Tag Archives: Love

Why?! #United4Marriage

29 Mar

This week has been amazing. Since Tuesday, my Twitter and Facebook timelines are full of notes about the Supreme Court hearings on same-sex marriage. Every newspaper I frequent is talking about it, American or German, it doesn’t matter. And I haven’t gotten tired of it yet. With every post I see, my heart starts to dance more because it’s not just us gays fighting for it, there are many straight people supporting this cause.

You might ask: “But Willie, why do you care? You’re not an American citizen.”

That’s true, but what’s happening in the US is not so different from what is going on in Germany. Most of our parties support same-sex marriage as do the majority of Germany’s people. Our highest federal court will be hearing another case about this in the summer too and, given recent rulings, will grant us rights we don’t have yet. Another point is, I truly believe that if America falls (i.e. grants marriage equality) it will send a powerful message to many other countries, mine included.

164201_10151541126023281_2118869774_nThe Human Rights Campaign started a meme where you change your icon to a red square with an equal sign in it to signal you’re supporting marriage equality. A lot of my German friends may not know what the deal is with this sign and even bestfriendboy had to ask me if it was about what he thought it was about (and yes, it was). I changed my profile pic on Facebook and Twitter nonetheless, well I tweaked it a bit because I find it confusing if everyone has the exact same picture so I blended my normal pic with the meme one.

IMG_0378_neu

I read a post today about how it’s stupid and lazy to do so because the Supreme Court judges won’t care about your icon. You’re not even friends with them; they can’t see it which makes it of no value at all. But I digress. It may not influence the judges decision but showing support is never a lost cause. You cannot know what impact a simple thing like that might have on another person. The gay teenager or closeted adult could suddenly see how they were wrong in thinking their straight friends wouldn’t be on their side. It may ease coming out for a lot of people just knowing that those they went to high school with don’t think it’s an abomination that he/she wants to be able to marry the person he/she loves and is committed to. Or in my case, casually implying I may not be as straight as I appear to be without having to tell everyone in person ;-)

I will never understand how allowing the gay couple two doors down from you will threaten your straight marriage or all those other arguments our opponents have. They’re just stupid to me. Blame it on me being one of those inverts that seem to be the problem. However the countries that already support marriage equality like Canada or the Netherlands haven’t imploded or been worse for it. I really don’t know what people that are against it think will happen! An apocalypse? I don’t think so! I believe it will be a far less issue once we’re granted the same rights.

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite scenes from The West Wing.

(Maybe now I’ll be able to sleep after I got all the gibberish out of my head.)

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Politics, Morals & Marriage Equality

1 Mar

Last week our highest federal court (the federal constitutional court) ruled in favour of same sex couples. At the moment it is not possible for a gay couple in a civil union to adopt a child equally. Only one partner can do so. The court ruled this unconstitutional, as it should be. This is just the latest ruling in a series of court decisions strengthening the rights of same sex couples in civil unions. Ugh, civil unions, why we cannot just call it marriage and be done with it, I will never understand. It’s about falling in love and committing to another person – a human being – not a gender, but our politicians don’t seem to understand as much.

The party which is in charge of my country is actually the one holding back giving same sex couples the same rights as heterosexual couples. Interestingly, this is the same party I have always sided with when it came to elections because all the others are not even real alternatives to me because of others reasons.

This party is actually consisting of two sub-parties, the CDU and CSU. The CSU is the bavarian part of the party and is led by Horst Seehofer and mostly conservative. Those conservatives are cock-blocking the inevitable change which is on the forefront in Germany as it is around the globe. After last weeks court decision the rest of the CDU is finally coming around and ready to grant couples in civil unions the same rights when it comes to tax cuts and health benefits as married couples have. Meanwhile Horst Seehofer is holding on to his mantra of ‘a family can only be between one man and one woman‘. Ugh.

Excuse me while I go vomit into the nearest trash can about his narrow-mindedness. Those words! Coming from an adulterer like him. In 2007 it became public knowledge that he was having an affair with a much younger woman after she gave birth to his ‘bastard’ child, while still being married to his second wife. Well hello there Mr. Infidelity, who the hell are you to speak about what makes a family and a marriage?! You can’t even be faithful to your own wife!

And while I’m on the topic of our highly moral politicians, let’s talk about our President, the highest politician of this nation and should-be example. He may not be doing much more than representing Germany as most of the power lies in the hands of our Chancellor, he is still the freaking President. He is a former pastor, living in sin for over 10 years now, while still being married to his wife. While all of this is happening, tolerated and accepted even, it is still considered unreasonable for gays and lesbians to be able to marry each other, be parents and file their taxes like every other federally recognised couple. This is just too much for me to comprehend.

Maybe I shouldn’t try to reason with politicians – apply moral standards to them. I understand that they are only humans but still, I expect a little bit more from the highest – most powerful – of them. We look up to them for guidance of this country, putting its fate in their hands, trusting them to not wreck us completely. Or this is at least what it should be like. However, I cannot take our President serious, not when so many politicians are playing judge and jury with other peoples lives. How can the words of an adulterer be considered when it comes to marriage and family? How can one love be considered worth less than another? Or am I simply expecting too much?

I don’t think I am though. I believe it should be ok for a kid to have two mommies or two daddies instead of being in a children’s home or the foster system. However I disapprove of a President of a country, welcoming foreign Heads of State with his mistress by his side instead of his lawfully wedded wife. I believe all love is equal. We are all equal. Loving someone of the same gender doesn’t make one a pervert. On the contrary, I think the more sincere love is showcased in this world the better all of us are for it.

I Miss You. I’m Strong.

13 Feb

I didn’t even give you a present last year because I was too busy taking care of you, of the house, our lives and myself. Do I regret it? Not really. I’ve never believed in material presents. While it is nice to get them, what do they really say? – “Here, I tried to come up with something so you feel worthy to me.” That has never worked for me. Just bake me a cake and I’m fine. Write me a card and I know you were thinking about me. I don’t appreciate expensive gifts because they imply that the value of a gift correlates to the value of the gift-givers love for you which is just stupid.

Do you remember the time I drove you crazy because all I wanted for my birthday was the complete works of Shakespeare and some obscure Russian literature and you wanted to give me something special?  You didn’t understand how special books are to me. Sorry, this is not supposed to be about me but about you. Oh heck, it’s about both of us.

You knew I wasn’t saying I don’t love you less because I didn’t have a gift for you. You said it was okay. And what do you give a person you know is dying for their – what you presume – last birthday anyway? I was at a loss and to be honest. I don’t even remember what we did on this day last year.

I remember others though. One birthday we spent on a cruise around the Emirates. One time I made you a cake and had to hide it from you because I made it the day before and I tried so hard to get the smell out of the house so you would’t know. You said, you have had no clue but was that just motherly of you? Trying to make me feel good because you knew what I did but didn’t want to spoil it for me? Guess I will never know now. Another year I gave you a poem. Not sure you knew what to make of it but it’s how I communicate. With written words not spoken ones.

Oh Mama, I miss you so much! Not that I would enjoy telling you how my thesis is progressing or what is going on in my love life these days but the thing is. You’re not asking me anymore. I’m not waiting for you to come home from work anymore. All the mess I find in this house is mine now and that is something I don’t miss at all because as much as I love you, you were also a little messy.

Today, the sun is shining. It’s cold and the ground is white from snow. A beautiful winter day. But you’re not here to enjoy it with me. Are you watching me though? Like I imagine you do? Are you sitting up there in heaven with Grandpa chatting about the people you left behind and wish you didn’t have to?

This is really stupid but I’m proud that I’m sitting here crying because for so long, I couldn’t. Even though I miss you every single day, I don’t let the sadness that still competes with anger on a few days overwhelm me. I can only let it out in bits. I am fine, please don’t you worry about me. I understand the circle of life like I understand 1+1=2 just some days are harder but they are few in numbers. You do know that this is just me me being me and not a representation of my feelings for you when don’t break down into a puddle of sadness every time I think of you. I’ve made my peace with your passing even long before you did but I also know that it’s not weakness to be sad every once in a while.

The last picture we took together.

Happy Birthday, Mama!

I love you. I miss you.

I am The Woman

8 Jan

Do you ever have a line from a poem or song or even movie stuck in your head, cannot get it out? Well for me, it is this poem:

I am the woman

Ulla Hahn, 1993

Please excuse the crappy translation, I used Google Translate and my own judgement. It’s better in German, of course, but I wanted to post it here so I needed it in English as well.

I read this poem in grade 12 not because I had to, but because I went through my German lit textbook and found it there. It struck a chord in me and judging from the fact that I still remember it over six years later means something. I like the melancholy in it – on some days, it’s all you got.

It’s only tuesday and this week is already a big kill-joy because after over a week of sleeping until noon and staying up way past midnight, I have to go back to uni and my thesis at a sensible hour, which means getting up in the morning – which sucks. Big time.

I don’t remember the last day of sunshine I saw, it was probably around Christmas at my uncles place (btw, for those who care, I chickened out, never got an opening to say what I wanted to say so I didn’t) but here it’s all been grey clouds and rain and mist hanging in the air. Really depressing. The days are short and dark and I’m out of bed way too early for my liking so my mood’s been far from ideal which makes my mind think too much for its own good.

On my way back from lunch today, the poem above popped back into my head and it made me think how in some ways, I’m still the same girl I was six years ago when I first read it and in other ways I so am not. I did grow up because I had to but I’m still the lonely woman in the poem. She is me, it’s that simple.

My Facebook timeline is not helping – a friend uploads a picture of her and her boyfriend, another one changes her relationship status to not single anymore and I feel left out because nothing changes in that department for me. Ever. More and more of my friends are engaged/married/in a relationship and it makes me cynical. Whenever I pass a couple holding hands I want to curse and I’m not even sure why. I also dislike the fact that this is a recurring topic on this blog and am sorry for repeating myself but then again, this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.

At the top of my head, there are only 2 of my friends I can think of who are still single and I think it’s mostly by choice and not by lack of opportunity as in my case. Don’t misunderstand me, I am happy for everyone that finds love and is not alone anymore because that is just great but it is like seeing the thing you really, really wanted for Christmas and everyone got it except for you.

It has never been difficult for me to be on my own, sometimes I even look for chances to keep to myself because I’m not used to sharing and being all bubbly and open and everything – and maybe there lies the problem. I don’t need four friends around me at all times, I don’t mind sitting at home alone with a book. Just sometimes, it is too much – too much loneliness and darkness and moodiness to keep it all inside. Today is such a day. Let’s just hope tomorrow will be better.

30 Days of Books – Day 01

1 Nov

Best Book you read last year

Kicking off my 30 Days of Books I’m supposed to name the best book I read last year. For this, I’m going with ‘Love, Ellen’ by Betty DeGeneres.

This is not a novel but a memoir of Ellen’s Mom in which she talks about her life but most importantly she explains her road to acceptance of her daughter’s homosexuality. But it’s also so much more.

Betty takes us on the journey of her surprisingly eventful life. She raised two kids partly as a single parent, married three times, divorced three times and became an advocate for the Human Rights Campaign concerning the National Coming Out Project. At the age where most people think about retiring, she only ever got started.

At first I thought this book was only about a daughter (granted a VERY famous one) who comes out to her mother in the 70s. But Betty tells us so much more about her own life, beginning long before she even had kids so we could fully understand where she was coming from. It was a shock when she found out that Ellen was gay and it took her quite some time to accept it but when she did, she DID! It’s fascinating to read why it was so difficult to accept Ellen even though she loved her so much. It’s that everything she ever wanted for her daughter suddenly seemed to have vanished and what was a woman supposed to be without a husband? Luckily though, she learns to understand that marrying a man is not every woman’s goal in life and that homosexuality is not a choice.

What makes this book the best one I read in the last 12 months? – It is heartwarming and surprisingly well written. It is honest and interesting. And I learned quite some things about Ellen that I didn’t know.

Next: A Book that you’ve read more than 3 times

The Weakness in Me

30 Oct

Today I need a little pick-me-up. I don’t know where exactly this is coming from, maybe the sudden change in weather and the fact that it never got really bright today. You go outside and it’s kinda depressing. I’ve just been feeling down and it didn’t help that my uncle tried to guilt me by reminding me that I need to finish my studies. As if I didn’t know as much. I’m aware that I need to stop wasting my days surfing on the internet doing almost nothing. It was family lunch and I didn’t want to throw the dead-mom-card at him but, yes, I kinda wanted to.

For Pete’s sake, this is the first time in over a year that I’m allowed to not worry, to do nothing. The last two term breaks I was either doing an internship or spending my time studying for exams/ and having lectures on block. There was never a real break and there will not be another one, once I start my thesis and graduate. I’ll start working and then that’s it. So excuse me for wanting to prolong this moment. I had a rough year! You have no idea what it takes to take care of a sick person almost completely on your own. Everything that once was a constant in my life is gone or changed. I have to adjust to being on my own.

My birthday month is coming up and it feels strange knowing it’ll be the first one without her. I still don’t really miss Mom, but I think about her every day. I still get angry at her for being messy, I’m happy when I know that I can do what I want now but she is always in the back of my mind. And that’s ok, it would be weird if she weren’t.

On the outside though, I appear to be so strong. I’ve always been this way, when we moved and Mom was panicking because there was still so much to do I was the voice of reason and encouragement, assuring her everything will work out- and it did. That’s who I am because I needed to be the optimist in more situations than I can even remember. I almost never fall apart in front of people, I do this alone. I cry when I know nobody will hear or see me. I don’t argue unless in made up conversations I have with myself. I don’t think I ever had a fight with anybody, not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I fume silently until my anger is resolved and then I move on.

Sometimes I wish a friend would pull me into a hug not for a greeting but because they see that I need one. But how would they know when I have my amour in place? Or they’re out of physical reach which is normal. When I wish I had someone close by there’s no one available and when I am with them I don’t feel so down. Ugh, my insights are a mess.

It’s never been in my nature to let other people see my weaknesses which is stupid. I want to but something is preventing me from it. Does this even make any sense? I can comfortably pour my heart out in writing but actually talking to people is so difficult no matter how much real human interaction I crave.

As much as I love my friends, I want more, like most of us do (or so I assume). I wrote about it before but I want someone beside me, who holds my hand while we walk down the street, who is there when I wake up and who sleeps beside me. But I haven’t figured out how to get there. It appears to be so easy for most people but it’s too difficult for me. It’s a wonder I even have friends because I don’t know how it happened. I only remember it took time and being stuck with them in school for years was a big help. Only, I don’t go to school anymore so where am I supposed to meet people and make real connections?

The bottom line is – I feel alone – and whining on the internet is not gonna change anything about this situation but it still helps a little. So goodnight and happy Halloween folks. And for the Protestants out there, happy Reformation Day!

Love Yourself!

15 Oct

I can only hope this post will not come off too narcissistic but we will see. Also, it was more difficult to put my thoughts in words than I thought so I hope I still managed to get my point across.

Yesterday one of my very best friends celebrated her birthday which of course put me in a good mood since we hadn’t seen each other for almost two months. At one point during the evening she told me that I was exceptionally happy which may be true, especially in comparison to how I usually felt in recent months.

The thing is, I am actually happy and satisfied with myself. I’m not quite that teenager who felt like doing cartwheels down the school corridors anymore but I got the days back where there’s a playful skip in my step during my walks through the hallways at uni. I can honestly answer that I feel fine when being asked how I’m doing. It’s not a charade anymore and that is quite something.

The other day, I realised that I really like who I am as a person. Of course there are many things I would change if I could but I also know that they are not too important and that it’s ok to like yourself. I’m not sure why this is such a new revelation for me but being able to look in the mirror and thinking: ‘Hey, I look nice! I like what I see.’ and not have it immediately followed by a slightly guilty feeling is something else. It’s not that I hated myself, I never did that but I felt uneasy appreciating who I am because I somehow thought I needed to be more this or that to be happy. As it turns out, I just need to be myself.

Most days I cannot make up my mind if my curls drive me crazy or actually look nice. I only know that it feels weird looking in the mirror and seeing myself with straight hair. It’s just not me, even if straight hair means being able to brush your hair whenever you want without looking like a crazy mop afterwards. So I guess I actually like my hair.

Obviously it would do me good if I weren’t such a lazy person but I also know it spun out of control in recent months because of all the stuff I was trying not to think about. I’m trying to work on this but being a little lazy from time to time is not a crime and I accept it.

I’ve come to terms with all my obvious faults and shortcomings and  I don’t mind them. I actually really like who I am and it’s totally okay to feel this way. Why wouldn’t it, right?

What I’m trying to say is this, love yourself because you don’t get another you! We are who we are and that is completely okay! If you can’t even accept who you are than how can you accept the differences in other people? Also? Don’t spread hate  just because other people are different or you don’t understand where they’re coming from. October is Anti-Bullying month and we should all remember that our behaviour effects other people.

I wasn’t really bullied in school but I also know that I never quite fit in with the other kids. I felt different, not as included no matter how hard I tried to be one of them. Most of the times I even liked going to school. I cannot imagine how it must feel to be so hated by other students that you wanted to kill yourself. It’s sad and heartbreaking that kids like Amanda Todd don’t see another way out of their misery than to commit suicide. It’s so wrong on all levels that can be wrong!

I’m asking everyone of you to not bully or hate on other people. I know we cannot all get along, sit around a camp-fire and sing ‘Kumbaya’ while we hold hands but it doesn’t mean we have to destroy one another either! Find some kindness and acceptance in yourself and spread that feeling.

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