Archive | Life and Everything RSS feed for this section

LHBHS Moved!

11 Sep

I talked about my wanting to switch this blog onto a self-hosting service and that I did. After today, this blog won’t be updated anymore, instead you can find my ramblings over on:

http://williesun.com/

I would greatly appreciate if you followed me over there!! Thanks, guys!

Normalcy is overrated, right?

4 Sep

Today I came across a blog post by the lovely Emmy in which she talks about the difficulties she has about explaining where she is from/what exactly made her her. I couldn’t explain it either, there is only one thing I remember about growing up which is still with me in some way – wanting to feel normal.

There is not one single definition as to what makes a life normal and another one abnormal. There are definitions as to what the adjective ‘normal’ refers to but what is a normal human being? How does he/she feel? I guess many people think of themselves as different, so here is my tale.

The first time I felt different was in kindergarten when I was asked what my father’s job was and I couldn’t answer. At that time he still lived with me and mom but I had no clue as to what his job was since he spent most of his time at home but not like a stay at home parent. All I knew was that he was not really unemployed but not really employed either as he was doing stuff that wasn’t cool. Kindergarten!Me didn’t know what to make of it so I said I didn’t exactly know; the first of many such explanations. All I wanted was to be able to say, hey, my dad is a police man, a firefighter, construction worker, secretary etc. but I couldn’t because it wasn’t the truth.

I knew from an early age that my parents weren’t happily married; in fact one of my first memories is seeing my father shove my mom into a wall so hard it left a crack in it. I heard them yelling at each other too many times, mostly about money. To this day I don’t know everything but I know enough to be sure he was an ass. The rest, I really do not want to know. I have no idea why my mom didn’t divorce him sooner but once he moved out of the house I was glad. However it was another thing that said I wasn’t normal – my parents were separated whereas all my friends at school had mostly happy families with parents that were still married and living together without yelling at each other all the time. I wanted that so badly.

In 2003 I had to have surgery on my hip which meant I didn’t have to go on the class trip to France (which I was more than happy about) but it also meant I was running around on crutches for the better part of that year, having physical therapy and all sorts of stuff. Regarding medical issues one can have, my hip dysplasia is a light weight but nevertheless none of the other kids had to explain why they needed surgery. When they were on crutches, it was because they had broken a bone or sprained their ankle like normal kids/teens.

Of course this post couldn’t be complete without talking about being gay since it took me so long to accept that about myself. I have a very specific memory of thinking “Please don’t let me be gay, please, I want to be like everyone else”. I was in fifth or sixth grade by then, maybe even younger. So for the next ten years I wasn’t gay, I was trying to find boys exciting but I failed miserably. When a boy tried to kiss me (at least I think that’s what he was doing) in seventh grade, I just ran away. I had no problem flirting with him over text messages but heaven forbid we were face to face. Back then, I didn’t realise why I ran away from him, or why I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel about the next one, in retrospect it makes sense though.

To this day I feel like the odd kid out, I frequently cannot remember German words while I know the exact right phrase in English. I watch shows that none of the people around me have watched whereas I don’t keep up with crappy reality TV like everyone else. There are things I feel like someone my age should have experience by now, like falling in love, being in a relationship, going on a date and all that stuff. I don’t have a father anymore, or a mother. I keep the biggest part of my online life secret from most people in my life except my closest friends because they don’t understand why I live online like this. I hardly ever felt normal. I still don’t. Maybe that is a lot of bullshit, lots of people have weird things going on in their lives, I am by far an exception and normalcy is overrated anyway. Just sometimes I’d like to be able to see the normal, easy road ahead of me instead of the unpaved road I usually travel on.

VEDA Takeaway

2 Sep

Over the last month I’ve participated in VEDA. For those who do not know what the acronym stands for, it’s Vlog Every Day in August (or April, depending on the season) and it has been an amazing experience, far better than I anticipated. It’s exhausting to make a video each day for an entire month while trying to keep up with the videos of your fellow VEDAians, being unemployed and not having lots to do certainly helped. Would I do it again? – In a heartbeat, yes!

In the beginning, I was quite overwhelmed by all the new people I was subscribing to on YouTube and Twitter. I noticed some of them were already friends, happily chatting away while I felt like being in high school all over, desperately wanting to fit in and be one of the crowd. It looked like an impossible task to know the people behind the names I had subscribed to but by day 2, maybe day 3 the least, I knew who was who which felt amazing.

Over the course of August you could see friendships being made while everyone tried as best to talk about the topic of the day. A lot of them required you to actually think about stuff, like what are your hopes and dreams and many more feels-y topics. As such, it was sometimes a very intimate experience making yourself be vulnerable for almost strangers to see or watching someone else express their insecurities for the world to see. It’s breathtaking and beautiful to watch.

On the last day it was a little bit like saying goodbye to all your camp buddies right before going home. While part of me is happy I don’t have to create a video each day anymore I’m also sad that I don’t have to do so. I’m even sadder that I won’t get to see all these people I met over the last month every day. However I forgot one thing, we are all people of the internet and it’s not like we will be losing touch completely.

What makes VEDA such a fantastic experience aside from meeting lots of cool people is that you are forced to be creative, to think about things you normally wouldn’t think let alone talk about. I’ve now got a months worth of vlogs on my Youtube Channel and a list of new friends. I also noticed that my editing skills (while still being rather rudimentary) have improved. I also don’t feel as awkward talking to myself on a camera anymore.

To conclude this post, here are some more things I learned about myself and the medium on a whole over the month of August:

  • I am a video snob. If your video’s quality is really crappy I’m more likely to lose interest in what you have to say. I realise that not everyone can afford fancy cameras and such but when your voice and movements absolutely do not match at all or I can barely understand you, I will probably stop watching your videos.
  • My patience is not very good. Part of VEDA is to watch and comment on as many videos of your fellow VEDAers as possible. If you’re a rambler and/or you are really boring to watch, I will stop watching your videos because ain’t nobody got time for that! Seriously though! Unless your as adorable as Sweeney, I will most likely lose interest after a while. I want to be entertained, damn it! Make an effort to not turn your videos into a snooze-fest.
  • Youtube is a little bitch. I’m sorry but when you’re commenting on 60+ videos each day and have to enter barely readable captchas every few comments, it gets annoying real fast. I get that Youtube does not solely exist for VEDA and there are lots of weird people on that site but there has to be a better way. At least make the captchas easier to read. I’m not too shabby at them usually but I sometimes need 3 attempts to get one right and that’s too many!
  • Way to kill the flow, Youtube! I don’t understand why it is not possible to align all the comments on a video, why only display the last or top rated comments with the replies and the rest are dumped below a cut in no usable order. It makes it really difficult to follow a conversation there.
  • Don’t make underlying music louder than your speech. I’m in general not big on music that runs through the entire vlog, intros and credits or so are fine but the whole thing? It can be quite distracting.

Yes, I realise I am a first time vlogger and some of these points might sound pretentious coming from me but I can’t help it. This month required me to be quite opinionated and that’s somthing you cannot just switch off. I like to think of my vlogs as half decent considering it’s the first time I tried my hand at such an endeavour. Feel free to make up your own mind, here’s the entire playlist with all videos.

something that is mine

30 Aug

I’m currently in a stupid situation where the job I really, really, REALLY want is dangling right in front of my nose but I haven’t heard back yet even though it’s the end of the month now and the decision was supposed to be made around this time. I am just going to assume it means I didn’t get it. However, it would have been nice to be put out of my misery by now so I can move on because right now there is still this slight little possibility nagging in the back of my mind that I could get it. Ugh, make it stop. This is not the actual topic for today’s post though, here it comes.

I’ve been thinking about moving my blog from wordpress.com to  wordpress.org for most of 2013. While I enjoy the hosted version very much I don’t use it as such. I already have more subscriptions to other blogs than I can read on a regular basis, I long-since stopped checking out the Featured Blogger site and barely scroll through the tags pages to find new blogs. Don’t get me wrong, I have met a great bunch of bloggers that way but I haven’t felt the need to find new ones which is probably a reason why I don’t get a lot of hits. Another thing is that even though I almost have 200 followers, only a minimal number of them visit or comment on here. Lots of bloggers I connected with have stopped blogging or are on indefinite hiatus which of course makes me sad but is something I can relate to. In the beginning I only followed people whose blogs were on wordpress.com because it was easier, keeping in touch with them, the whole comment system and everything. Over time, I started following all different kinds of blogs, some on Blogger, some self-hosted which has made me feel like a caged animal wanting to break out.

This blog is my little part of the internet that is me and for unbeknownst reasons I’d like to make it even more of mine, I want to lose the .wordpress.com part of my URL for one thing. Also, I don’t like my URL too much because it’s looong. All my other handles on social media sites are much shorter and I like the idea of having them all match so I want this one to be in the WillieSun-club as well.

The problem is that I have no idea where this blog is going, I make it up as I go along (as if you couldn’t tell that already). It feels though as if I got everything out if this site that I possibly could. I want to expand my knowledge, have more influence on the design of my blog and such. I want more possibilities!

Until now I haven’t made a definite decision but it’s probably coming. When I have a steady income, I’ll move onto wordpress.org. And see, this brings me back to the beginning of this post, isn’t it nice how it all fits together? If I had a steady income now, I’d probably think about this step less and actually do it but it feels irresponsible at the moment. I just want something that is mine…

I fell into a rabbit hole…

22 Aug

I fell into a rabbit hole and it is called Youtube. The side effect of VEDA and spending most of your free time on Youtube watching videos of fellow VEDAers means that your also stumble upon other videos. If not for VEDA I would not have known about Grace Helbig and her Daily Grace show. While I learned about the Vlogbroters on Tumblr I have only now gotten really into their videos. And Youtube, kind soul that it is, keeps recommending video after video once you clicked on any of those and there are many.

To be honest, I didn’t even realise there were famous Youtubers out there. For me, the site was always just music videos and snippets of TV shows, interviews and fan videos on a multitude of subjects. Now it’s like wearing new glasses for the first time, everything is so clear and new, it’s amazing.

Unknowingly, had someone told me about famous Youtubers before, I would have thought they were like Reality Stars on TV, unreal and trashy and not my thing at all but that’s not the case. I am actually amazed by these people. Obviously Hank and John Green are no idiots. Between them, they have various degrees and a Printz Award. Their videos are entertaining, informative and also very silly on occasion. They’re not too full of themselves to put a Happy Meal into the mixer and eat it in front of the camera.

And then there are also people like Grace Helbig, Hannah and Mamrie Hart and many many others. They’re far from dumb. Their comedy may not be everyone’s thing but it’s not dumb despite its oftentimes silliness they manage to convey messages to their followers. You can tell that there’s actual work going into creating the content I get to enjoy which is what amazes me. No trashy Reality TV that makes me want to pull my hair out but clever comedy and an understanding about the business that is still so new nobody seems to know entirely what to make of it.

I read somewhere on Tumblr that if Tina Fey were about the age she was when she wasfirst trying to break through in the comedy business that she would be on Youtube, doing her own thing, being her own boss instead of trying to work her way up as a writer for SNL and I have to agree with this. Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and others would do the exact same thing that Grace Helbig, Hannah and Mamrie Hart are doing if they were about 20 years younger.

Youtube is an amazing platform that I am still exploring. It is so much more than shitty videos of live band performances recorded with the poor cell phone camera you were holding up. There are educational videos solely created to be on Youtube, like CrashCourse or SciShow. There are comedy shows like Your Drunk Kitchen and You Deserve a Drink or amazing things like The Lizzie Bennet Diaries and so many more.

I never expected vlogging to be so interesting but it’s similar to blogging and grasping that concept took a while for me as well. Part of me wishes she could do a similar think like Brotherhood 2.0 with someone on the other side of the globe or so; mainly communicating through vlogs. Sure it would be lots of work but it’s also kind of amazing. On the other hand it’s not really a new idea and thus not cool. I guess I’ll just sit here, continue with the rest of VEDA and be amazed by what Youtube has to offer.

Oppositionalism

21 Aug

The whole vlog every day in August thing has made me think about a lot of things I normally don’t spent too much time thinking about. For example, today’s topic about insecurities left me fairly unsatisfied as I didn’t know how to express what I feel because I don’t even know how I feel. I acknowledge that I have a lot of insecurities but I can’t label them let alone rank them.

And somehow my brain jumped from that to the fact that I cannot stand when people tell me what to do. I never did. I don’t enjoy unasked advice because I think I need to be able to make my own decisions, let them be mistakes but they are my mistakes and I need to make them in order to learn. If you tell me to watch Angel for example because he is less broody and annoying on his own show than he was on Buffy, I will probably cross my arms in front of my chest and do exactly the opposite of never even checking out the show. Especially if I said I don’t care for the character and you keep telling me that he’s totes better on his own show. Nope, sorry but I will not do that. In fact, it makes me want to do the exact opposite of what you suggested.

I can’t exactly explain where this is coming from nor have I any interest in changing this thing about myself. I was a good kid growing up and I understand how biased this is, coming from me. Nevertheless I tried to not cause any trouble to Mom and Grandma and I did a good job at such. Therefore these two authority figures in my life didn’t have to tell me much of what to do or tried to make me into someone I wasn’t. My grandma is probably the only person that I actually take orders from because she has earned the right to put me in my place from time to time.

If you want me to do something I may not be fully on board with, try to make it sound like it’s my own idea. I just have this need to do things myself, in my own way, however shitty that may turn out to be. I hardly ever ask for advice because I should be able to figure things out for myself. This is probably narrowing my ability to grow as a person or whatnot but that’s fine with me. I’m plenty of a person to begin with. I don’t even like asking for directions and only do so begrudgingly, like after walking up and down the hardware store three times without finding what I was looking for. Then, and only then I may consider asking for help.

The classmates of my long passed grandfather wrote about his character in the school paper that he was against it on principal. I guess that’s where I’m coming from as well.

“Aus Prinzip dagegen.”

And with this I’m ending tonights reflective insight to who I am. Maybe I will actually manage to create a more interesting and substantial post in the near future. Don’t get your hopes up though ;)

LHBHS… turns 2!! YAY!

9 Aug

Two years ago on this exact date, Lazy Happy Bored Happy Sad… was created. Little did I know about the impact it would have on me. This little corner of the interwebs I call home is my heart and soul. It is very personal and dear to my heart. It is my save haven when life is tough or needs sorting out. I come here to ramble about my day or share what I read and watched lately. It is me, this blog is who I am in a nutshell.

Of course this blog would be nothing without the people reading and commenting on it. Two years ago, I didn’t anticipate the struggles I would have to go through and how this blog, my readers, friends and the community I found online would help me get through my most troubling time. I’m grateful for every comment my posts receive, without you, I would just be a mad woman with a blog rambling about herself. Oh wait, that’s still true! What I’m trying to say is, thank you! Thank you random readers, thank you followers and thank you friends for being here and for being awesome. And now I’m turning myself into a gooey puddle of mush, but that’s okay I guess. Fitting for the occasion.

You can also watch me get all sappy over the internet in a recent VEDA vlog. Enjoy.

Incidentally, I was voted Featured Blogger over on 20sb which is something I would have never seen happening ever! And it would have never happened if it were’t for the fact that I basically ran unopposed and only got 2 votes out of 2 people because nobody cared for August Featured Blogger. Nevertheless I am grateful for this. Now my face with a link to my blog is up on the main site which is fantastic. I also got to fill out a questionnaire for the 20sb blog so check that out!

And now, cheesecake for all!!

%d bloggers like this: