Tag Archives: Cancer

Where Can I Reset My Dream RAM?

15 Mar

I’m used to dreaming a lot of rubbish and watching Doctor Who is not always helping my dreams being more realistic these days. For instance, I recently dreamed I was the Tenth Doctor and dressed as a waiter on some weird space-ship. I don’t remember what else was happening because after I got back to sleep my memory started to fade away and the next time I woke up again I had the Alanis Morissette song I listened to the night before stuck in my head.

It’s also not new to have one dream element recurring over and over again; it usually happens before exam periods where I cannot move fast enough while I’m chased by murderers. Lately though, there is one recurring element I could do much without and I don’t exactly know why it’s there or when it will leave again. I’m dreaming of my dead Mom only that she is not dead anymore. SAY WHUT??

Yep, she is alive but not in the good before-cancer way, more like cancer-free but still as helpless as with cancer. In those dreams I know she is dead and then she comes back and I again have to take care of her. It’s not scary in a “OMG my dead mother is still alive” kind of way but more of an annoying “OMG again with the taking care thing?”. I don’t wake up screaming because for a moment I thought her death was all a dream, no. My subconscious is always aware of her death. I’m actually glad to wake up because I know it was only a dream, that I won’t have to relive my worst days.

I don’t know a lot about dreams, I never had psychology classes or stuff like that. Nevertheless I believe to have a good grip on myself except for that one time but this, I don’t get just yet. Maybe it will leave me again soon but as I don’t understand where it came from, I will not know how to get rid of it. Stress dreams disappear once the source of the stress is gone but with this? I can only wonder if it has to do with my anger loosening even though that hardly makes sense to me.

As I write this I see multi-coloured particle clouds rising to the sky as a visualisation of feelings moving on. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make any sense at all. I probably watched way too much Doctor Who in addition to not even being able to adequately describe what I see. Maybe my memory is regenerating?! Ok, I’m just gonna stop here hoping that putting thoughts to paper will get rid of them. It usually does. If not, I’ll be stuck with these weird dreams for a while longer as much as I could do without them.

Claws of my Heart

8 Mar

My heart – or better a part of my heart –  has been so tight in recent months, caught in anger that it wasn’t able to process any other feelings. Anger towards a disease science has yet to find a cure for; anger at the person having said illness. It’s been almost six months since Mom’s passing away and only now am I finally feeling the grip of that anger lessen, making it not easier but harder to remember her.

In the last year, I started hating her, yes, actually hating my own mother; hating her for getting sick and being an impossible patient; for making my life miserable and hard; but mostly for reversing our roles. It was all so messed up, I was trying to hold myself together as best as I could while trying to take her to all those doctor’s appointments, making sure she took her meds, ate, didn’t burn down the house, had enough money in her bank account. Those were not my responsibilities, they were hers, she was the mother but I was taking care of her. And I hated it. As her cancer progressed, so did my hatred for her until she died and I was relieved of the never-ending worries of how and when. I was actually glad.

It meant that I could finally breathe again, lick my wounds and start to heal. The months before, I was barely holding on, I was overwhelmed with everything, mostly because I didn’t see it ever changing. A sea of misery and I was in the middle of it, holding on to the smallest piece of wood possible while wave after wave was trying to swallow me whole. I am not sorry for hating her as I know I didn’t hate the actual person but the character her cancer turned her into but it has taken me all these months to actually – finally – miss her because I was still so caught up in my anger.

Now the memories of “patient mom” are fading away and instead the “just mom” sentiments are resurfacing. This sweet, lovely woman that was always trying to give me everything I could possibly want and I am finally missing her. Only, it hurts! FEELINGS ARE THE WORST!

This realisation dawned upon on me earlier today as I was at the university when the thought of a Mom-hug popped into my head out of the blue. I didn’t want a hug but just remembering that I will never be hugged like that again made my eyes fill with tears. Mom-hugs are these special kind of hugs that are filled with unconditional love and an edge of everything-will-turn-out-right-in-the-end that only a parent, but especially a mother, can give. Stupid feelings, I couldn’t start ugly sobbing right then and there in an office with 4 guys. I tried to push those emotions back down but was not successful at it. So I left earlier than I had planned for today because I needed to process these feelings. Holding stuff back only comes back to bite one in the ass and I was not gonna do that. This is me processing because I have feelings and I don’t know where to put them – so I write them down. My answer to everything. Keep on writing.

The Here and Now

25 Feb

I was always full of plans. Plans of what I wanted to do once I got to a certain age, or after graduating high school/university but then Mom got sick and there was no time for making plans anymore. Yes, I will blame cancer for it even if it wasn’t my own sickness but that of my Mom because along with her, I lost my plan-making abilities.

There is no study abroad program to look forward to, no feeling of freedom that comes along with finishing high school and starting my studies. I should be looking forward to graduating university  but for some reason I am not. I’m out of life-plans at the moment and it makes me uncomfortable. It’s scary even. I try to look into my future and I see nothing. Everything is blank and I’m left in the here and now having to figure out where I want to go without an idea how to do so.

Sometimes I get a sliver of hope, I see a little light as an idea of a plan brushes the outskirts of my mind and as I try to get closer to it, to put my finger on it, it vanishes never to be seen again. And I’m again none the wiser.

I have no real clue what to do with my degree, sure, it won’t be too difficult to find a job once I’m done with my studies but I feel like I have to make this HUGE decision and I don’t know how to. I’m pulled into too many directions at once.

I want to live abroad but I don’t want to leave my home, mostly because of the theatre. I can’t imagine not being some part of a play each year anymore.

I want a PhD because my uncle has one but I don’t know if that’s the only reason I want it, just to prove myself that he’s not the only smart one in the family. 

I want to work and make money but I can’t think of a career that doesn’t make me want to cry every day.

And yes, damn it, I want to write. I want to act, to sing. But I’m afraid of taking risks. Better do something more substantial and starve my creativity because then at least I know I’ll have something to eat and pay the bills with.

Maybe I’m asking too much when I think about having a job that fulfils me, maybe I’m wrong in my assessment that every job I can think of will be the death of my soul because my last internships were so awful. I feel like I learnt nothing at uni and that when I will apply for jobs, they will see that – know how stupid I am.

As a kid I wanted to be a detective and I’m sorry I didn’t apply for the police academy. I’m sorry for a lot of things I didn’t follow through with because I felt the need to let grown ups decide my future for me. How I got into studying Industrial Engineering? Because a friend of my Mom suggested that I’d be good at it. Not saying I don’t like it, some parts I really do, I just feel so ill-equipped to conquer the working world now that I’ve reached the end of this plan. I am most likely standing in my own way right now. I do that sometimes. I just don’t understand how to step aside and let me walk past myself.

So here I am. Again (because this is not the first post with this general theme). Instead of trying to settle my emotions and figuring out what I want to do next I’m cranking up the procrastination as high as possible in order to avoid dealing with anything. I went from the girl who lived in the future to the girl without a plan. Hello quarter-life crisis! Will you go away if I try to ignore you real hard?

Let me tell you, it doesn’t. I’ve been avoiding dealing with so many things for the past 12 months and nothing has sorted itself out. I watched a crazy amount of TV shows and read a lot – hiding out in fiction universes. I’ve changed my life completely and than not at all at the same time. ARGH, this is all not making a lot of sense and I came on here wanting to write about how I’m finally sick of winter and snow and then this mess happened. But really, I need more sunshine for my head to stop being all depressing and blergh.

 

30 Days of Books – Day 25

25 Nov

A character you can relate to the most

Previously: A book that you wish more people would have read

The character I can identify with the most is Maeve Conelly from The Good Luck Girl/ Leaving Unknown by Kerry Reichs. I talked about how much I love this book before and before *smiles* and that is mostly because of the main character.

Maeve battled leukemia and somehow during chemotherapy, getting better and  relapsing she lost herself. She graduated college but had no clue what to do with her degree, instead she was living over her budget avoiding serious business, being a hypochondriac and avoiding responsibility until her parents cut her off. She decides to move to LA for a fresh start. To do so, she drives her car across America and when it breaks down in a place called Unknown Arizona, she has to wait for the mechanic to come back and earn the money to pay for the repairs.

The only thing she thinks she is good at is running, whenever a situation is too much for her, she puts on her shoes and runs until she feels better. She is also a book nerd and loves colourful knee socks. This feels all too familiar, granted I haven’t battled cancer myself but been there while Mom did and lost. I know the feeling when all you want to do is run until your muscles burn and you’re just not thinking anymore. I need my runs in order to be a balanced human being and keeping my temper in check when life gets especially stressful. I also love books and socks, mostly striped socks but in general all that are fun and bright.

There were times I felt lost, I still don’t know what I will do in 6 months after I graduate form university so yeah, Maeve Connelly is my spirit animal. But I think I could do worse because in the end, she sees herself for the amazing person she really is and learns to deal with her survivors guilt.

Next: A book that changed your opinion about something

It’s been two days

16 Sep

It’s been two days now since my Mom passed away. I honestly don’t know how I feel about it except that I don’t really feel sad. I cried when I got THE call and the next morning I went to see my gran but after that I haven’t.

Everything happened so fast. Thursday I came back from my vacation and on the car-ride home from the aiport I called my gran since I hadn’t talked to her in a week (because my stupid phone decided to throw a temper tantrum ever after I left Ottawa) and she told me to come see my mom that day. I hadn’t planned to do so. All I wanted to do was go to sleep since I’d been up for 24 hours. Nevertheless I got into my car and drove to the hospice my mom was relocated to earlier that day.

She looked worse than when I left 3 weeks prior but I expected that. My best friend who picked me up from the airport had already told me that he believed my mom was only waiting to see me again before she could let go. As it turned out, that’s exactly what happened. So I went to the hospice and she was still awake. I briefly talked to her but she was confused a lot. When I tried to make her look at me, she only looked past me with empty eyes. It was a short visit of under an hour but I promised to come back the next day. All I could think about was going to sleep, and so I did. Slept for 12 hours before I got a call from the nurse at the hospice telling me Mom’s condition had worsened considerably during the night. I told them I’d come by later since I had some things I needed to take care of before. But I called my gran who went there immediately.

I got there around 9 am and she was unconscious, just getting another dose of morphine to calm her down and keep her of pain. It was so tough to look at her like that. Both the nurse and my gran (she’s seen a lot of people die, too many by now) informed me that it won’t be long now and they were right. Shorty before 10 pm the same day she passed away. I had only left her 1 1/2 hours earlier as my gran had settled in at her bedside for the night. I needed to go to sleep again since I’m still jet lagged. I was already asleep when Gran called to inform me. I asked if I needed to come down there but was relieved when I needn’t to.

And like that I became and orphan. Well, technically I’m not but since I don’t know where my father is and I haven’t even seen him in years, it feels like it. He’s nothing more than a sperm donor to me. My small family got even smaller. But at least I was granted one wish, that the day of mom’s death won’t be the same as the birthday of my best friend.

I could beat myself up for not feeling more sad at the moment but that would be stupid, I guess. Maybe my head is still in vacation mode and it will probably take a while until my consciousness will have caught up with reality but I also know that it’s better for all of us this way. She wouldn’t have recovered from that type of cancer, nobody ever does. I couldn’t have taken her home again because the last weeks before my vacation had taught me that I couldn’t take care of her anymore by myself. And my granny was/ still is taking it the hardest. She was alone with her the last three weeks as I got to go away. She’s been in emotional pain for a long while now but also in physical pain since she desperately needs an operation to at least relieve her of some of the pain in her knee. She can hardly walk anymore because of it but put everything on hold as Mom got progressively worse. Now we can all begin to heal again. Slowly.

My body’s been shaking since I started typing this post but there aren’t any tears left. I’m all cried out from months upon months of desperation, not knowing when and how it would end. The day Mom left for good I was so calm, so damn calm. I only cried when Gran was sitting next to her, holding her hand saying a prayer. My family is not the most religious bunch especially not my Mom but since she was unconscious it was more for my Gran. She needed it! And it was heartbreaking only my heart had already been broken a long while ago. It’s different to loose a parent, it’s the normal cycle of life but loosing your child is so much more wrong! So much more! It pains me to see Gran so sad.

The funeral is already arranged and will be next saturday so my cousins won’t need to be kept out of school a they have to get here from the south. We only have to pick a tree since she won’t be buried in a typical grave. I don’t care for graves and can’t predict if I’ll stay in this town once I finished studying so it’s the better alternative. I also bought clothes to wear for saturday. Gran wants me to dress in dark clothes for a while but I will only do so until the funeral. I don’t own a lot of black as I prefer colourful clothes and refuse to buy stuff I won’t wear later. Also, I should be allowed to be dressed in clothes I feel comfortable in, that I like and not just for the sake of a colour.

It may be silly to some of you that I had to recap this so detailed but somehow I needed to do so. Things only ever get real after I write them down, get them out. Thanks for staying with me. I foresee a lighter future for this blog and a recap of my awesome vacation in Canada.

Hallelujah

10 Aug

It’s almost 11 pm and I’m sitting on my balcony, in the dark. The thermometer tells me it’s 15°C and I’m lying on the chair in shorts waiting for the cold to numb my heartache.

Above me the starts are partially covered by clouds and Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’ is playing on repeat because it soothes my aching heart and soul.

I feel like I’m falling apart – bit by bit- until nothing more is left. I need to cry but I don’t want to. I don’t want the puffy eyes and running nose that come with it. I want to hit things – break stuff. Instead I’m writing – trying to get my rage out.

I’m tired but I have a hard time falling asleep because so much is going on in my head. Today my beloved Granny collapsed at the doctor because of all that’s happening with my mom. She is 78 and also tired of this constant battle – this battle with a person who doesn’t eat. Fair enough the chemo treatment messes with her senses but still. It’s no wonder she is this weak – the woman doesn’t eat! Everything we make her, she picks at it and leaves half of it on her plate.

I can only hope Granny will have some strength restored from a long sleep. The doc gave her something so she’d be out a while. It’s bad enough I’m loosing one family member a bit every day, I don’t want to loose two at the same time!

I can’t wait to leave Mom at the hospital on monday because then I’ll have 2-4 days of not having to worry. She falls down nearly every day now. Do you know how hard it is to get a grown woman off the floor by yourself?  Someone that is weak? I’m quite strong but it’s still not enough. I’m getting better at it but it’s not how it’s supposed to be.

NOTHING IS LIKE IT’S SUPPOSED TO ANYMORE!!!!

Parents shouldn’t have to worry about their children like this! And yes, I shouldn’t be imprisoned by someone elses illness either. I don’t want to constantly have to worry when I leave the house.

JUST FUCK YOU CANCER. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!

Thankfully we now have a placement for her beginning the day after I leave for Canada so she’ll be taken care of for 4 weeks.

When she falls, a part of me wishes that she hits her head badly enough on something so she dies. Or when I come into the room and she’s asleep in the TV chair and I can’t immediately see if she’s still breathing I hope for a second that she fell asleep for good. But then I see her chest moving and know she’s still with us.

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!!! BUT I DO!! IT’S TERRIBLE!!!

It’s now 10 past 11 pm and I’ll go to bed now, read a bit – hoping it will move my mind off things – restore some happiness inside of me. The next post will be lighter, I promise!

Gotta Love the Post Goddesses

7 Aug

Half an hour ago I wanted to spent the time I have before I have to leave for theatre by ranting, putting all my rage in words but when I got home and checked the mailbox I saw an envelope I expected for some time now. Only it was so much better than anticipated.

A while ago a friend I made through blogging and me decided to send each other a card because we both like to get post cards from around the world. I sent her my very boring one and today I got an envelope full of SIX cards in return!! I can’t stop smiling because she is such a lovely person and I now have to find a place for them on my walls.

It’s as if the post goddesses knew how much I needed a pick-me-up today because my mom has been bad for two weeks now and it’s a real good thing I don’t own or know how to shoot a gun. She is such a handful at the moment and gets worse every day. She calls me in the middle of the night or when I have like two valuable hours of sleep left to tell me some nonsense stuff because she isn’t able to read the clocks anymore. In the last 10 days she fell down 3 times and I don’t get her up off the floor alone, so I have to call someone for help. It is so frustrating, having to explain her things over and over again.

As I am leaving in 15 days for Canada things are pretty hectic around here as it is. I have to somehow finish my project beforehand and I hope this will be easy after I get the missing drawing today (hopefully, still have my fingers crossed). Then we have to figure out what to do with my mom. Originally she was supposed to stay at home and my granny would come by once a day but as mom’s health is declining over the last weeks, this is not an option so we started to see if we can get her into short-term care centre. The only problem is, that she may need to go do her next round of chemo in the time I’m away. But I don’t see how, no one is around to driver her there and back and so on. I really hope they can postpone the treatment to after I get back because she is in no state to do really anything anymore.

The cherry on top of everything is the cold I have right now. It’s not too bad but it keeps me from running even though I desperately need to blow of some steam. Hopefully my nose is ok enough tomorrow so I can take a tour through the forest or else I might actually harm someone. I have THAT MUCH RAGE  bottled up inside of me.

On the plus side though, I booked my train ticket to get to the airport in 15 days, boy do I have to get up early that day :) And I got my International Student ID card today because the thing my university provides is a piece of paper that gets laughed at even in Germany. So, no going to Canada with that stupid thing in my wallet.

I SOOOO can’t wait to be finally leaving for 3 whole weeks. It’s been 1 1/2 years since I had even half of that time to myself without mom and I just can’t wait. Oh, I already said that I can’t wait, well, you get it I guess.

Is there anything you would recommend us to go check out in either Montreal, Quebec, Ottawa or Toronto? I’m  open to suggestions!!

Ok, enough rambling on for now. In two days. The next post will be on my blogiversary though I still have to come up with something fun to say since I only have a lot of crap on my mind. We will see :) Until then, take care everyone, write a card to a friend and make their days a little brighter through it. *grouphug*

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