Tag Archives: Friends

Normalcy is overrated, right?

4 Sep

Today I came across a blog post by the lovely Emmy in which she talks about the difficulties she has about explaining where she is from/what exactly made her her. I couldn’t explain it either, there is only one thing I remember about growing up which is still with me in some way – wanting to feel normal.

There is not one single definition as to what makes a life normal and another one abnormal. There are definitions as to what the adjective ‘normal’ refers to but what is a normal human being? How does he/she feel? I guess many people think of themselves as different, so here is my tale.

The first time I felt different was in kindergarten when I was asked what my father’s job was and I couldn’t answer. At that time he still lived with me and mom but I had no clue as to what his job was since he spent most of his time at home but not like a stay at home parent. All I knew was that he was not really unemployed but not really employed either as he was doing stuff that wasn’t cool. Kindergarten!Me didn’t know what to make of it so I said I didn’t exactly know; the first of many such explanations. All I wanted was to be able to say, hey, my dad is a police man, a firefighter, construction worker, secretary etc. but I couldn’t because it wasn’t the truth.

I knew from an early age that my parents weren’t happily married; in fact one of my first memories is seeing my father shove my mom into a wall so hard it left a crack in it. I heard them yelling at each other too many times, mostly about money. To this day I don’t know everything but I know enough to be sure he was an ass. The rest, I really do not want to know. I have no idea why my mom didn’t divorce him sooner but once he moved out of the house I was glad. However it was another thing that said I wasn’t normal – my parents were separated whereas all my friends at school had mostly happy families with parents that were still married and living together without yelling at each other all the time. I wanted that so badly.

In 2003 I had to have surgery on my hip which meant I didn’t have to go on the class trip to France (which I was more than happy about) but it also meant I was running around on crutches for the better part of that year, having physical therapy and all sorts of stuff. Regarding medical issues one can have, my hip dysplasia is a light weight but nevertheless none of the other kids had to explain why they needed surgery. When they were on crutches, it was because they had broken a bone or sprained their ankle like normal kids/teens.

Of course this post couldn’t be complete without talking about being gay since it took me so long to accept that about myself. I have a very specific memory of thinking “Please don’t let me be gay, please, I want to be like everyone else”. I was in fifth or sixth grade by then, maybe even younger. So for the next ten years I wasn’t gay, I was trying to find boys exciting but I failed miserably. When a boy tried to kiss me (at least I think that’s what he was doing) in seventh grade, I just ran away. I had no problem flirting with him over text messages but heaven forbid we were face to face. Back then, I didn’t realise why I ran away from him, or why I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel about the next one, in retrospect it makes sense though.

To this day I feel like the odd kid out, I frequently cannot remember German words while I know the exact right phrase in English. I watch shows that none of the people around me have watched whereas I don’t keep up with crappy reality TV like everyone else. There are things I feel like someone my age should have experience by now, like falling in love, being in a relationship, going on a date and all that stuff. I don’t have a father anymore, or a mother. I keep the biggest part of my online life secret from most people in my life except my closest friends because they don’t understand why I live online like this. I hardly ever felt normal. I still don’t. Maybe that is a lot of bullshit, lots of people have weird things going on in their lives, I am by far an exception and normalcy is overrated anyway. Just sometimes I’d like to be able to see the normal, easy road ahead of me instead of the unpaved road I usually travel on.

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Deserving

10 Jul

Again I apologise for my long absence. I’ve been busy with acting, finishing school, traveling and avoiding adulthood. I’ll try to get back into posting more regularly though. I swear.

_____

My university did not have a lot of partnerships with english speaking universities and my one and only choice was to go to Sweden but the placements there were few with many applicants. However I was one of the chosen ones and got to go to my dream university. From there on out my love affair with Sweden began.

Why am I telling you this? Because I just got back from my holiday in Sweden and it was marvellous; I wish I didn’t have to leave. I got to spend time again with my Swedish Friend Family. That’s a program my host university in Sweden was offering, you write a little bit about yourself and the nice lady in the office tries to match you with a willing family to experience some life outside of campus and university. I don’t remember what I wrote but as my biggest hobby is doing theatre I definitely put that down in my text. And what do you know? I got matched with this brilliant family that is into music and theatre themselves. I had a splendid time when I hung out with them and now it’s three years later and we are still in contact.

Sometimes I wonder though, how did I get so lucky? I mean, I always wonder that when something extraordinarily good happens in my life like the things I mentioned above. Where did I go right, why do I deserve this? Or do I actually deserve this? I am not special, fairly mediocre to be honest and I live too much online but somehow I have these people in my life that I can only be grateful for. My life has not always been peanut-butter and fluff but it wasn’t bad at all either. Through some random happenings though I was blessed with lovely friends and great people. I have no idea how that works and why things work in my favour like this. Don’t get me wrong, it makes me eternally happy but how?

HOW?

Tell me what I did right in my 25 years so far so I can continue doing it. I don’t really believe in karma; do good things so they will come back to you. I’m trying to be a decent human being but that surely cannot be enough, can it? I make my fair share of stupid mistakes and wrong choices but here I am, having great things happening to me. This whole thought-process is probably very weird but it was on my mind so here ya go. If any of my dear readers has any wisdom on the subject to offer, I’d appreciate it.

____

(And now that I put this out here I will probably have a horrible time finding a decent job but okay)

On Internet Friendships

14 May

I don’t think I’ve done a post on this subject before but I believe it’s something that comes up for every blogger/person that lives as obnoxiously online like I do; or so I believe. I don’t like making the division between IRL friends and online friends. This is partly due to the fact that I don’t advertise my online life as such. My close friends know that I blog and tweet and whatnot but they don’t care too much for it. And for all the other people I know, explaining what blogging is and that I do it and why is just way too annoying so I just refer to people I meet on the internet as my friends.

Secondly, though I also believe that it doesn’t matter if you only communicate with this person over the internet because he/she is hundreds or thousands of miles away. They can still be good friends and sometimes even better than those ‘real’ people in your life. Just a recent example, Sunday was Mother’s Day. I don’t much care for this day, never have and never will because I’m just not a fan of doing anything just because everyone else is doing it. So my Gran got flowers today and not on Sunday. Even though it’s a stupid day in my opinion, it was the first Mother’s Day without my Mom. None of my friends said anything about that but as I was going to bed I got the sweetest tweet from Nicole sending me a gigantic virtual hug to counterbalance all the Mother’s Day craziness on social media. (Twitter and Facebook really went crazy that day.) This consideration blew me away, partly because I always suspect people I find to be really cool think of me as the annoying fifth wheel.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, after I delivered my flowers to Grandma she told me about her ‘friends’ grandkid who’s 16 that did/wanted to (idk I didn’t pay close attention) meet a man she met on the internet. And then she asked me who I was meeting in Edinburgh next month even though I told her it was another exchange student I met in Sweden. I know this is a lie but my Gran has absolutely no idea how the internet works and believes that everywhere we sign up online it’s for murderers and rapists to find us. I have no intention of ever explaining blogging/Twitter/tumblr and Facebook to her because I don’t think she would understand why we do these things and that not every person you meet online is a bad guy.

I trust my judgement enough to know that Anju is not going to hack me into pieces in Edinburgh and I also don’t know why this is such a big deal when she is okay with me traveling to Sweden on my own in July. I know she is doing so out of love and because she cares for me, but what does she think is going to happen? I’m flying there (done this many, many times even on my own), we’re going to stay in a hostel for 2 nights (more people to prevent axe-murdering) and visit the city, talk, take photos and have fun. I really cannot think of what terrible thing will happen to me because I chose to meet a person I know for almost 2 years now in comparison to going alone. I could just very well be making this weekend trip on my own, but honestly, then she would go crazy for a different reason.

Maybe I am a little bit naive but I believe there to be a certain ‘codex’ between bloggers. I mean, this is not some shady ICQ chatroom. When you’re a personal blogger like me, who mainly follows personal bloggers, you get to know the people you interact with most. Of course it is only a fraction of who they are as to what they reveal on the internet but still. People in real life can be murderers too, you know?! Just last week a woman my age was murdered by her boyfriend in my town. I didn’t know her but bestfriendboy did and he said I knew her cousin so there’s that. It’s a big deal because not many people get murdered here, we don’t even have out own homicide unit, they have to come in from the next bigger city.  What I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t matter where you know the friends you know from, there’s always the possibility of them having a secret you don’t know. If I meet someone in class at the university I have no way of knowing that he is NOT the next bloody face killer who secretly skins people in his basement. I have to trust my judgement and I have to do the same with the people I meet online.

I hope this made at least some sense, I’m trying to get back into blogger-groove which may take a while. Until then, have fun with my incoherent babbling.

Families – Given and Chosen Ones

30 Mar

My family is pretty small, it consists of my Gran, uncle, aunt, their two kids and me. As this weekend celebrates Easter, they came to visit their families. I love them, I really do, but at the same time I feel weird around my uncle and his family especially without my grandma who’s in the hospital. I tend to get along better with his wife than with him even though he is my blood relative. The fact that he even managed to find a decent wife is beyond me because while I like him, he is a nerd of the worst kind and I couldn’t stand being married to him.

It probably has something to do with the fact that he and I are two opposites of the same coin. We’re both know-it-alls, science geeks and so on. He is Microsoft all the way while I swing both ways. I prefer having a Windows desktop PC and a Macbook to carry around with me. I have an iPhone, he has some unnaturally big Android phone-almost tablet. And there starts one of my biggest problems with him. He constantly has to bash my Apple products. I never bring it up but he always finds a way to tell me that his Samsung products are so much better than my Apple ones. I don’t even care, man! I know all the arguments against Apple products but come on, can’t you just let it go for once? We don’t have to have the same conversation every time we meet. I try not to let it get to me but in a way it does.

The repetitiveness is so annoying. I’m not telling him what I think about his kids. Especially my oldest cousin is the laziest person I know which says a lot coming from me, self-proclamied queen of procrastination. Both kids had so many electronic gadgets growing up, I think they overdone it. I keep comparing my cousins to myself. Well, the 90s were a tad different but I saw my mom struggle, there are things I would have liked to have had but I would also never have asked for them because I didn’t want Mom to spend too much money. After all, she was supporting my stupid father. These kids haven’t seen the things I had when I was their age (and my life wasn’t even close to bad as a kid, just not as spoiled) which is probably a good thing but it also taught me modesty in a way. I may be an only child but I’m not that spoiled aside from when it comes to my peculiar eating habits.

The thing is, I constantly feel judged around them. They and especially my uncle, always ask about my thesis and what/where I want to apply for a job after graduation. Like, OMG, I’ve had this conversation so many times now. I get how you’re showing interest in my life but it doesn’t feel right with me. My answers are usually pretty simple. I have some ideas of what I want to do after leaving the university but I won’t tell them because I don’t want my ideas bashed and judged like my choice in computers and smartphones. I have my own process. I figure things out differently than he might does, like writing a blog. My way is not always the fastest but it’s mine and I have to take it. I can’t walk someone else’s road in life. It needs to be my own. I’m my own person.

Like when I told them of my travel plans for the summer it felt like my uncle wanted to say: “Yeah kid, you should just get a job. And oh, that sounds expensive. Are you sure about this? And what do you mean, you will only start looking for a job once your thesis is finished?” He didn’t say any of this but that’s the vibe I got from him. So sorry uncle that my life plan looks so much different from yours. I hate confrontations which is why this post is happening. Ugh, this is me venting in a stupid ass way.

It’s different with my Granny who is more like a second mother to me. We understand each other without words. I may never be told everything but I feel trusted with her. If it weren’t for me, she would have given up on life a while ago. Her words, not mine. Not quite sure if it’s more humbling or scary because I can never live up to be the amazing person I want to be to make her and Mom proud. I’m still trying.

I’ve grown up enough to understand though that there is more than one kind of family. It doesn’t just have to be the one you were born into. You can make your own family, not only by choosing someone to spend your life with but also through surrounding yourself with friends you care about. For example, when I meet up with bestfriendboy’s mother I don’t feel judged. I can talk more openly to her than to my uncle or his wife. She understands like no other what kind of strength last year cost me. I feel understood and valued for who I am and not judged because I happen to have different views on a lot of things.

Then there are the theatre folks. I may not have a lot of contact with any of them outside of theatre but we’re still some sort of family. A big, loud and messy one.

And then there are the true friends you have; the ones who listen to you complaining for hours or can watch FRIENDS with for the 1.5468th time; the ones you can sit in silence with without it getting uncomfortable. They are my real family, not because I was forced on them but because we chose to be in each other’s lives.

I know Granny won’t care that I’m gay even though I still haven’t told her. Never felt like a good time which is a cowards excuse, I know. With my uncle though…not saying he would hate me for it, but it’s something I feel uncomfortable telling him because I’m afraid he would find some way to stomp on my heart for it. Not necessarily with words but in the way I can sense his disapproval of my travel plans. Also, I never get how religious he and his wife truly are and what views they have on homosexuality. I know that I should have told them by now. I need to do it for my own sake because then I can stop thinking about it. Only, how do you steer a conversation there without being like: “Can you pass me the potatoes and btw I like women not men!”? He stopped asking if I had a boyfriend some years ago after I got angry with him for his nosiness so that is not an option for opening this conversation.

I’m not even expecting much from coming out to them. I just want them to know without making a big thing out of it which seems to be irreconcilable to me. Why can’t I just write them an e-mail? I feel so much better in writing than speaking, probably why I’m a blogger.

Look at the time and word count. I’ve rambled on for over 1200 words now and so much for getting to sleep early, maybe reading one or two chapters and then fall into blissful sleep. Good job, way to go me!

Basically, what I was trying to say is, I can love my relatives without being in synch with them I guess. We’re just too similar in some ways and too opposite in others. I just have to make it through 2 meals this weekend without loosing my shit while hopefully finding an opening to come out. And then I can go and have fun with my real family. Thanks for listening to me internet. You’re a true pal.

I’m an old Lady.

26 Feb

Yesterday’s post was more of an “get over your blogging block”-thing. It’s embarrassing how often the general theme of “What’s Next?” comes up on this blog so let’s just forget about yesterday’s quarter life crisis. Instead, let me tell you how old and boring I am am. Well, maybe not exactly boring…just wait and see for yourself.

Last weekend I got to visit two of my closest friends. First I stopped at bestfriendboy’s place on Friday, we went out for cocktails and watched The Nanny because we are just cool like that. On Saturday I commenced on my way to visit my lovely fake-husband Franz whom I haven’t visited since she moved in with her boyfriend almost 2 years ago. Originally I only planned on visiting Franz but as I told bestfriendboy about it, he said I should come stay with him for a night as well because the train goes through his city after all. Getting to the point of this post, I spent two nights on different sorts of guest mattresses and now my stupid, stupid hip hurts and it’s Tuesday evening by now. I’m like my own grandmother! Geez!

As much as I enjoy visiting my friends and I really do do that, I’m also like an old woman who just wants to sleep in her own bed and let nothing disrupt her precious sleep cycle. (Older people don’t need as much sleep, I know, and also my Granny hardly sleeps more than 4 hours each night but damn it, I love my sleep.) Every time I spend at someone else’s place I have a hard time falling asleep, well, it was better this time but still. Afterwards I fall into a hole of “OMG, I didn’t sleep enough last weekend”. It’s just that when I know I’ll have to go back to work/uni/whatever the next day I begin to panic a little because everything is out of order and also I didn’t get to do all my precious procrastination.

I loved seeing my Franzl, we went for Lebanese food with her boyfriend and friends of them and it was really fun. Franz and I sat in the restaurant/bar-thingy and sang along to whatever came on the radio. Not sure if people looked at us strangely but it was a hell of a lot of fun. I didn’t smile so much in ages, my face actually started to hurt. Shut up, that’s a legitimate thing! Visiting bestfriendboy was also good, granted I get to see him more frequently than Franz but spending time together is always a good thing. Also, watching 90s sitcoms is just bliss. The Nanny is freaking hilarious even after having seen it over and over again in the past. It still cracks me up every damn time.

After all the traveling on my weekend and all the beautiful but unhandy snow I stayed home on Monday to catch up with sleep and procrastination. Also, the Oscars. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t mind spending a weekend here or there but the truth is, I do mind. It takes me a while to readjust afterwards. And also, now my hip hurts for the second day in a row and I don’t even recall it ever hurting as much. Usually it goes away faster. Please don’t believe I do not appreciate being provided with an air mattress or other similar thing. This is just me and my stupid body, mainly stupid hip. It’s fantastic to know you’re crashing at somebody’s place and you only have to bring the clothes you want to wear.

Yetta, The Nanny, GIF

Basically I’m Yetta. Just look at how long it takes her to answer the door! I’m old!

(Yes, I just made my very first GIF because I couldn’t find any on Tumblr I could use and then it took me 30 mins to find a way to upload a GIF over 5MB because I didn’t read the upload limits for Tumblr carefully enough.)

Ryan Murphy, We’re Done!

24 Jan

There is a reason behind me watching the shows I watch or have watched in the past. It may be a recommendation by a friend or the internet, an actress I like that is playing a role in it, the fact that my friends talk about it non-stop and I need to watch it so I can talk with them, there being lesbians or non-canon-canon shippable couples or I liked another show from the same creator and so on. The list is endless.

For example, I watched Friends because it’s awesome and it was on TV back in the days when there still were new episodes. And bestfriendboy made me watch Scrubs and I loved that too, so I started watching Cougar Town (that I made bestfriendboy watch and he loved it) which is from the same creator, Bill Lawrence, as Scrubs and stars his real life wife, Christa Miller, who also appeared in both shows. What completes the circle is is Courtney Cox from Friends and now on Cougar Town who also made a little stop on Scrubs. There a many other examples of this but I will spare you the details.

Coming back to why I’m actually writing this, so far, I’ve watched 3 Ryan Murphy shows for various reasons. My first was Glee, it was a sensation when it came out (remember those days? me neither) and lured me in with it’s singing and dancing and sometimes good dialogue, mostly delivered by Sue Sylvester and Santana. Then I watched a part of Nip/Tuck because Portia de Rossi (whom I first saw on Ally McBeal way back in the days) had a story arc playing a lesbian and because it’s Portia. And last but not least, there is American Horror Story Asylum which I watched for Clea DuVall and Sarah Paulson being lesbians and the amazingness that is Sarah Paulson whom I loved on Studio 60.

Aside from being all created by Ryan Murphy these shows share another trait, their very short expiration date.

Glee lost it’s appeal to me halfway through season 2 and is now unbearable. When they have the New!Rachel, I think her name is Marley, convinced that she is too fat thus giving her anorexia and bulimia things are not ok with me. Also, Sue lost her bite, Santana had to graduate, move away and break up with Brittany. Kurt and Blaine broke up because things got stupid and don’t even get me started on Mr. Schue. Murphy basically recycled the characters that graduated at the end of season 3 and substituted them with new actors and new names, not much more. Except for Santana, as far as I know, there is no New!Santana as she is impossible to replace but it also makes me sad.

I don’t know much about Nip/Tuck, only that I was glad when I was finally through with Portia’s episodes because that show was really crazy and not my type of show. The few, around 10-ish, episodes I watched started out rather good but ended terribly. It felt like everyone slept with everyone at least once up to the point where it got even worse than Grey’s Anatomy. Bestfriendboy watched season 1 and 2 last summer even though I strongly advised him not to and after he was through he told me I was right.

And then there is my current Murphy nightmare, American Horror Story Asylum. It started out scary, what I of course expected and was ok with. But, and there’s a big BUT, the way the show turned out to be, is just a big NO! NONONONONONOOOOOOOO!! Sure it has some good scenes, the actors are fantastic but the horrors of a 1960s mental institution run by the Catholic Church combined with women abducting and impregnating aliens is just too much for me. One or the other I could have gone with but both combined was just a weird clusterfuck of craziness. I mean, how hard is it to choose one? For me, the alien part was completely unnecessary, the writers should better have focused on one of those things instead of both. Oh, and then there was also the ex-Nazi doc now doing weird experiments with the helpless inmates of the Asylum essentially turning them into zombies, a serial killer hidden as the harmless looking psychiatrist and the devil taking over the soul and body of a helpless nun. All of that in just 13 short episodes.

Actually I was ok with AHSAsylum until the second to last episode. The characters, mostly that of Sarah Paulson, started to act so out of character it was unbearable. After watching the season finale I’m a bit more gracious towards AHS because that was a great episode all in all but it makes its predecessor stand out even more. There was not a lot in it that was needed and it hurt more than it helped. I cannot shake the feeling of it being a filler-episode but whatever.

Lana Winters, aka Sara Paulson’s character, was back to her sassy self, I might say the best one she ever was and it is congruent with how she acted throughout the season except that dreadful episode. The alien-storyline still left me kind of baffled. It was never fully explained and I truly do not understand why it was necessary at all to be included.

Still, even after having reconciled with AHSAsylum, I’m still done with all Ryan Murphy shows. He may tease me with fantastic actresses, such as Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson, lesbians and singing but I made a decision not to give him another chance. I just reached the point where the good bits don’t outweigh the bad ones and that is that. I walk away from Murphy’s shows and I am fine.

<\end rant>

A Weekend Away

11 Dec

Last weekend I went to Frankfurt to have a little reunion with my german corridor mates from Sweden. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen SB and one and a half years since I saw IM and it was great to finally meet again.

The reason we haven’t seen each other in such a long time is that they both used to live in south Germany and I am more located in the middle. Travelling there for just a night meant a long time spent on a train or in a car for me and also I couldn’t leave Mom alone. But thankfully, IM relocated to Frankfurt this year for her Master’s program which is not quite the middle between SB and myself but as close as we will get.

I hadn’t been to Frankfurt before, not really unless you count visiting the airport or central train station that is. Saturday was a beautiful day, it had snowed the night before, the sun was shining and it was the right amount of cold (about -3°C) for  walking around the city. We went up the top of the Main Tower and had a fantastic view of the city and its surroundings. We visited the christmas market, drank Glühwein, walked along the river Main, did some shopping (just a teeny tiny bit) and went home to eat and play Trivial Pursuit. On Sunday  morning we stayed in since it was snowing again and didn’t look nice outside. We ate and talked some more until we had to leave.

Everything looks so good in sunshine and covered with snow!

Everything looks so good in sunshine and covered with snow!

Of course we could have done a lot of sightseeing (I guess ?!) but what we really wanted to do was see each other again and that part was perfect. We got to catch up and it was like we picked right up from where we left off about two years ago. This makes me happy, knowing that it doesn’t matter how much time passes, we still enjoy spending time with each other. I can only hope it won’t take us this long until our next meeting.

Frankfurt Skyline and Main

Frankfurt Skyline and Main

Both of them were a big part of my life in Sweden, we will always share that. Together with my trip to Canada in August I now have successfully reunited with all three of my important german friends from Sweden which makes me all happy inside.

Hmm, so this post didn’t turn out as I expected it would, I thought I had more to say but whatever. This is what you get ;)

How was your weekend? Did you spend it with friends or family?

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