Normalcy is overrated, right?

4 Sep

Today I came across a blog post by the lovely Emmy in which she talks about the difficulties she has about explaining where she is from/what exactly made her her. I couldn’t explain it either, there is only one thing I remember about growing up which is still with me in some way – wanting to feel normal.

There is not one single definition as to what makes a life normal and another one abnormal. There are definitions as to what the adjective ‘normal’ refers to but what is a normal human being? How does he/she feel? I guess many people think of themselves as different, so here is my tale.

The first time I felt different was in kindergarten when I was asked what my father’s job was and I couldn’t answer. At that time he still lived with me and mom but I had no clue as to what his job was since he spent most of his time at home but not like a stay at home parent. All I knew was that he was not really unemployed but not really employed either as he was doing stuff that wasn’t cool. Kindergarten!Me didn’t know what to make of it so I said I didn’t exactly know; the first of many such explanations. All I wanted was to be able to say, hey, my dad is a police man, a firefighter, construction worker, secretary etc. but I couldn’t because it wasn’t the truth.

I knew from an early age that my parents weren’t happily married; in fact one of my first memories is seeing my father shove my mom into a wall so hard it left a crack in it. I heard them yelling at each other too many times, mostly about money. To this day I don’t know everything but I know enough to be sure he was an ass. The rest, I really do not want to know. I have no idea why my mom didn’t divorce him sooner but once he moved out of the house I was glad. However it was another thing that said I wasn’t normal – my parents were separated whereas all my friends at school had mostly happy families with parents that were still married and living together without yelling at each other all the time. I wanted that so badly.

In 2003 I had to have surgery on my hip which meant I didn’t have to go on the class trip to France (which I was more than happy about) but it also meant I was running around on crutches for the better part of that year, having physical therapy and all sorts of stuff. Regarding medical issues one can have, my hip dysplasia is a light weight but nevertheless none of the other kids had to explain why they needed surgery. When they were on crutches, it was because they had broken a bone or sprained their ankle like normal kids/teens.

Of course this post couldn’t be complete without talking about being gay since it took me so long to accept that about myself. I have a very specific memory of thinking “Please don’t let me be gay, please, I want to be like everyone else”. I was in fifth or sixth grade by then, maybe even younger. So for the next ten years I wasn’t gay, I was trying to find boys exciting but I failed miserably. When a boy tried to kiss me (at least I think that’s what he was doing) in seventh grade, I just ran away. I had no problem flirting with him over text messages but heaven forbid we were face to face. Back then, I didn’t realise why I ran away from him, or why I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel about the next one, in retrospect it makes sense though.

To this day I feel like the odd kid out, I frequently cannot remember German words while I know the exact right phrase in English. I watch shows that none of the people around me have watched whereas I don’t keep up with crappy reality TV like everyone else. There are things I feel like someone my age should have experience by now, like falling in love, being in a relationship, going on a date and all that stuff. I don’t have a father anymore, or a mother. I keep the biggest part of my online life secret from most people in my life except my closest friends because they don’t understand why I live online like this. I hardly ever felt normal. I still don’t. Maybe that is a lot of bullshit, lots of people have weird things going on in their lives, I am by far an exception and normalcy is overrated anyway. Just sometimes I’d like to be able to see the normal, easy road ahead of me instead of the unpaved road I usually travel on.

Advertisements

8 Responses to “Normalcy is overrated, right?”

  1. Sann September 5, 2013 at 00:13 #

    Normalcy? What is that? ;)

    Ok, I did have a pretty normal childhood and a functioning family (I give you that)… but then I got the crazy idea to move to a different continent (ok, many people do that these days) and I was the odd person leaving my hometown for bigger adventures. But then, isn’t that normal these days?

    So there, everybody is normal and not normal at the same time ;)

  2. Emily Hornburg September 4, 2013 at 15:28 #

    ::hugs::

    And “normalcy” really is overrated. All of these things are making you/have made you the awesome person you are now. It makes us stronger and more prepared to handle whatever life throws at us. And also – I feel like everyone has felt this way to an extent at some point or another. Not to make how you feel/have felt any less than what it is, but no one’s life is “normal.” Even the people who seem that way… you never know what is happening behind closed doors.

    I’m giving you another hug.

    • WillieSun September 4, 2013 at 22:07 #

      I know that almost every person feels this way to some extend, you can never know what goes on behind the walls that other people put up. Sometimes it all just gets a little bit overwhelming and then I turn to this blog to write it out. Thanks for the hugs :)

  3. AbsentElemental September 4, 2013 at 13:44 #

    I don’t think there is such a concept as normal, even though we all want to feel like we are. Like you, I went through a family troubled childhood from a family standpoint, so much to the point where my mother and I still don’t get along (I’ve very close with my dad though). Since I left home, I’ve made an effort to create my own version of normalcy, and that’s worked far better than anything I tried to develop with the assistance of other people.

    • WillieSun September 4, 2013 at 22:05 #

      I haven’t seen my father in years, he could as well be deceased by now for all I know. Like you, I’ve been trying to create my own kind of normalcy even though there is most likely no such thing as normalcy when it comes to anyones lives.

  4. rmiles September 4, 2013 at 03:57 #

    You sound like you need a hug right about now. . . so *hugs* for you. . . you know, butchy hugs, not too girly. lol Maybe not now or anytime soon, but maybe at some point in time you will be able to look back on things and realize that your uniqueness is what led you to your close friends and future partner. Peace.

    • WillieSun September 4, 2013 at 22:02 #

      Hugs are always appreciated, butchy or girly (even though i’m not sure I know the difference).

      • rmiles September 6, 2013 at 07:41 #

        I’m sure there is a handshake and a clink of beer bottles in there somewhere. :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: