adapt and move on. This is a good thing. It would be atrocious if we ever stayed the same person; same as we were when we were 15 or 7 or…you get the picture. The circumstances of our lives deeply influence who we become as a person.

The last year may have almost broken me but it didn’t because I am strong, I may struggle with things but I can also keep my head above water even if it’s just barely. This is important to know. I’m strong and not afraid to be alone but that last part is a lie. Many post can tell you so because I do mind  being unattached even if it’s stupid. Even if it’s stupid and I know better! I’ve had my problems with this for years, many years!

I used to (and to some extend still do) believe that I’d be happier, more successful, not as lazy, a better person…if I’d:

  • loose wait
  • looked better
  • fell in love
  • finished a certain task (mostly uni related)
  • and many more things I can’t even remember right now.

The truth is, nothing falls magically into place just because one little unimportant thing changes. That’s not how life works because happiness comes from within! If I loose 5 kilos it would be nice, of course, but it wouldn’t mean I will know for what job I’m going to apply in June or when/where/if I meet the love of my life. I’ll probably still be as insecure in a lot of ways as I am now. It doesn’t make me get my shit together any more than not loosing weight, growing long hair etc.

Usually, things don’t magically fall into place, opportunities arise and you take them if you’re lucky, but constantly looking for what you think is missing, is bad and not helpful. The thing is, I knew that all along. This is not news to me, not at all but I never internalized this truth, never accepted it. Still haven’t done so completely. So this is where the heavy construction is currently located; trying to make myself believe the things I know to be true.

I am good enough! I don’t need anyone to define my life for me! I love myself (most days, because sometimes even I find myself annoying)! I am strong! I am extraordinary because I’ve been weak but also know my way out of a hole! I am not alone!

(I could not not include this scene from one of my all-time favourite shows and I didn’t just spend what felt like eternity on tumblr to find these gifs. Here’s also the link to the full scene as I only took a couple of lines from it.)

If I don’t learn to internalize the things I know I will get lost in misery faster than I can switch on the light and the darkness of my thoughts would swallow me whole. I know that because I’ve got close to it until I couldn’t take the sadness anymore. Being sad is exhausting, I’d much rather be happy which is what I’m trying to be. Happy and at ease with myself. I’m already doing better, I know as much even though the last two weeks were weird and set me back a bit.

I’ve been lying or at least not listening to myself for far too long and it’s time to stop it. I’m on my way and I can only hope that this serves as a reminder for when I am not as confident with my abilities and emotions as I want to be, should be. There will always be truths I know but don’t have accepted yet, I suppose. This shaping of a human into someone I am proud of will always be an ongoing process. Not saying I’m not proud or happy with myself now, only that there is still room for improvement. There always is.

Thank you, Doctor!

Where Can I Reset My Dream RAM?

15 Mar

I’m used to dreaming a lot of rubbish and watching Doctor Who is not always helping my dreams being more realistic these days. For instance, I recently dreamed I was the Tenth Doctor and dressed as a waiter on some weird space-ship. I don’t remember what else was happening because after I got back to sleep my memory started to fade away and the next time I woke up again I had the Alanis Morissette song I listened to the night before stuck in my head.

It’s also not new to have one dream element recurring over and over again; it usually happens before exam periods where I cannot move fast enough while I’m chased by murderers. Lately though, there is one recurring element I could do much without and I don’t exactly know why it’s there or when it will leave again. I’m dreaming of my dead Mom only that she is not dead anymore. SAY WHUT??

Yep, she is alive but not in the good before-cancer way, more like cancer-free but still as helpless as with cancer. In those dreams I know she is dead and then she comes back and I again have to take care of her. It’s not scary in a “OMG my dead mother is still alive” kind of way but more of an annoying “OMG again with the taking care thing?”. I don’t wake up screaming because for a moment I thought her death was all a dream, no. My subconscious is always aware of her death. I’m actually glad to wake up because I know it was only a dream, that I won’t have to relive my worst days.

I don’t know a lot about dreams, I never had psychology classes or stuff like that. Nevertheless I believe to have a good grip on myself except for that one time but this, I don’t get just yet. Maybe it will leave me again soon but as I don’t understand where it came from, I will not know how to get rid of it. Stress dreams disappear once the source of the stress is gone but with this? I can only wonder if it has to do with my anger loosening even though that hardly makes sense to me.

As I write this I see multi-coloured particle clouds rising to the sky as a visualisation of feelings moving on. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense at all. I probably watched way too much Doctor Who in addition to not even being able to adequately describe what I see. Maybe my memory is regenerating?! Ok, I’m just gonna stop here hoping that putting thoughts to paper will get rid of them. It usually does. If not, I’ll be stuck with these weird dreams for a while longer as much as I could do without them.

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