Tag Archives: Leaving everything behind

Something’s Missing

16 Jul

I feel my posts are lacking lightness and happiness recently but I don’t know where to take it from, I’m sorry. I feel sad and lonely which is probably why I’m jeaouls of the people I know that have a clear understanding of where they’re headed.

I’m not doing enough of anything, taking care of my mom, keeping the house in order, finishing my studies… I know it, I feel it every day but I can’t change it.

My mom’s chemo treatments have had a bad effect on her blood lately so the next two rounds of chemo were delayed. We still don’t know when they will start again but as her blood tests are showing improvement it will probably not be for long. Still she is so weak, so forgetful and just not the person I knew for most of my life.

Often I ask myself if going through all this shit is really worth it. The possibility of surviving this kind of tumor is near to zero and I don’t feel like the time I have with her is doing me much good. As much as it pains me to say this, but for me, she more or less died a while ago even though her body is still around. But what else is left of that independent woman that raised me, the person who fought so many battles to give me everything she thought I might need? Not much.

My life has me in chains so to speak. She is just a phone call or a text message away and she lets me know this. I don’t feel like I have that much time to myself even though I hardly spent time with her except going to the doctors or other appointments with her. Every time she tells me how good a person I am my heart shouts “NO, I really am not!” because I feel like a looser. I wish I could break free of it all, just leave her behind and start my own life someplace else. But how is this ever going to be possible unless she dies?

I’m not talking to her much lately because I don’t want her advice and also because explaining stuff to her is just really annoying lately since she has a hard time understanding more difficult things. I’m still not finished with my student research project (but getting closer) and I don’t have a place for my thesis yet. She has been asking me about these things a lot for a couple of days now but I refuse to explain her why it’s taking me so damn long because I don’t have an answer for myself. I’m lazy, some things are still missing, I’m stubborn and I don’t know what I will do after graduation.

So I try to avoid talking about this but she keeps getting back to the subject, threatening to talk to our neighbour who is advising my project. I told her that I didn’t want her doing it but she won’t give it a rest. The thing is though that I have to do this on my own, I don’t want my mommy taking care of everything (which she also can’t do anymore). I’m grown up enough to sort out my own things or else how will I ever learn??? I’ve been clear about this, that I want  and need to do this on my own, but she doesn’t understand it.

She thinks we’re in a fight (which we’re not) because I don’t want to talk to her about it and she says that she feels our relationship has taken a bad turn. It probably has but not just recently. It’s been getting worse as her illness has gotten worse. Which makes me feel so, so bad. It does! But I can’t help it.

I want a goddamn break from everything around here which I will get in about four weeks when I’ll leave for my Canada trip. I can’t wait to leave! When I go out with friends I’m still not really free, she calls me with not so necessary things or texts me. I can’t ignore them because something serious could have happened but it hardly ever does. In Canada though I’ll have an excuse to leave my cell phone off because it would be too expensive to talk to her all the time. Ha!

Then again I feel like a horrible person because I can’t show her more empathy, be there for her more. I just don’t know how to do it.

The night she was rushed to the hospital as an emergency I told God (or whomever I believe in) that He could have her. Since He made it pretty clear that she won’t come out on the upper side of things, that it was ok with me if she died. I want it to be quick, maybe an aneurism bursting in her head…so she won’t feel a thing. It’s been three months now and she is still here and I wonder why. What’s the purpose of her sticking around this long?

– Well, I have no clue!

I only know that she is still here and I’m still here, both caught in the ties that bind us to each other. I’m so sorry this is such a depressing and dark post but I need to get things off my chest.

Most people say/ wish/ want to live their lives to the fullest, enjoy every moment of it. I don’t feel like I ever really did that. In general my life is a good one, I have many luxeries, enough to eat and drink. A functioning health care system, friends, hobbies and a loving but small family. Still I’m never satisfied and rather complain about it a lot.  I’m 24 and I feel so overwhelmed with the task that was laid upon me – taking care of my sick mother and being mostly alone with it except for my granny.

I wish I could do great things, help people, make the world a better place to live in, and yes, live my life to the fullest. But how can I do that when I fail at being a better person in my own home? How does one live the crap out of one’s life anyway?

Time seems to be fleeting, going faster with every day that goes by. How many days do I even have left before it is all over and I have to look back at what I did with my precious time on earth. Will I be sorry in the end?

My greatest fear is not being loved and not loving enough. Will I ever fall head over heals, madly in love with another person? Will I ever be loved back in an equal way? I want this so badly yet I’m afraid of putting myself out there. Being gay is most likely not improving my chances at finding a partner. I’m just so sick and tired of being alone, going to bed alone, waking up alone, going through my days hoping things will change but not having the the nerve to actually change things.

I feel as far away from accomplishing any of my dreams as possible. I don’t see the road anymore and some dreams are vanishing in the mist that covers most of them.

So far, the only thing I figured out about myself is, that I need to run at least once a week to keep my inner bitch tied to the ground. So, even though it rains and rains and rains, I go into the forest and run because it’s the only thing helping me these days.

This post has been long enough now, and I applaud everyone who made it this far. Thank you for enduring my ranting and complaining and whining. I’m also sorry for using ‘I’ so much. It must mean I’m pretty self-centered most of the time. See you tomorrow. Maybe my mind won’t be this dark after sleeping tonight? – Oh, one can only hope.

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A little bit of everything

20 Jun

There’s not much happening right now except that I am tired even though it’s only 4pm. I blame the weather because it’s been raining for a while now and the grey in grey mix of not really bright days is getting a little bit to me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better because I have two performances and it really sucks when you have to play in the rain. The forecast says it will be dry but I’ve been burnt before, I don’t trust the forecasts blindly. One never should!

Other than that, it’s only 13 days until I will see my friend family from Sweden again. They are doing this amazing thing of visiting me only to see me act in Peter Pan! Can you believe it? – Me neither! I mean, they’re coming from Sweden!! This is crazy but so lovely and I admire them for it. It’s been over two years since I saw them last but they were so sweet to me while I was in Växjö. He is a trained opera singer who teaches at Malmö University now and she is a teacher for adults. During my stay in their hometown they took me to theater rehearsals which he was directing, I got to tag along when she went to junta with her friends and I was treated to lovely dinners and fikas!

In front of Lantcafé in Öhr. A lovely place for a fika on a sunday.

If you have no clue what a fika is, let me try to enlighten you. A fika is the best thing coming out of Sweden after IKEA and Astrid Lindgren! Not kidding. There is not a simple translation, like in one word, for it. A fika is a get-together with friends, you have coffee or tea, something simple to eat or so. It’s a meeting with friends and some food. I don’t know how to better explain it, but it’s cool, maybe just because I like the word so much. You see, it can be used as a noun and verb (amazing right?)! Oh, and it’s just so swedish :D Maybe you want a better explanation, click here.

In the same instance my mom is driving me nuts in the last couple of days. She is weaker than ever, well not ever but she hasn’t been this bad in a while. She forgets a lot of stuff, can’t keep her few appointments in order and so on. Simultaneously she tries to tell me how I have to do certain things and I’m sorry, but I refuse to be told what to do by someone who is unable to remember taking her meds three times a day. I have to keep not only my affairs in order but hers too and that is a big ugly mess.

Everything is so complicated with her, I prefer to let things come and then I’ll deal with what is right in front of me rather than going bananas way before anything even happens. You don’t have to complicate simple things, it’s ok to let them be the way they are. Clean and simple.

We don’t talk much anymore, the thing is, I don’t have much to say to her aside from asking her what she wants to eat, when her next appointment is and if she has taken her meds. I don’t want to talk about what shit they’re selling on QVC and I have no private stuff to share with her because it always comes back to haunt me (aside from there is nothing happening in my life anyways), because again she makes everything bigger than it needs to be. It’s sometimes like we don’t even speak the same language anymore. I don’t know. All I can think about is, that I want to move out and away as soon as possible but that I have no clue how to do that because it means leaving her alone and she cannot take care of herself at the moment.

Damn it, still too early to go to sleep. What do I do now? Oh, right, watch the pilot of Heroes, because, my will is weak and I’m too lazy/tired to read.

These roller-coaster days of mine…

29 Feb

…I hate you and I am not afraid to use the word ‘hate’. It’s a strong word and I mean it!! I could live pretty happily without them and the feeling of being left on the down side. I prefer being happy or at least not so sad, but who doesn’t?

Today is just another one in a long series of days, I have so many different emotions, I don’t know where to put all of them. Happy, sad, bored, annoyed, happy again, sad, tired, just to name a few. Why is it that when something good happens, immediately a bad thing follows and why are there always more bad things than good things happening or is this just my crazy pessimistic brain talking?

Maybe my sleepy (and when I get sleepy and pessimistic I get slightly cranky too) brain is talking but I feel just to upset to go to sleep right now, so here I am, rambling on and on about…stuff. Boy, I do enjoy the ‘…’ today. It’s hard to adequately describe my mood so just picture those three little dots where my faith and soul overlap and you understand. It doesn’t even matter what is upsetting me right now because it repeats itself every so often and it’s annoying.

Why won’t it stop?

Why am I stuck here in this time and place where it seems whatever I do, it changes nothing, and nothing at all.

I would love a break, leave everything behind (again) and try on a different life somewhere else. Maybe it would fit better, maybe there were less problems. Then again I remember, everybody has problems, no one is happy all the time, right? Right! But still, a little time off of my worries would be nice.

Most problems concern my Mom and her illness and I just don’t see an end to it in the near future which means I will be stuck here for some time to come.

I’ll try to sleep now hoping that tomorrow after I wake up, the sky is clear and life is good again (it happens, you know?! just not often enough lately) and I won’t feel alone anymore. My feelings are just so torn at the moment, they can’t even decide whether I want to be left alone or with someone. I guess the truth is, those are two different someones, they only happen to have the same name.

Does this even make sense anymore? Dunno, don’t care, see you on a better day…hopefully…

I can’t walk away…

17 Feb

…so I’m burning down the house. That’s how I feel like lately and I can’t get this line from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip out of my head. Matt talks to Harriet about their on-again-off-again relationship. Neither of them can leave the other and thus find closure because they’re working for he same late night comedy show. After their relationship fell through the last time it seems to be really over but as Harriet is the star of the show and Matt it’s head writer neither can take time off to get to the bottom of their feelings, to breath again and get a different perspective on everything.

“You can’t walk away so you’re burning down the house?”

I seem to be doing the exact same thing although I am not freaking out because a relationship didn’t come through for me. It’s just that I am annoyed as hell by my Mom and I can’t really go anywhere. I can’t leave because it would mean leaving here alone while she is ill and can’t even drive a car on her own. That’s the problem when you’re an only child of a divorced single parent with a severe illness. You’re stuck! And it sucks from time to time, now being the time it sucks majorly.

I should be thankful for the time I can still spend with her, yada yada yada. I know that! Nonetheless am I 24 years old and living at home, where I feel like I am still treated like a kid. On the contrary I am more than capable of taking care of my own, I proved it to myself when I spent 5 months in Sweden as an exchange student. I survived and I did pretty well on my own might I add.

So here I am, stuck in a house I don’t want to be in with my Mom who is making plans where to go and what to do and all I keep thinking is, that I am not planning on doing those vacations with her because although I desperately need a holiday, it’s not a holiday with her but from her that I need. Obviously I don’t want to crush her spirits but I also have to look out for myself. Which brings me back to the beginning of this post.

Since I am unable to leave my cage some people may call home, I keep snapping at my Mom and not being nice. I get annoyed whenever she opens her mouth. I was never a rebel, not as a teenager and not now but I am perfecting the one-syllable-answer because it is all can manage without every tiny thought I want to tell her but can’t because she would start crying and I don’t want to be the trigger!

My Mom and I always had a good relationship but a big part of it was that we were not seeing that much of each other and I was letting a lot of things fly by with a “If it makes you happy I am going along with it” attitude. I can’t do that anymore. I am still upset about the last time this behavior maneuvered me into a hell of it’s own. When you have ever been on a cruise (or other happy event) with hundreds of happy people and you were the only person who would’ve rather been anywhere else than on that cruise ship for your birthday miles and miles away from all the people you cared for, you might understand me. In order not to let anything similar happen in the near future I am not committing to anything anymore.

I don’t want pity, I just want to be able to walk away and not feel guilty about living my own life. After all, I am turning a quarter of a century old this year. It has to mean something, don’t you think?

Well, I hope I did not came across as a total d-bag, and if so…I just can’t help it. I will embrace my d-bagness!

My book-crush

3 Feb

Here I am, contemplating whether I’m going to start reading this book again, tonight, the only ‘problem’ being that I already read it 3 times, two of them in the last 2 weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I looooove reading, it’s just that I almost never re-read books (except the one time I re-read Pride and Prejudice), because of all the yet unread books out there and on my shelves.

THE book is “The Good Luck Girl” by Kerry Reichs (also known as Leaving Unknown in the US), in case you were wondering :-) Kerry is the daughter of famous crime novel writer and forensic anthropologist Kathy Reichs who’s novels the TV show Bones is based upon. The book I’m kinda obsessed about is Kerry’s second novel featuring the protagonist Maeve Connolly, side character in the first novel “Best Day of Someone Else’s Life”. At first I was reluctant to buy the kind of follow-up book, because Maeve didn’t seem to be that great a character from my first impressions, but the comments on Amazon made me buy it nonetheless. And I’m glad I did! This was in August.

Maeve is 26 years old and at first it appears as if she is just sloppy, living on her parents charity. She finished college but doesn’t have a clue what to do next, especially after losing her bar-tending job. But after 60 pages or so I was hooked, although it takes about another 100 pages to truly understand why Maeve is the way she is now. That being, her having had leukemia when she was a freshman in college and losing her best friend and treatment buddy to this disease.

She decides to take a road trip to California with her bird Oliver in her vintage car to revive an old friendship and to prove to herself that she can indeed finish something she has set her mind to, only to find herself stranded in rural Arizona, because her car breaks down close to the town of Unknown. There, she is forced to stay until her car is repaired, which takes much longer than initially anticipated but is not at all unwelcome. Maeve has to find a job which she does in the town’s only bookstore, owned by handsome Noah also known as a famous children’s book author. Of course she falls in love with him throughout the book and it takes them until the end to find their happiness, it is a great journey for her character. Maeve becomes an inspiration to Noah, who eventually writes her her own book “The Girl who Could” which for me may be the simple greatest thing to do.

All the supporting characters add to make Unknown appear to be the greatest town to be living in, because they are a rather small community and thus know and care for each other.

So why is it, that I’ve read this book three times now? – I am not completely sure, but Maeve just seems such a great character, specially after you learn, why she put her life on hold for so long. It has helped me understand my mom a little bit better (it hasn’t made me much more patient so far, I guess nothing will do that to me). Not that she has leukemia, but brain cancer with a way worse prognosis than the girl in this book. I have always moved away when I read the word ‘cancer’ in a story description long before she was diagnosed. And I haven’t changed much in that way, except for this particular book. Having to live with someone who is currently fighting a war against his or her own body is not as terrible as having to do it yourself, but it still is horrible.

I go through a lot of emotions Kerry Reichs addresses in her book, and it feels good to see I am not alone. I am not comparing myself to a cancer patient here, but just the idea of leaving everything behind and going on a road trip, destination nowhere, is a dream, especially when I feel overwhelmed by everything; the pressure of exams, finishing my university degree, not knowing what to do after graduation and not knowing when your mom is going to die or if treatment will work on her. My love for traveling may also have contributed to my obsession with this book, in which sadness is turned into happiness throughout 390 pages. I cried a lot while reading, especially when Reichs describes Maeve’s feelings upon losing her best friend while simultaneously fighting the same disease. I suppose I cannot truly explain my draw to this book, it just makes me feel warm and happy inside when I really feel crappy about everything. It leaves me in awe, because I will probably never find this man who will dedicate a whole book to me, or any similar outburst of creativity. And I will probably also not become an author myself, although I was always drawn to writing and have tried my hand at several stories, all of whom are not really noteworthy.

To finish this, I know that Maeve is only a fictional character, and I am not the kind of girl who fell in love with a boy band member when I was growing up, I would love to be friends with her. We both share a lot of interests like photography, colorful socks and a love for books and eating. I’m also familiar to the urge to run sometimes in order to get rid of all the tension inside of yourself, so I will probably pick up this book soon again to loose myself in it!

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