Not me, but apparently me after all.

6 Aug

Last year at this point in time I could have never fathomed that this would be me some day. I was so overwhelmed with Mom’s care-taking and my academic life that missing her seemed impossible. 12 months later I am sitting here in the middle of the night, missing her like crazy, and this is by far not the first night (or day) this has happened.

When I got the grade for my thesis she was the first and only person I really wanted to tell but I couldn’t for obvious reasons. Not like I told her about my A-levels or all the other times throughout my school life. Instead I spent the entire car ride crying of relief and sorrow over the fact that I was finally done with it but also that I was definitely done with it. Does this even make sense?

I was so happy to not have to worry about the outcome of my studies anymore while being extremely worried about not having a plan that went further then one day at a time. Things have started to become more interesting in the job department which is great. However there are so many things I would like to ask my Mom that I simply cannot and I never expected me to be this person that I read about on many different occasions,.

I’ve lived on my own before in a strange country and solitude is not a problem for me but…

I don’t understand why this is suddenly so hard for me. It has taken me such a long time to actually mourn my loss, it’s ridiculous. There were just so many overlaying feelings that had to subside first. And I keep wondering if this feeling of loss and missing her will ever dull and be a thing I hardly think about anymore. Will it get better when the job thing finally comes through and I am not entirely in between everything anymore? I’ve never been one to cry much but in these last couple of months I have been so not me on this front. Aside from missing her, I miss having my shit together and not started sobbing at random things. Will I ever get to be the person again that I was before the cancer and the death? Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Maybe having my family in town is increasing these feelings of loss. I look at my uncle and see so many of Mom’s features in his face that make it hard to look at him for me. Not even the good features but the face after she lost all the weight and was already sick. Today my aunt asked me what I wanted for my graduation present and I could only answer nothing because she is not supposed to be the one giving me anything. I know Mom would have been all over me with a gift and I would have given her a hard time about it but I would still have expected something. I don’t want Aunt and Uncle to pick up the slack for Mom not being here anymore. I don’t need a present, I already rewarded myself it’s no big deal. Nevertheless I want to know what she had gotten me. I want to know, damn it!

Mirror, mirror on the wall, will I ever stop with all the feelsy stuff?

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13 Responses to “Not me, but apparently me after all.”

  1. onwindydays August 20, 2013 at 06:28 #

    All that feelsy stuff means that you are human! Things look to be turning around for you and you are blessed by all means. I’m absolutely positive your mum would be more than proud of you.
    And now, you are starting the next chapter of your life! How exciting that must be. The opportunities are endless! Anyways Karina, hope you are doing well!

    • WillieSun August 21, 2013 at 21:27 #

      Aww, I’m doing fairly well and it only hits me sometimes. It was more difficult when I was really stressed out about my thesis and I wanted nothing more than for my mom to tell me everything would be alright again.

  2. tryingtosurviveonemomentatatime August 12, 2013 at 20:57 #

    You have your shit together more than you think you do. The crying thing just makes you feel like you are going crazy and have no control over your emotions. I get more frustrated when I start to cry about dad because I am STILL crying about it. Yeah, I know 6 months isn’t a long time. Grief takes a long time to process. That makes me mad too. Just look at what you have accomplished during your mom’s fight with GBM. If my daughter accomplishes what you have in your young life I will be so happy. Be kind to yourself. Crying is ok.

    • WillieSun August 12, 2013 at 21:03 #

      Hey, I’m STILL crying and it has been almost 12 months now so no judgment here. Thank you for your kind words, they make my heart sing and let’s just hope your daughter will never have to go through my 2012.

      • tryingtosurviveonemomentatatime August 12, 2013 at 21:25 #

        I hope she doesn’t have to go through what we did with our parents ever. It was hard enough for her as a 4/5 year old with her grandfather. She still talks about him and gets sad.

        I have done some hard things in my life. But my dad’s cancer I think was by far the hardest. I was just trying to survive from day to day and get myself to work. You kicked ass in school. That says a lot for your determination.

        Have you read Tuesdays With Morrie or The 5 People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Albom? I just read them both in about 3 days. They are sad, but they are comforting at the same time.

        • WillieSun August 12, 2013 at 21:27 #

          Nope I haven’t heard of those books. Haven’t read a lot lately. The Fault in Our Stars was sad enough for me.

  3. alysonshane August 7, 2013 at 06:14 #

    Our feels are what make us human. Like Shakespeare said – it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all, amiright? The things that hurt us are what help us become better, stronger people.

    Also: first time visiting. You write beautifully and eloquently, and I’m sorry for your loss.

    • WillieSun August 9, 2013 at 00:34 #

      It is true, loss and heartache make us stronger but that is not very helpful in the moment these feelings hit you. It’s only later that you can actually take inventory of what you gained from it.

      Thanks for visiting :)

  4. viveka August 6, 2013 at 17:58 #

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
    We handle lost so differently – and there it comes to us in different ways, but it hits with a terrible force when it hits us. I understand your lost and my thoughts goes out to you. There is no right or wrongs when it’s about grief.

    • WillieSun August 6, 2013 at 20:01 #

      That’s a beautiful quote you put there, thank you so much.

      • viveka August 6, 2013 at 20:05 #

        I just love that quote …. too. It’s so beautiful.

  5. AbsentElemental August 6, 2013 at 00:48 #

    Having all of the feelsy things is a curse of humanity. Unfortunately, most of us are stricken with it from time to time (if not all of the time).

    • WillieSun August 6, 2013 at 20:02 #

      It’s ridiculous that I complain about feelings because I only complain about the bad ones and never the good but I’m only human as you pointed out. Stupid being human stuff, can’t someone just transform me into a cyborg? (Just kidding!)

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