Tag Archives: Lesbian

Internalizing Thruths

22 Mar

I’m an awful liar aside from the little white lies I may be using to get out of whatever kind of event you invited me to because I’d much rather sit at home in my pyjamas and watch TV, thank you. Other than that though, I suck at this as I most recently was reminded of again while I was selling Mom’s car. However I am good at lying to myself; this blog is in some part a testament to this.

I didn’t want to be gay so I tuned out what every part of my being yelled at me and moved on until I was ready to accept this truth about myself and since then I came around full circle; I couldn’t be happier about that but I regret the time it took me to get here. There are still other parts of me under heavy construction though. Well, I will always be a work in progress and so is everybody else. As our lives change, so do we with them; we adapt and move on. This is a good thing. It would be atrocious if we ever stayed the same person; same as we were when we were 15 or 7 or…you get the picture. The circumstances of our lives deeply influence who we become as a person.

The last year may have almost broken me but it didn’t because I am strong, I may struggle with things but I can also keep my head above water even if it’s just barely. This is important to know. I’m strong and not afraid to be alone but that last part is a lie. Many post can tell you so because I do mind  being unattached even if it’s stupid. Even if it’s stupid and I know better! I’ve had my problems with this for years, many years!

I used to (and to some extend still do) believe that I’d be happier, more successful, not as lazy, a better person…if I’d:

  • loose wait
  • looked better
  • fell in love
  • finished a certain task (mostly uni related)
  • and many more things I can’t even remember right now.

The truth is, nothing falls magically into place just because one little unimportant thing changes. That’s not how life works because happiness comes from within! If I loose 5 kilos it would be nice, of course, but it wouldn’t mean I will know for what job I’m going to apply in June or when/where/if I meet the love of my life. I’ll probably still be as insecure in a lot of ways as I am now. It doesn’t make me get my shit together any more than not loosing weight, growing long hair etc.

Usually, things don’t magically fall into place, opportunities arise and you take them if you’re lucky, but constantly looking for what you think is missing, is bad and not helpful. The thing is, I knew that all along. This is not news to me, not at all but I never internalized this truth, never accepted it. Still haven’t done so completely. So this is where the heavy construction is currently located; trying to make myself believe the things I know to be true.

I am good enough! I don’t need anyone to define my life for me! I love myself (most days, because sometimes even I find myself annoying)! I am strong! I am extraordinary because I’ve been weak but also know my way out of a hole! I am not alone!

(I could not not include this scene from one of my all-time favourite shows and I didn’t just spend what felt like eternity on tumblr to find these gifs. Here’s also the link to the full scene as I only took a couple of lines from it.)

If I don’t learn to internalize the things I know I will get lost in misery faster than I can switch on the light and the darkness of my thoughts would swallow me whole. I know that because I’ve got close to it until I couldn’t take the sadness anymore. Being sad is exhausting, I’d much rather be happy which is what I’m trying to be. Happy and at ease with myself. I’m already doing better, I know as much even though the last two weeks were weird and set me back a bit.

I’ve been lying or at least not listening to myself for far too long and it’s time to stop it. I’m on my way and I can only hope that this serves as a reminder for when I am not as confident with my abilities and emotions as I want to be, should be. There will always be truths I know but don’t have accepted yet, I suppose. This shaping of a human into someone I am proud of will always be an ongoing process. Not saying I’m not proud or happy with myself now, only that there is still room for improvement. There always is.

Thank you, Doctor!

Politics, Morals & Marriage Equality

1 Mar

Last week our highest federal court (the federal constitutional court) ruled in favour of same sex couples. At the moment it is not possible for a gay couple in a civil union to adopt a child equally. Only one partner can do so. The court ruled this unconstitutional, as it should be. This is just the latest ruling in a series of court decisions strengthening the rights of same sex couples in civil unions. Ugh, civil unions, why we cannot just call it marriage and be done with it, I will never understand. It’s about falling in love and committing to another person – a human being – not a gender, but our politicians don’t seem to understand as much.

The party which is in charge of my country is actually the one holding back giving same sex couples the same rights as heterosexual couples. Interestingly, this is the same party I have always sided with when it came to elections because all the others are not even real alternatives to me because of others reasons.

This party is actually consisting of two sub-parties, the CDU and CSU. The CSU is the bavarian part of the party and is led by Horst Seehofer and mostly conservative. Those conservatives are cock-blocking the inevitable change which is on the forefront in Germany as it is around the globe. After last weeks court decision the rest of the CDU is finally coming around and ready to grant couples in civil unions the same rights when it comes to tax cuts and health benefits as married couples have. Meanwhile Horst Seehofer is holding on to his mantra of ‘a family can only be between one man and one woman‘. Ugh.

Excuse me while I go vomit into the nearest trash can about his narrow-mindedness. Those words! Coming from an adulterer like him. In 2007 it became public knowledge that he was having an affair with a much younger woman after she gave birth to his ‘bastard’ child, while still being married to his second wife. Well hello there Mr. Infidelity, who the hell are you to speak about what makes a family and a marriage?! You can’t even be faithful to your own wife!

And while I’m on the topic of our highly moral politicians, let’s talk about our President, the highest politician of this nation and should-be example. He may not be doing much more than representing Germany as most of the power lies in the hands of our Chancellor, he is still the freaking President. He is a former pastor, living in sin for over 10 years now, while still being married to his wife. While all of this is happening, tolerated and accepted even, it is still considered unreasonable for gays and lesbians to be able to marry each other, be parents and file their taxes like every other federally recognised couple. This is just too much for me to comprehend.

Maybe I shouldn’t try to reason with politicians – apply moral standards to them. I understand that they are only humans but still, I expect a little bit more from the highest – most powerful – of them. We look up to them for guidance of this country, putting its fate in their hands, trusting them to not wreck us completely. Or this is at least what it should be like. However, I cannot take our President serious, not when so many politicians are playing judge and jury with other peoples lives. How can the words of an adulterer be considered when it comes to marriage and family? How can one love be considered worth less than another? Or am I simply expecting too much?

I don’t think I am though. I believe it should be ok for a kid to have two mommies or two daddies instead of being in a children’s home or the foster system. However I disapprove of a President of a country, welcoming foreign Heads of State with his mistress by his side instead of his lawfully wedded wife. I believe all love is equal. We are all equal. Loving someone of the same gender doesn’t make one a pervert. On the contrary, I think the more sincere love is showcased in this world the better all of us are for it.

Storytime

11 Feb

She is an odd kid – too direct and she sometimes ends up hurting people with her words but you know she doesn‘t mean for it to happen. She‘s actually a nice person unaware of the effect words can have on other peple.

Sometimes she just sits there, staring at the girl in front of her and you wonder if she knows why she does that. It‘s not like they are real friends.

‘Oh no, I wasn‘t looking at her, just past Leia in fact, not looking anywhere specific. I was in thought’, is the stammered respone you get when you finally ask her. It‘s not very convincing but you let it slide even though everything inside you screams: ‘LIAR!’. Who are you to discuss this with her anyways?! She needs to figure this out herself.

The first time both of you met in middle school is not a pleasent memory. She was really mean to you and not in a subconscious way like her normal affronts. No, that time, she meant it!
‘I don‘t want to be associated with you. God, why are you doing this to me? Ugh, I‘ll just ignore you, do you hear me? Why can‘t you see that I don‘t want you as a friend?’

You were hurt but as both of you were always magically placed in the same class you never completely lost touch of each other and eventually she stopped loathing you. You weren‘t close, not even real friends during school but at least she stopped hating your living guts and started to tolerate you.

She prefers to hang out with the boys in your class but after all, she has most of her classes with them. Math and Science are just not crawling with girls she must have gotten used to being with boys so much that she doesn‘t even notice that it seems odd in comparison to the rest of your year where girls hang out with girls and boys with boys. Also, a lot of the girls were cruel to her, especially during middle school. They were making fun of her and teasing her but not in a good way – no funny teasing, just plain old mean girl teasing. You felt sorry for her but didn‘t do anything to help her either.

Her room is quite interesting. There are a lot of books on the shelves and she has huge posters of Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jennifer Aniston above her bed and you can‘t help but wonder where the boyband posters are that all other girls in your class seem to have plastered on their walls.

She is in fact not that noticable, she has friends but doesn‘t seem to attract big crowds like other people in school. But if you‘re interested in a sarcastic comment or witty comback, you should definitely go and talk to her. She‘ll give you a run for your money.

At your high school graduation her face is torn between happiness and discomfort. After her name gets called and she goes on stage with her partner, Thomas, you see how uneasy she feels. After all, she was never good at hiding her emotions. To you, her honesty is quite refreshing and one of your favourite things about her. She doesn‘t look happy on the arm of that boy and you wonder why she is not on stage with her best friend. Oh right, she waited too long and someone else aready secured him as their graduation date, you remember having heard her talking about this. Too bad but thankfully the moment she has to stand next to Thomas isn‘t that long and you sigh of relieve when they are finally parting. Poor boy, he never had a fair chance at her heart. Well, you can‘t really blame her, he looks a bit like  you pictured Grenouille from ,The Perfume‘ would look like but you also know that it‘s only half of the truth.

Both of you start to study the same thing at the university – engineering. It‘s exciting to be back in an institution of learning after spending a big part of your summer doing a mind-numbing but necessary internship in a factory.

Despite both of you knowing each other from school you don‘t hang out much. She rather spends her time with a boy from school and his friend. Sometimes you wonder if she likes one of them but then again, you know she really does not see any boy as more than a friend. Oh, but she still seems to be so clueless. You want to shout the truth at her but you know that would be like cheating and she apparently needs this time to come to her senses.

University is not like you thought it would be – not bad, just different. How you long to go out into the world and get to know different people. People who speak the language that is constantly on your mind despite it not being your native language. When it‘s time you sign up for the Erasmus program and end up being sent to your dream university in Sweden. Again she is there with you, taking the same courses but still not on the same page as you are. Poor girl.

One day in Logistics II the boy from the building across yours catches her staring at another girl‘s behind in class.

‘Hey, what were you looking at?!’
‘What? Oh, nowhere really, just been thinking. Why what did I do?’
‘Oh, nevermind’, he let‘s it go just as you did all these years ago in school. Even her answer was almost the same but that‘s still not your place to tell her even though the word ‘LIAR’ nearly escapes you. It‘s not time yet even though you feel her getting closer.

The international student organisation has planned a trip to Gotland and you are not letting this opportunity go to waste so you sign up for the weekend. Of course she is there as well. She‘s always there, trying to get out but ends up in the background most of the times. The weekend ends up being a little unplanned but maybe you‘re just too German. At least the president of the organisation seems to have enjoyed the party you all attended. A lot. Making out with another girl from the organisation and you can‘t help but smile as you recall her watching them making out on the dancefloor. She tried to hide it but you know her and you know why she was staring at them. It‘s like she doesn‘t even know – but you do. The answer to all her questions is just one thought away but she still shies away from going there. You want to give her a little extra push but that‘s not how it works. You see her wasting her time and cannot do anything about it. It‘s frustrating but the way it‘s got to be.

After you both get back from Sweden you don‘t hang out much even though you feel like you are closer to her than you‘ve ever been. And you feel how she is getting closer to her truth. It‘s not buried that deep down inside of her anymore. Just a little more time until it fully rises to the surface, you can feel it.

Then one day she ends up right in front of you and she finally looks at you, really looks at you like she sees you for the first time in her life despite the fact that you‘ve known each other for 10 plus years. You know this is the moment you have been waiting for all those years. And you see how it hits her like an anvel on the head – you see the realisation in her eyes, on her face. The same face that you have always been able to read like a book because she is not a stranger but an estranged part yourself. And in that moment you two finally become an entity again as you feel how her confusion vanishes – everything falls into place and suddenly makes perfect sense to her because she is not afraid anymore as she embraces you whole-heartedly. Thus, embracing her true self for the first time and nothing has ever been that exciting for the both of you.

So this is something different from what I normally post but as I was staring down a blank page earlier today trying to come up with something witty to say about Sherlock and this happened instead. It’s not really finished yet, well, it still doesn’t feel completely right but here it is nevertheless. I could spend the next months trying to get it right but once the moment is gone it’s so hard to get it back. Stopping now before I start to become even more cryptic than I already am. Thanks for reading my nonsense!

 

30 Days of Books – Day 05

5 Nov

A book that makes you happy

Previously: Favourite book of your favourite series

There are a lot of books that make me happy, look at Day 1 and Day 2 for example but I’m trying not to repeat myself in this 30 Day challenge so the book that makes me officially happy is ‘Sing you Home’ by Jodi Picoult.

This was my first and still only novel by Jodi Picoult and I absolutely loved it. As I gather from looking at some of her other books, there’s this typical way in which she constructs a book. Splitting it in parts that are told from the main characters of the story. In this book those are Zoe, her soon-to-be ex-husband Max and Vanessa. Zoe and Max have tried for years to get pregnant, they spent all of their money on in vitro but it never works. At the beginning if the novel Zoe is pregnant and quite far along but she looses the child and is naturally devastated.

Her marriage with Max has been crumbling around the edges for a long time and after the miscarriage they split up because it’s too painful for both of them. Zoe is a musical therapist and while she struggles to accept the loss of her hopes and dreams she becomes friends with Vanessa, a high school guidance counsellor. Vanessa is gay though and after s while, Zoe and Vanessa fall in love with each other. They get married and decide to try to have a baby with the few eggs Zoe still has stored at the fertility clinic. They need Max’s approval though and that sets off a whole fight for marriage equality and so on. While Zoe has found her new romance, Max found refuge in a rather conservative church which advocates against same sex marriage…you see where this is going…a big courtroom showdown.

What initially drew me to this book was the title because I love to sing and music is a constant in my life. The note on the back is very careful not to mention any of the lesbian part of the story and so I was kinda surprised but in a good way. I’m quite thankful to this book because even though it might seem stupid but it made me once and for all realise that I’m gay. The way Vanessa describes how she was always different from the other girls in her class and how she pretended to like the guys all the girls had crushes on even though she knew it wasn’t real for her. I found myself in her character on so many levels it was freaky. I read the 600-something pages in a bit over 24 hours which is FAST for me, really fast. I was THAT invested in the story.

Next: A book that makes you sad

Mixed Signals from Granny

21 Oct

My granny is the person I love most in the world, I hate to see her hurting or not doing well. She is like a parent to me. Now that Mom is no longer with us, Granny and I have sunday lunch together because it’s nice and it would be stupid for both of us to sit at home alone and eat in solitude.

For as long as I can remember she has told me stories of her life, how it was growing up during WW2, what Grandpa was like, how their life together was and what it meant to build their own business. I don’t really remember Grandpa because he died 20 years ago and was sick a long time. But through these stories I know what kind of person he was and I’m glad for it because he made Granny happy. It breaks my heart that she has to spent so much time without him.

Some of the stories I heard multiple times while others are new to me. Only recently her stories subtly changed their message or so I perceive them. They are about marital life and how a woman should treat her husband, that there are other ways to get back at him, if he treated you unfair, than to yell at him or get in an argument. Let him sleep out his hangover, the pain will be punishment enough for him. And so on. I could be wrong but these stories are coming up more and more often and I wonder if she is trying to hint I should find a boyfriend/potential husband. She doesn’t know that I’m a lesbian, not because she is a racist but mostly because I’m a rather private person and even though I know she has nothing against homosexuals in general it’s still a bit terrifying to tell her. I don’t want to rock her world again so close after Mom’s death.

I never brought home a guy, never been in a relationship with one as far as she knows. Even though I don’t particularly look like a stereotypical lesbian except for my footwear, it’s also not a big surprise that I prefer women. But one only sees what one wants to see so I guess this option never crossed her mind.

On the other hand, Granny is terrified that I might fall in love with a man over the internet, and he will rob me of all my possessions and money. Or that he turns out to be an axe-murderer, rapist or whatever her imagination comes up with. Thank you very much TV for fuelling her imagination! She recently told me, that she woke up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare like that. I get that she is worried and cares so much for me but in most cases I’m a grown-up and not stupid. Just because my mother married an idiot does mean I’ll do the same.

It’s like she cannot even  make up her own mind whether I should find a man or become a nun. I try to tell her to not worry so much and I keep wondering if my coming-out to her would actually change her worries or only deepen them. Same sex marriage is partly legal in Germany. It’s called civil union and is like marriage in some points and totally ignorant in others like adoption and tax benefits. I suppose it wouldn’t even make her worry less. It would be like tomayto – tomahto to her and she’d hand me my convent application.

Christmas will be in about 8 weeks and even though we haven’t discussed where we will celebrate this year (even though I’m leaning towards spending it at my uncle’s house) I think it will be a good time to come out to my family as all of them will be together and none of them knows yet. I’m not sure if I will actually go through with it but it would be a proper opportunity at least.

A Thing about Recent Discoveries

5 Jul

Recently I found myself surrounded by some female buddies. I won’t call them friends because we only hang out during performances when there’s no one else to hang out with. One of them had a magazine and as in every summer issue, there was a big love horoscope thing in there. As they were going around reading what their horoscopes predicted for their love lives, they eventually ended up on me and so I had to read mine too.

It predicted something about falling in love with a guy before September and some more of that stuff. And as the girls and the old guy that was sitting with us were very happily talking about this subject it made me a bit uncomfortable because I don’t think I’ll be falling in love with a guy anytime soon since I’d much rather be with a girl but nobody in the theater knows that yet about me.

I don’t feel like going around telling everyone that I’m gay but at that moment I really wanted to blurt it out but of course I didn’t. Maybe I should have, I’m not sure. It’s all still very new so I tried being as evasive as possible whenever the topic of my summer guy love came up again on that afternoon but it left me wondering and amazed at the same time.

Perhaps I could have just changed guy to girl in my head and it would have been fine. But it wasn’t because it bothered me that the stupid magazine only thinks of straight people. This is probably just the beginning of me feeling misrepresented by main-stream media.

Aargh, I don’t know how to fully express these feelings I had.

I’ve been dangling my feet in the truth about my sexuality for months, dancing around the edges of it until everything I held back all those years finally rose to the surface. And I’m glad it did. It’s not that I have zero interest in men but only very little in comparison to women so I should probably call myself bisexual as I am not opposed to ever being with a man but I don’t like that word very much and also I swing more to the female side so I go by lesbian but I actually prefer to call myself gay. Does this make any sense at all?

This was actually the first time I realized the difference of being gay, it never bothered me before when I read something and only straight people were referenced. It never bothered me because I assumed I was one of them; until recently. But I’m not, perhaps I’ve never been only I was not aware of it.

Later that day, the guy who plays Captain Hook asked me if I had a boyfriend and I just told him I’m too boring for anyone to like me. What I wanted to say though is, that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend but a girlfriend because I’m gay. But again, I didn’t.

It’s just so strange since I know there will be more and more times in my life in which I’ll feel misrepresented because people (and I include myself in this) see straight as the default orientation. You assume you’re straight and assume that the people you meet are straight and they are until they reveal themselves as not.

So far, I haven’t fully understood how to handle it with the majority of people I know. But I think that me wanting to tell some of them is a step into the right direction, or am I mistaken? It takes time to fully get my head around everything and I don’t want to rush things. I never do anything in haste so why should I do it with this? But I can’t stop thinking that I had a chance that day to come out further and that I let a good opportunity pass by.

For now, I’ll just stay in the nomansland of not being fully out but not being completely in the closet either.

Should and Shouldn’t

15 Jun

I shouldn’t have eaten the bag of potato chips yesterday.

I shouldn’t be eating the donuts I just bought.

But I do eat them, because my will is pretty weak when it comes to food. And I’m mostly ok with it. I gave up on having the perfect model figure a long, long time ago.

Life isn’t always about doing what you should do. For example, I should be writing on my project at the moment but I ended up on WordPress procrastinating instead.

Blogging has been a great experience so far, I got to know people around the globe I wouldn’t have gotten in contact with if it weren’t for blogging. It also helped me in ways I didn’t know I needed help. Every time I write something and hit the ‘Publish’-button it sets me free a little bit more, especially with the harder stuff I went through so far this year with my mom being sick and dealing with it.

It’s being said that, when you go through rough times, it’s when you really do your soul searching. I’m no stranger to hard times. It’s been ten years since that saturday morning the police rang our doorbell to arrest my father for tax fraught or something like that. My mom was not there, she was at work, like she sometimes did back then. I was really terrified, not because of my father being put in jail but because of what this would mean for my mom. Things were always difficult because of him. I guess this is why I don’t miss having him in my life. I’d love to have a dad right now, someone who would help me take care of mom but I know it’s not the father I have that I want. Does this sound harsh? Well, it’s true.

I’m an honest person, sometimes way to direct and therefore not made to be a diplomat even though I once considered it a career opportunity. If you give me a birthday present, it’s not hard to read my mind whether I like it or not. I know I should just try and be polite but I’m not. I’ve gotten better at it by now but I suppose people can still tell that even if I say ‘thank you’ and ‘oh that is so cool, I like it very much’, I’m lying and I don’t like to lie. My father was good at lying and I don’t want to be!

People should be honest with each other.

But are we always honest with ourselves? Do we even know it when we aren’t?

I didn’t.

And I didn’t know that it was even possible to hide from yourself, especially when you’re an introvert like me who thinks and thinks and thinks about thinking. I was dishonest with myself though and that’s what I learnt in the last months.

It’s ok to be who we are.

‘I’m not afraid anymore.’ This thought hit me yesterday while I was waiting for a friend to go to a concert. I’ve always felt a little different from others. It started in kindergarten when I didn’t know what to answer when one of the other kids asked me what my father’s job was because I honestly didn’t know. All the other kids had dads with normal jobs but not me. I still don’t know what he does and it’s been 20 years since kindergarten.

If you’ve made it this far though this post then you’re certainly asking yourself what I’m trying to say, what the whole point of my trip down memory lane is all about and if I even have a point. Well,…I do, of course. This is not my typical rambling. I’m only prolonging the moment here, to get more time to decide if I should put it on this blog or not. But then again, why am I writing under a nome de plume if not for anonymity, right? So, it shouldn’t be a difficult decision. I shouldn’t be afraid to send this out into the infinity of cyber-space and I’m not. So I’m just gonna say it:

I’m not straight.

How could it take me so long to figure this one out? Well, I honestly don’t know. At least, there are a lot of things in my life that make more sense to me than they did before.

Now, I’m going to hit the ‘Publish’-button once again and let yet another piece of myself float into the nothingness of the blogosphere. I’ll see if it makes me feel freer…

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