Tag Archives: Growing up

Mina goes Grown-Up

30 Jul

Yep, you read that right, this little blogger is in the business of growing up, just a little bit though. I’m not ready for the whole nine yards yet. However, I managed to graduate from the university with my very own diploma in Industrial Engineering!! I think this calls for a little dance party, what would you say?

lemon dance 4

lemon dance 3

See, that was fun. Now onto the not so fun parts of graduating, having to actually work for a living, look for a job and all those other pesky things. I’ve taken my sweet time to get there when you keep in mind that I handed in my thesis at the end of May. Whoops. Sorry, not sorry. I took some time off traveling and avoiding responsibilities but now it’s time to actually do something useful with my time. (Not that marathoning all the TV shows of ever is not a useful thing in my book, but, you know, something that pays the bills.)

Yesterday I sent out a couple of applications and just in time I might add to get my uncle off my back because they’re coming over on the upcoming weekend. This had me spending my sunday night analysing why I’m dreading their arrival. Many points were already made in a post earlier this year. He won’t be able to complain though since I actually applied for some jobs. I even bought my very first pant suit which incidentally makes me want to throw up because, ugh, adulthood. I may also have created my very first online dating profile and I still don’t know how that makes me feel.

I fully plan on blogging about my holiday sometime soon but I’ve been too lazy to do so until now and with VEDA starting on Thursday, I guess it won’t happen too soon?! Will see, can’t promise anything. Have a Blurred Lines gender-swap video while you wait, m’kay?

How has life been treating you guys? What’s new? Talk to me!

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Families – Given and Chosen Ones

30 Mar

My family is pretty small, it consists of my Gran, uncle, aunt, their two kids and me. As this weekend celebrates Easter, they came to visit their families. I love them, I really do, but at the same time I feel weird around my uncle and his family especially without my grandma who’s in the hospital. I tend to get along better with his wife than with him even though he is my blood relative. The fact that he even managed to find a decent wife is beyond me because while I like him, he is a nerd of the worst kind and I couldn’t stand being married to him.

It probably has something to do with the fact that he and I are two opposites of the same coin. We’re both know-it-alls, science geeks and so on. He is Microsoft all the way while I swing both ways. I prefer having a Windows desktop PC and a Macbook to carry around with me. I have an iPhone, he has some unnaturally big Android phone-almost tablet. And there starts one of my biggest problems with him. He constantly has to bash my Apple products. I never bring it up but he always finds a way to tell me that his Samsung products are so much better than my Apple ones. I don’t even care, man! I know all the arguments against Apple products but come on, can’t you just let it go for once? We don’t have to have the same conversation every time we meet. I try not to let it get to me but in a way it does.

The repetitiveness is so annoying. I’m not telling him what I think about his kids. Especially my oldest cousin is the laziest person I know which says a lot coming from me, self-proclamied queen of procrastination. Both kids had so many electronic gadgets growing up, I think they overdone it. I keep comparing my cousins to myself. Well, the 90s were a tad different but I saw my mom struggle, there are things I would have liked to have had but I would also never have asked for them because I didn’t want Mom to spend too much money. After all, she was supporting my stupid father. These kids haven’t seen the things I had when I was their age (and my life wasn’t even close to bad as a kid, just not as spoiled) which is probably a good thing but it also taught me modesty in a way. I may be an only child but I’m not that spoiled aside from when it comes to my peculiar eating habits.

The thing is, I constantly feel judged around them. They and especially my uncle, always ask about my thesis and what/where I want to apply for a job after graduation. Like, OMG, I’ve had this conversation so many times now. I get how you’re showing interest in my life but it doesn’t feel right with me. My answers are usually pretty simple. I have some ideas of what I want to do after leaving the university but I won’t tell them because I don’t want my ideas bashed and judged like my choice in computers and smartphones. I have my own process. I figure things out differently than he might does, like writing a blog. My way is not always the fastest but it’s mine and I have to take it. I can’t walk someone else’s road in life. It needs to be my own. I’m my own person.

Like when I told them of my travel plans for the summer it felt like my uncle wanted to say: “Yeah kid, you should just get a job. And oh, that sounds expensive. Are you sure about this? And what do you mean, you will only start looking for a job once your thesis is finished?” He didn’t say any of this but that’s the vibe I got from him. So sorry uncle that my life plan looks so much different from yours. I hate confrontations which is why this post is happening. Ugh, this is me venting in a stupid ass way.

It’s different with my Granny who is more like a second mother to me. We understand each other without words. I may never be told everything but I feel trusted with her. If it weren’t for me, she would have given up on life a while ago. Her words, not mine. Not quite sure if it’s more humbling or scary because I can never live up to be the amazing person I want to be to make her and Mom proud. I’m still trying.

I’ve grown up enough to understand though that there is more than one kind of family. It doesn’t just have to be the one you were born into. You can make your own family, not only by choosing someone to spend your life with but also through surrounding yourself with friends you care about. For example, when I meet up with bestfriendboy’s mother I don’t feel judged. I can talk more openly to her than to my uncle or his wife. She understands like no other what kind of strength last year cost me. I feel understood and valued for who I am and not judged because I happen to have different views on a lot of things.

Then there are the theatre folks. I may not have a lot of contact with any of them outside of theatre but we’re still some sort of family. A big, loud and messy one.

And then there are the true friends you have; the ones who listen to you complaining for hours or can watch FRIENDS with for the 1.5468th time; the ones you can sit in silence with without it getting uncomfortable. They are my real family, not because I was forced on them but because we chose to be in each other’s lives.

I know Granny won’t care that I’m gay even though I still haven’t told her. Never felt like a good time which is a cowards excuse, I know. With my uncle though…not saying he would hate me for it, but it’s something I feel uncomfortable telling him because I’m afraid he would find some way to stomp on my heart for it. Not necessarily with words but in the way I can sense his disapproval of my travel plans. Also, I never get how religious he and his wife truly are and what views they have on homosexuality. I know that I should have told them by now. I need to do it for my own sake because then I can stop thinking about it. Only, how do you steer a conversation there without being like: “Can you pass me the potatoes and btw I like women not men!”? He stopped asking if I had a boyfriend some years ago after I got angry with him for his nosiness so that is not an option for opening this conversation.

I’m not even expecting much from coming out to them. I just want them to know without making a big thing out of it which seems to be irreconcilable to me. Why can’t I just write them an e-mail? I feel so much better in writing than speaking, probably why I’m a blogger.

Look at the time and word count. I’ve rambled on for over 1200 words now and so much for getting to sleep early, maybe reading one or two chapters and then fall into blissful sleep. Good job, way to go me!

Basically, what I was trying to say is, I can love my relatives without being in synch with them I guess. We’re just too similar in some ways and too opposite in others. I just have to make it through 2 meals this weekend without loosing my shit while hopefully finding an opening to come out. And then I can go and have fun with my real family. Thanks for listening to me internet. You’re a true pal.

Internalizing Thruths

22 Mar

I’m an awful liar aside from the little white lies I may be using to get out of whatever kind of event you invited me to because I’d much rather sit at home in my pyjamas and watch TV, thank you. Other than that though, I suck at this as I most recently was reminded of again while I was selling Mom’s car. However I am good at lying to myself; this blog is in some part a testament to this.

I didn’t want to be gay so I tuned out what every part of my being yelled at me and moved on until I was ready to accept this truth about myself and since then I came around full circle; I couldn’t be happier about that but I regret the time it took me to get here. There are still other parts of me under heavy construction though. Well, I will always be a work in progress and so is everybody else. As our lives change, so do we with them; we adapt and move on. This is a good thing. It would be atrocious if we ever stayed the same person; same as we were when we were 15 or 7 or…you get the picture. The circumstances of our lives deeply influence who we become as a person.

The last year may have almost broken me but it didn’t because I am strong, I may struggle with things but I can also keep my head above water even if it’s just barely. This is important to know. I’m strong and not afraid to be alone but that last part is a lie. Many post can tell you so because I do mind  being unattached even if it’s stupid. Even if it’s stupid and I know better! I’ve had my problems with this for years, many years!

I used to (and to some extend still do) believe that I’d be happier, more successful, not as lazy, a better person…if I’d:

  • loose wait
  • looked better
  • fell in love
  • finished a certain task (mostly uni related)
  • and many more things I can’t even remember right now.

The truth is, nothing falls magically into place just because one little unimportant thing changes. That’s not how life works because happiness comes from within! If I loose 5 kilos it would be nice, of course, but it wouldn’t mean I will know for what job I’m going to apply in June or when/where/if I meet the love of my life. I’ll probably still be as insecure in a lot of ways as I am now. It doesn’t make me get my shit together any more than not loosing weight, growing long hair etc.

Usually, things don’t magically fall into place, opportunities arise and you take them if you’re lucky, but constantly looking for what you think is missing, is bad and not helpful. The thing is, I knew that all along. This is not news to me, not at all but I never internalized this truth, never accepted it. Still haven’t done so completely. So this is where the heavy construction is currently located; trying to make myself believe the things I know to be true.

I am good enough! I don’t need anyone to define my life for me! I love myself (most days, because sometimes even I find myself annoying)! I am strong! I am extraordinary because I’ve been weak but also know my way out of a hole! I am not alone!

(I could not not include this scene from one of my all-time favourite shows and I didn’t just spend what felt like eternity on tumblr to find these gifs. Here’s also the link to the full scene as I only took a couple of lines from it.)

If I don’t learn to internalize the things I know I will get lost in misery faster than I can switch on the light and the darkness of my thoughts would swallow me whole. I know that because I’ve got close to it until I couldn’t take the sadness anymore. Being sad is exhausting, I’d much rather be happy which is what I’m trying to be. Happy and at ease with myself. I’m already doing better, I know as much even though the last two weeks were weird and set me back a bit.

I’ve been lying or at least not listening to myself for far too long and it’s time to stop it. I’m on my way and I can only hope that this serves as a reminder for when I am not as confident with my abilities and emotions as I want to be, should be. There will always be truths I know but don’t have accepted yet, I suppose. This shaping of a human into someone I am proud of will always be an ongoing process. Not saying I’m not proud or happy with myself now, only that there is still room for improvement. There always is.

Thank you, Doctor!

Winning Adulthood … Or Not?!

13 Mar

Like any self-respecting 20-something blogger I struggle with the concept of adulthood in one form or another. Most days I consider myself a failure at being grown-up. I eat all kinds of shit and not the most appropriate things in regard to the time of day, watch too much telly and dress in all colours of the rainbow. Also, referring to adults as grown-ups should clearly show that I’m not yet a full member of that club.

I couldn't find a bloody gif for this scene of Gilmore Girls so you get this instead. Also, reciting life-advice from TV shows?! No adult!

I couldn’t find a bloody gif for this scene of Gilmore Girls so you get this instead. Also, reciting life-advice from TV shows?! Not an adult!

Last week I tweeted how I again failed at being a responsible adult because I stayed in bed instead of getting up at a reasonable hour to go working on my thesis. It didn’t matter that I planned to get up in the morning on the night before because against better judgement of myself, I turned my alarm clock off. Kirsti was kind enough to put things into perspective for me though.

Please ignore the typos. I was still in bed and only typing with one eye open because the screen was so bright.

Please ignore the typos. I was still in bed and only typing with one eye open because the screen was so bright.

So, as it turns out, I’m actually winning adulthood. BAM!

The thing is, I don’t even know what makes an adult and adult. Working? – fail; Catching up on responsibilities? – about 50/50; Being able to call non-family members on the phone? – Only if I mentally prepare myself for a couple of days; Being asked if I’m old enough to drink? – Too many times to count.

That’s all I can think of and it doesn’t even sound legitimate as a point of reference. Maybe I’m better than I give myself credit for; maybe I’m worse. Who knows?! I sure as hell don’t! After all, there are days I have cheesecake for breakfast but because I’m 25 years old and nobody sees me while I do so, I actually can do it. I may have the ingredients to someday make a decent adult (if I ever figure out what that exactly entails) but so far, I’m taking the best parts of both worlds, mix them together and make my life up as I go along. Hello there, yellow brick road, where are you taking me?

“Is there a point to this post at all”, you may ask. Not so much, sorry. This is a long winded and contrivance-y approach for putting the link to my first awkward vlog on this blog.

rmiles, remember when I told you I don’t have a real German accent? This is your opportunity to find out if I was right even though I know you are more of a reader.

Embracing My Inner Kid!

4 Apr

There is a great quote from FRIENDS, well actually there are like a ton of those but that’s not the point. Joey has this new girlfriend, Melanie, and while the guys all sit together at Monica’s place, she says: “There is a little child inside this man!” and Chander answers: “Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he’ll die.”

I love this quote, mostly because I just love Chandler for his humor, he is the best (at least for me, I know tastes vary). The other reason I love it, is because I think we all should be like this and keep the little kid inside of us alive, happy and well nourished. This is maybe stupid, coming from a 24-year-old, but nevertheless I don’t think I’m wrong here. After all, Ellen agrees with me, so duh! If Ellen says that, it must be true xD, just kidding, I’m not some crazy person who listens to what celebrities say and then has to do whatever they tell me to.

I got the idea for this post, while I was reading through older posts of This Labyrinth I Roam, where Anju writes about how she was as a child and it made me think about how much I am still a little kid inside. So, this is going to be a list of reasons why I am definitely no grown-up (and probably never will be, because it’s boring, also I still feel like I’m 14 most of the times and I don’t see it changing anytime soon).

Here we go then in no particular order and without numbers (take that Freshly Pressed):

Sometimes, I like to get on one leg and jump up the stairwell to see how many jumps I can do without losing the rythm.

Braids are my choice for a hairstyle. Most likely because my mom never knew how to braid hair so as a child I never got to wear nice braids and I have to make up the lost time now. It’s also a great way to not deal with my curls.

Ok, don't mind the light blurriness and just concentrate on those beautiful socks :D Originally this photo was taken to show a friend the new dress I got, so don't be to harsh with your judgement. Thanks!

Striped (knee-) socks are what make my feet and me happy. I recently got some new ones (they were actually made for children but fit perfectly on my legs as well) and they’re awesome. Colorful and fun looking.

In general I love to wear colorful clothes because they make me happy especially in the darker seasons like winter. I will probably never fully understand how people can choose dark winter coats, they’re so depressing and black as if winter wasn’t dark and depressing enough on its own.

Sometimes, when there is a streetlamp in the way, I walk straight towards it and only decide at the last possible moment on which side I should pass without crashing into it.

When there are hip-high obstacles in the way, I like to let my hand(s) glide over them as if they were little planes in order to make me believe I can actually fly. Believe me, the day I learnt that no matter how fast I flutter with my arms, I’ll never be able to fly on my own, was a very sad day.

I proudly wear my T-shirt with Ernie and his little rubber duck from Sesame Street on it. What can I say, it’s green and so cute!

I don’t like wearing heels, mostly because my insole, to even out my odd-lenghted legs, doesn’t fit into them. I will probably be wearing Chucks for the rest of my life xD or at least for a pretty long time!

I rather play board games with friends than go out and get drunk because I neither like beer nor wine. It’s tragic, I know and oh-so boring!

I can eat an entire cheesecake in less than 2 days, maybe even one day, on my own and I don’t even feel bad. Besides, why should I, it’s delicious!

There’s never a day not to eat candy or potato chips or chocolate or all of them together.

I love snow, you can have snowball fights, make snow-angels and go sleigh-riding and yes, I still do these things.

This may not be the most imaginative list and I thought I had more to say when I started writing than I actually came up with but there you have it. I’m like Peter Pan, I don’t really believe in growing up because it seems to be boring. I could be wrong, of course, but I’m not ready to find out yet. I prefer to keep my inner child alive and not let it starve out of neglect or even worse, change who I am.

I spent my youth wanting to be older, more grown up because I thought it would make things easier and me more confident. Guess what, nothing changed so far except the years on my clock. I’m done wanting to grow up, maybe it will sneak up on me someday in the future but until then, I embrace myself, whoever that is.

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