Tag Archives: Choices

something that is mine

30 Aug

I’m currently in a stupid situation where the job I really, really, REALLY want is dangling right in front of my nose but I haven’t heard back yet even though it’s the end of the month now and the decision was supposed to be made around this time. I am just going to assume it means I didn’t get it. However, it would have been nice to be put out of my misery by now so I can move on because right now there is still this slight little possibility nagging in the back of my mind that I could get it. Ugh, make it stop. This is not the actual topic for today’s post though, here it comes.

I’ve been thinking about moving my blog from wordpress.com to  wordpress.org for most of 2013. While I enjoy the hosted version very much I don’t use it as such. I already have more subscriptions to other blogs than I can read on a regular basis, I long-since stopped checking out the Featured Blogger site and barely scroll through the tags pages to find new blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I have met a great bunch of bloggers that way but I haven’t felt the need to find new ones which is probably a reason why I don’t get a lot of hits. Another thing is that even though I almost have 200 followers, only a minimal number of them visit or comment on here. Lots of bloggers I connected with have stopped blogging or are on indefinite hiatus which of course makes me sad but is something I can relate to. In the beginning I only followed people whose blogs were on wordpress.com because it was easier, keeping in touch with them, the whole comment system and everything. Over time, I started following all different kinds of blogs, some on Blogger, some self-hosted which has made me feel like a caged animal wanting to break out.

This blog is my little part of the internet that is me and for unbeknownst reasons I’d like to make it even more of mine, I want to lose the .wordpress.com part of my URL for one thing. Also, I don’t like my URL too much because it’s looong. All my other handles on social media sites are much shorter and I like the idea of having them all match so I want this one to be in the WillieSun-club as well.

The problem is that I have no idea where this blog is going, I make it up as I go along (as if you couldn’t tell that already). It feels though as if I got everything out if this site that I possibly could. I want to expand my knowledge, have more influence on the design of my blog and such. I want more possibilities!

Until now I haven’t made a definite decision but it’s probably coming. When I have a steady income, I’ll move onto wordpress.org. And see, this brings me back to the beginning of this post, isn’t it nice how it all fits together? If I had a steady income now, I’d probably think about this step less and actually do it but it feels irresponsible at the moment. I just want something that is mine…

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Life post Graduation

14 Jul

I am officially done with my degree in industrial engineering now even though I will stay enrolled until the end of term for insurance and pension reasons. Alas, this means I will have to find a job but I still have no idea what I want to do. Sure, I’d love to work for ESA the European Space Agency but that sounds highly unlikely. I would also love to write a book (lol, I know) or get paid for watching TV but those are all not very realistic scenarios.

My options are not limitless or better so, I am limiting myself by region. This is something I never thought I would do but things have changed and I have to adapt. I have a house to think of. Of course I could rent it out but that would mean cleaning it out first, and it is full of mine and Mom’s entire life. I have more stuff that I care to have but that doesn’t mean I can easily get rid of these things either. Also, getting a decent tenant is not the easiest thing these days. You can get lucky, sure, but you can also end up with hoarders that more or less destroy your beautiful house. I am just not ready for that. I am not. I cannot pack my things and move on from here, I wish I could but it’s not just the house, it’s other things as well. There is my Grandma and the theatre that I love being a part of and don’t completely want to give up.

And honestly, at this point, I don’t care about going out into the world. I know I should. I am young, this is the time to do it, yada yada yada. I just don’t feel it, okay?! I want to go on long holidays like last year, maybe own a summerhouse by some gorgeous lake in southern Sweden but I don’t need to flee this country right now. No matter where you live, it’s never perfect so I’ll stay here for a while. Where I know what to expect and am integrated into the community.

Last month I met with my godmother, she lives in Berlin with her husband and our little city naturally was too small for them. Of course it was. Of course. I get it, you live in the capital, that’s awesome, I like the city very much but I don’t feel too limited where I am just now, thank you. Frankfurt and Cologne are not that far away and until American Eagle opens a store anywhere in Germany, it doesn’t really matter where I am as I found Marshmallow fluff in the grocery store. What more could I possibly want? – Ahoi chewy chocolate chip cookies, thanks for asking.

Despite my high flying dreams of what I would like to do, I will try and downsize it a lot, go for a big local company and see if they will hire me. There I can get a start, see if I am really as terrible at anything else aside from TV watching or not. Maybe I will even find something that makes me almost happy and I can deal with my emotional and stuffy baggage then. This sounds reasonably which means I will have to learn how to write applications and do job interviews now. After all, this is the first time in my life I am out of the educational system and without a specific plan for the future.

Families – Given and Chosen Ones

30 Mar

My family is pretty small, it consists of my Gran, uncle, aunt, their two kids and me. As this weekend celebrates Easter, they came to visit their families. I love them, I really do, but at the same time I feel weird around my uncle and his family especially without my grandma who’s in the hospital. I tend to get along better with his wife than with him even though he is my blood relative. The fact that he even managed to find a decent wife is beyond me because while I like him, he is a nerd of the worst kind and I couldn’t stand being married to him.

It probably has something to do with the fact that he and I are two opposites of the same coin. We’re both know-it-alls, science geeks and so on. He is Microsoft all the way while I swing both ways. I prefer having a Windows desktop PC and a Macbook to carry around with me. I have an iPhone, he has some unnaturally big Android phone-almost tablet. And there starts one of my biggest problems with him. He constantly has to bash my Apple products. I never bring it up but he always finds a way to tell me that his Samsung products are so much better than my Apple ones. I don’t even care, man! I know all the arguments against Apple products but come on, can’t you just let it go for once? We don’t have to have the same conversation every time we meet. I try not to let it get to me but in a way it does.

The repetitiveness is so annoying. I’m not telling him what I think about his kids. Especially my oldest cousin is the laziest person I know which says a lot coming from me, self-proclamied queen of procrastination. Both kids had so many electronic gadgets growing up, I think they overdone it. I keep comparing my cousins to myself. Well, the 90s were a tad different but I saw my mom struggle, there are things I would have liked to have had but I would also never have asked for them because I didn’t want Mom to spend too much money. After all, she was supporting my stupid father. These kids haven’t seen the things I had when I was their age (and my life wasn’t even close to bad as a kid, just not as spoiled) which is probably a good thing but it also taught me modesty in a way. I may be an only child but I’m not that spoiled aside from when it comes to my peculiar eating habits.

The thing is, I constantly feel judged around them. They and especially my uncle, always ask about my thesis and what/where I want to apply for a job after graduation. Like, OMG, I’ve had this conversation so many times now. I get how you’re showing interest in my life but it doesn’t feel right with me. My answers are usually pretty simple. I have some ideas of what I want to do after leaving the university but I won’t tell them because I don’t want my ideas bashed and judged like my choice in computers and smartphones. I have my own process. I figure things out differently than he might does, like writing a blog. My way is not always the fastest but it’s mine and I have to take it. I can’t walk someone else’s road in life. It needs to be my own. I’m my own person.

Like when I told them of my travel plans for the summer it felt like my uncle wanted to say: “Yeah kid, you should just get a job. And oh, that sounds expensive. Are you sure about this? And what do you mean, you will only start looking for a job once your thesis is finished?” He didn’t say any of this but that’s the vibe I got from him. So sorry uncle that my life plan looks so much different from yours. I hate confrontations which is why this post is happening. Ugh, this is me venting in a stupid ass way.

It’s different with my Granny who is more like a second mother to me. We understand each other without words. I may never be told everything but I feel trusted with her. If it weren’t for me, she would have given up on life a while ago. Her words, not mine. Not quite sure if it’s more humbling or scary because I can never live up to be the amazing person I want to be to make her and Mom proud. I’m still trying.

I’ve grown up enough to understand though that there is more than one kind of family. It doesn’t just have to be the one you were born into. You can make your own family, not only by choosing someone to spend your life with but also through surrounding yourself with friends you care about. For example, when I meet up with bestfriendboy’s mother I don’t feel judged. I can talk more openly to her than to my uncle or his wife. She understands like no other what kind of strength last year cost me. I feel understood and valued for who I am and not judged because I happen to have different views on a lot of things.

Then there are the theatre folks. I may not have a lot of contact with any of them outside of theatre but we’re still some sort of family. A big, loud and messy one.

And then there are the true friends you have; the ones who listen to you complaining for hours or can watch FRIENDS with for the 1.5468th time; the ones you can sit in silence with without it getting uncomfortable. They are my real family, not because I was forced on them but because we chose to be in each other’s lives.

I know Granny won’t care that I’m gay even though I still haven’t told her. Never felt like a good time which is a cowards excuse, I know. With my uncle though…not saying he would hate me for it, but it’s something I feel uncomfortable telling him because I’m afraid he would find some way to stomp on my heart for it. Not necessarily with words but in the way I can sense his disapproval of my travel plans. Also, I never get how religious he and his wife truly are and what views they have on homosexuality. I know that I should have told them by now. I need to do it for my own sake because then I can stop thinking about it. Only, how do you steer a conversation there without being like: “Can you pass me the potatoes and btw I like women not men!”? He stopped asking if I had a boyfriend some years ago after I got angry with him for his nosiness so that is not an option for opening this conversation.

I’m not even expecting much from coming out to them. I just want them to know without making a big thing out of it which seems to be irreconcilable to me. Why can’t I just write them an e-mail? I feel so much better in writing than speaking, probably why I’m a blogger.

Look at the time and word count. I’ve rambled on for over 1200 words now and so much for getting to sleep early, maybe reading one or two chapters and then fall into blissful sleep. Good job, way to go me!

Basically, what I was trying to say is, I can love my relatives without being in synch with them I guess. We’re just too similar in some ways and too opposite in others. I just have to make it through 2 meals this weekend without loosing my shit while hopefully finding an opening to come out. And then I can go and have fun with my real family. Thanks for listening to me internet. You’re a true pal.

Internalizing Thruths

22 Mar

I’m an awful liar aside from the little white lies I may be using to get out of whatever kind of event you invited me to because I’d much rather sit at home in my pyjamas and watch TV, thank you. Other than that though, I suck at this as I most recently was reminded of again while I was selling Mom’s car. However I am good at lying to myself; this blog is in some part a testament to this.

I didn’t want to be gay so I tuned out what every part of my being yelled at me and moved on until I was ready to accept this truth about myself and since then I came around full circle; I couldn’t be happier about that but I regret the time it took me to get here. There are still other parts of me under heavy construction though. Well, I will always be a work in progress and so is everybody else. As our lives change, so do we with them; we adapt and move on. This is a good thing. It would be atrocious if we ever stayed the same person; same as we were when we were 15 or 7 or…you get the picture. The circumstances of our lives deeply influence who we become as a person.

The last year may have almost broken me but it didn’t because I am strong, I may struggle with things but I can also keep my head above water even if it’s just barely. This is important to know. I’m strong and not afraid to be alone but that last part is a lie. Many post can tell you so because I do mind  being unattached even if it’s stupid. Even if it’s stupid and I know better! I’ve had my problems with this for years, many years!

I used to (and to some extend still do) believe that I’d be happier, more successful, not as lazy, a better person…if I’d:

  • loose wait
  • looked better
  • fell in love
  • finished a certain task (mostly uni related)
  • and many more things I can’t even remember right now.

The truth is, nothing falls magically into place just because one little unimportant thing changes. That’s not how life works because happiness comes from within! If I loose 5 kilos it would be nice, of course, but it wouldn’t mean I will know for what job I’m going to apply in June or when/where/if I meet the love of my life. I’ll probably still be as insecure in a lot of ways as I am now. It doesn’t make me get my shit together any more than not loosing weight, growing long hair etc.

Usually, things don’t magically fall into place, opportunities arise and you take them if you’re lucky, but constantly looking for what you think is missing, is bad and not helpful. The thing is, I knew that all along. This is not news to me, not at all but I never internalized this truth, never accepted it. Still haven’t done so completely. So this is where the heavy construction is currently located; trying to make myself believe the things I know to be true.

I am good enough! I don’t need anyone to define my life for me! I love myself (most days, because sometimes even I find myself annoying)! I am strong! I am extraordinary because I’ve been weak but also know my way out of a hole! I am not alone!

(I could not not include this scene from one of my all-time favourite shows and I didn’t just spend what felt like eternity on tumblr to find these gifs. Here’s also the link to the full scene as I only took a couple of lines from it.)

If I don’t learn to internalize the things I know I will get lost in misery faster than I can switch on the light and the darkness of my thoughts would swallow me whole. I know that because I’ve got close to it until I couldn’t take the sadness anymore. Being sad is exhausting, I’d much rather be happy which is what I’m trying to be. Happy and at ease with myself. I’m already doing better, I know as much even though the last two weeks were weird and set me back a bit.

I’ve been lying or at least not listening to myself for far too long and it’s time to stop it. I’m on my way and I can only hope that this serves as a reminder for when I am not as confident with my abilities and emotions as I want to be, should be. There will always be truths I know but don’t have accepted yet, I suppose. This shaping of a human into someone I am proud of will always be an ongoing process. Not saying I’m not proud or happy with myself now, only that there is still room for improvement. There always is.

Thank you, Doctor!

Internships & Work

11 Mar

The end of May is getting closer by the day and do you know what this means? I will have to become a decent, working member of society. No more hiding behind the veil of academia; this little blogger will have to get a real job. And it terrifies me!

It’s not as if I never worked in my life. I’ve did part-time jobs since I was 15. For my degree I had to do 26 weeks of internships in various departments and most of them sucked. Some of them were interesting, like the more hands-on work I got to do early in my degree, actually working in a factory. I learned a lot during those 6 weeks but I was also glad when it was over no matter how much I enjoyed welding. It’s just so cool, you put on the mask, concentrate on your work and it’s like the world tunes out. I don’t hear the noise around me anymore and only after I finish I realise how much time has elapsed. I love that feeling and you know, melting metal together. After that I did a 5-week stint in a steel mill. Fascinating but boring when you are not allowed to do anything but look for five weeks while still having to be at work at 6 am every morning.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Making steel is crazily amazing!

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

And hot and scary!

After that came the office internships and some of them were good or at least parts of them were. Especially the last 7 week stint in accounting department was awful though. I barely learned anything and was mostly unemployed during the time because the department “only” knew for a couple of months that and when I was coming so they had nothing to do for me or teach me much. Ugh! I hated it, and not only because accounting is boring in my opinion.

The other day I realised why I hated those internships or better when. I don’t like idle time! BOOM! This is the little secret to why I hate working, not knowing what to do next and let’s be honest. When you’re an intern, you are dependent on other people telling you what to do, giving you tasks because you’re only there for a limited period of time. I may have been bored drilling hole after hole in the little metal pieces but at least I was doing something. I dreaded the moment when I got to the bottom of the bucket though and I had to tell my supervisor that I finished yet another task and he had to think of something new for me.

Same goes for me thesis. I dislike the days I know by the time my alarm clock rings that I don’t know what to work on because I’m finished with whatever I was doing last. I like being challenged (this is a revelation to me), having to think about actual, solvable problems; turning them over in my head until I find a solution. I love juggling variables, trying to make sense of whatever the equations tell me. This is precisely why I have struggled with the final courses of my degree so much because after the first 2 years, there started to be much more business classes and they were not full of wonderful math but memorising 300+ power point slides full of nonsense I doubt are actually useful after graduation (not that I can remember any of it anyways).

Don't mind this is in German, it just serves as an example for what I'm bad at doing: Memorising tables of boring 'facts'.

Don’t mind this is in German, it just serves as an example for what I’m bad at doing: Memorising tables of boring ‘facts’ for 320 slides.

As much as I enjoy watching all the TV shows and procrastinating procrastination, it’s also not enough for me. I like having my mind occupied with other things beside my emotional well-being and how much I love a certain actress or whatnot. I don’t like idle time when I know I need to be working.

This is what actually scares me about getting a job. That I will not know what I have to do next, that the little things I learned at uni aren’t enough for a real job because I forgot so much. Just the other day I had to look up how to do a partial derivation on Wikipedia because I wasn’t sure how to do it anymore. I have a couple of small ideas where I want to work that I don’t tell anyone about when they ask me what I want to do after finishing university because I don’t want anyone raining on my parade. I need to keep them to myself until I know it works for me or not. So I actually appear more clueless around friends and family than I truly am. Ha! Never thought that would happen.

I am ready to move on from studying when just 6 months ago I wasn’t. I’m also fairly certain I won’t be doing a PhD. It would be nice, I could stay at uni a bit longer and doing research interests me highly but the thought of dealing with students and supervising their work just doesn’t do it for me. No matter how much I want to prove to myself that I am as good as my uncle with his PhD in Physics. I want and need some change, as terrifying as that is, I need to move on to something else. Something with numbers and variables because it’s the ultimate language I am always able to understand (until it’s rotary current or fluid dynamics :D)

The Here and Now

25 Feb

I was always full of plans. Plans of what I wanted to do once I got to a certain age, or after graduating high school/university but then Mom got sick and there was no time for making plans anymore. Yes, I will blame cancer for it even if it wasn’t my own sickness but that of my Mom because along with her, I lost my plan-making abilities.

There is no study abroad program to look forward to, no feeling of freedom that comes along with finishing high school and starting my studies. I should be looking forward to graduating university  but for some reason I am not. I’m out of life-plans at the moment and it makes me uncomfortable. It’s scary even. I try to look into my future and I see nothing. Everything is blank and I’m left in the here and now having to figure out where I want to go without an idea how to do so.

Sometimes I get a sliver of hope, I see a little light as an idea of a plan brushes the outskirts of my mind and as I try to get closer to it, to put my finger on it, it vanishes never to be seen again. And I’m again none the wiser.

I have no real clue what to do with my degree, sure, it won’t be too difficult to find a job once I’m done with my studies but I feel like I have to make this HUGE decision and I don’t know how to. I’m pulled into too many directions at once.

I want to live abroad but I don’t want to leave my home, mostly because of the theatre. I can’t imagine not being some part of a play each year anymore.

I want a PhD because my uncle has one but I don’t know if that’s the only reason I want it, just to prove myself that he’s not the only smart one in the family. 

I want to work and make money but I can’t think of a career that doesn’t make me want to cry every day.

And yes, damn it, I want to write. I want to act, to sing. But I’m afraid of taking risks. Better do something more substantial and starve my creativity because then at least I know I’ll have something to eat and pay the bills with.

Maybe I’m asking too much when I think about having a job that fulfils me, maybe I’m wrong in my assessment that every job I can think of will be the death of my soul because my last internships were so awful. I feel like I learnt nothing at uni and that when I will apply for jobs, they will see that – know how stupid I am.

As a kid I wanted to be a detective and I’m sorry I didn’t apply for the police academy. I’m sorry for a lot of things I didn’t follow through with because I felt the need to let grown ups decide my future for me. How I got into studying Industrial Engineering? Because a friend of my Mom suggested that I’d be good at it. Not saying I don’t like it, some parts I really do, I just feel so ill-equipped to conquer the working world now that I’ve reached the end of this plan. I am most likely standing in my own way right now. I do that sometimes. I just don’t understand how to step aside and let me walk past myself.

So here I am. Again (because this is not the first post with this general theme). Instead of trying to settle my emotions and figuring out what I want to do next I’m cranking up the procrastination as high as possible in order to avoid dealing with anything. I went from the girl who lived in the future to the girl without a plan. Hello quarter-life crisis! Will you go away if I try to ignore you real hard?

Let me tell you, it doesn’t. I’ve been avoiding dealing with so many things for the past 12 months and nothing has sorted itself out. I watched a crazy amount of TV shows and read a lot – hiding out in fiction universes. I’ve changed my life completely and than not at all at the same time. ARGH, this is all not making a lot of sense and I came on here wanting to write about how I’m finally sick of winter and snow and then this mess happened. But really, I need more sunshine for my head to stop being all depressing and blergh.

 

Happy and Exciting Feels

9 Nov

I could say I’m sorry to be double-posting today but I’m not sorry so forget I said anything and let’s move on.

Exciting times lie ahead for this little blogger as I will start to work on my thesis on Monday!! Finally I’ll be doing something useful again instead of procrastinating while avoiding most stuff. My thesis will be on wind turbines. I have to re-write a program in Matlab and find an optimal characteristic curve for the small turbine on top of our department building.

I’m equal parts scared and excited but in a really good way. I haven’t heard a lot of lectures on the subject and haven’t done any programming in years or done real math with integrals and derivations either. But I’m optimistic that I’ll get into the matter and be able to understand what I’m doing. After all I survived 2 years of AP physics and math so why shouldn’t it work out? Right?!!

And really? After watching American Horror Story Asylum lately, not much truly scares me unless you throw me into a 1960s mental institution against my will, try to turn me into a zombie and throw creepy aliens into the mix as well.

This thesis is not what I originally wanted to do. I wanted to get a topic in the human factors engineering department again but since I already wrote my student research project with them it’s better to diversify my expertise and write my thesis somewhere else. I believe this to be the right fit for me even though it will be a lot of work and hopefully I am indeed equipped to handle all of it. My adviser seems nice so that’s a plus. At the moment I think this is the right decision, I can only hope I feel the same way in a month.

My insights are filled with all kinds of happy feelings which is awesome. Tonight I’ll be seeing a friend again who I haven’t seen in months! And some others that I haven’t seen in an even longer time span but I’m just really excited for friend #1. The others are just a bonus.

What’s going on with you guys? TGIF? I know I am even though this week flew by way too quickly.

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