21 Aug

The whole vlog every day in August thing has made me think about a lot of things I normally don’t spent too much time thinking about. For example, today’s topic about insecurities left me fairly unsatisfied as I didn’t know how to express what I feel because I don’t even know how I feel. I acknowledge that I have a lot of insecurities but I can’t label them let alone rank them.

And somehow my brain jumped from that to the fact that I cannot stand when people tell me what to do. I never did. I don’t enjoy unasked advice because I think I need to be able to make my own decisions, let them be mistakes but they are my mistakes and I need to make them in order to learn. If you tell me to watch Angel for example because he is less broody and annoying on his own show than he was on Buffy, I will probably cross my arms in front of my chest and do exactly the opposite of never even checking out the show. Especially if I said I don’t care for the character and you keep telling me that he’s totes better on his own show. Nope, sorry but I will not do that. In fact, it makes me want to do the exact opposite of what you suggested.

I can’t exactly explain where this is coming from nor have I any interest in changing this thing about myself. I was a good kid growing up and I understand how biased this is, coming from me. Nevertheless I tried to not cause any trouble to Mom and Grandma and I did a good job at such. Therefore these two authority figures in my life didn’t have to tell me much of what to do or tried to make me into someone I wasn’t. My grandma is probably the only person that I actually take orders from because she has earned the right to put me in my place from time to time.

If you want me to do something I may not be fully on board with, try to make it sound like it’s my own idea. I just have this need to do things myself, in my own way, however shitty that may turn out to be. I hardly ever ask for advice because I should be able to figure things out for myself. This is probably narrowing my ability to grow as a person or whatnot but that’s fine with me. I’m plenty of a person to begin with. I don’t even like asking for directions and only do so begrudgingly, like after walking up and down the hardware store three times without finding what I was looking for. Then, and only then I may consider asking for help.

The classmates of my long passed grandfather wrote about his character in the school paper that he was against it on principal. I guess that’s where I’m coming from as well.

“Aus Prinzip dagegen.”

And with this I’m ending tonights reflective insight to who I am. Maybe I will actually manage to create a more interesting and substantial post in the near future. Don’t get your hopes up though ;)


4 Responses to “Oppositionalism”

  1. graveyardsandgrasslands August 26, 2013 at 13:00 #

    Ha! This made me laugh. I completely identify with the ‘Angel’ concept and I would also do the exact opposite just because! Although I don’t think those situations actually class as someone giving you advice… More someone trying to achieve their own self-gratification by pushing their ideas onto you.

    This is also one of the reasons I still refuse to use satnav… I like maps and I can do it myself!

    I say well done to you. There’s nothing wrong with fierce independence… But as an oppositionalist, I’m sure you’ll disagree. :P

    • WillieSun August 26, 2013 at 18:43 #

      Yes, it’s not really giving advice but pushing an idea on you but the concept is the same.

      Ugh, I can’t drive with a navigational system, I only go by maps because people used to do it that way so why change it now?!

      I don’t need to disagree with everything just with people pushing their ideas and beliefs on me :)

  2. Ren August 22, 2013 at 06:25 #

    I love this. Mostly because I am the exact opposite. I SUCK at making decisions for myself, and often look to others for guidance on something I can only come to terms with myself. I go back and forth on things ALL the time, such as grad school vs. working. I always feel the need to backhandedly, yet unsuccessfully, ask others for advice on this, even though I know that ultimately I will have to make the decision for myself. I’ve always been so fickle, constantly going back and forth on things. In a way, though, I can relate to you. I remember in high school expressing interest to a girl I cheered with that I wanted to see the new M. Night Shyamalan movie, Lady in the Water, and when the girl said, “Oh my gosh, I saw that last night, it was HORRIBLE, do NOT see it,” it made me want to march straight to the theater and watch it right then. I don’t like people telling me what I will and will not like, so I become rather defiant in those instances. In that sense, I like to figure things out for myself. I guess, when it just comes to big life decisions, I tend to freak out more, so I get very wishy-washy about what I want to do, because I’m so afraid of making the wrong choice.

    • WillieSun August 23, 2013 at 17:08 #

      Big life decisions are things I try to avoid for as long as possible, but that’s not healthy. I am this HUGE people pleaser and I just don’t want to worry my Grandma anymore than she already does without me having any chance to change it. So I keep everything bottled up until it ends here :)

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