Something’s Missing

16 Jul

I feel my posts are lacking lightness and happiness recently but I don’t know where to take it from, I’m sorry. I feel sad and lonely which is probably why I’m jeaouls of the people I know that have a clear understanding of where they’re headed.

I’m not doing enough of anything, taking care of my mom, keeping the house in order, finishing my studies… I know it, I feel it every day but I can’t change it.

My mom’s chemo treatments have had a bad effect on her blood lately so the next two rounds of chemo were delayed. We still don’t know when they will start again but as her blood tests are showing improvement it will probably not be for long. Still she is so weak, so forgetful and just not the person I knew for most of my life.

Often I ask myself if going through all this shit is really worth it. The possibility of surviving this kind of tumor is near to zero and I don’t feel like the time I have with her is doing me much good. As much as it pains me to say this, but for me, she more or less died a while ago even though her body is still around. But what else is left of that independent woman that raised me, the person who fought so many battles to give me everything she thought I might need? Not much.

My life has me in chains so to speak. She is just a phone call or a text message away and she lets me know this. I don’t feel like I have that much time to myself even though I hardly spent time with her except going to the doctors or other appointments with her. Every time she tells me how good a person I am my heart shouts “NO, I really am not!” because I feel like a looser. I wish I could break free of it all, just leave her behind and start my own life someplace else. But how is this ever going to be possible unless she dies?

I’m not talking to her much lately because I don’t want her advice and also because explaining stuff to her is just really annoying lately since she has a hard time understanding more difficult things. I’m still not finished with my student research project (but getting closer) and I don’t have a place for my thesis yet. She has been asking me about these things a lot for a couple of days now but I refuse to explain her why it’s taking me so damn long because I don’t have an answer for myself. I’m lazy, some things are still missing, I’m stubborn and I don’t know what I will do after graduation.

So I try to avoid talking about this but she keeps getting back to the subject, threatening to talk to our neighbour who is advising my project. I told her that I didn’t want her doing it but she won’t give it a rest. The thing is though that I have to do this on my own, I don’t want my mommy taking care of everything (which she also can’t do anymore). I’m grown up enough to sort out my own things or else how will I ever learn??? I’ve been clear about this, that I want  and need to do this on my own, but she doesn’t understand it.

She thinks we’re in a fight (which we’re not) because I don’t want to talk to her about it and she says that she feels our relationship has taken a bad turn. It probably has but not just recently. It’s been getting worse as her illness has gotten worse. Which makes me feel so, so bad. It does! But I can’t help it.

I want a goddamn break from everything around here which I will get in about four weeks when I’ll leave for my Canada trip. I can’t wait to leave! When I go out with friends I’m still not really free, she calls me with not so necessary things or texts me. I can’t ignore them because something serious could have happened but it hardly ever does. In Canada though I’ll have an excuse to leave my cell phone off because it would be too expensive to talk to her all the time. Ha!

Then again I feel like a horrible person because I can’t show her more empathy, be there for her more. I just don’t know how to do it.

The night she was rushed to the hospital as an emergency I told God (or whomever I believe in) that He could have her. Since He made it pretty clear that she won’t come out on the upper side of things, that it was ok with me if she died. I want it to be quick, maybe an aneurism bursting in her head…so she won’t feel a thing. It’s been three months now and she is still here and I wonder why. What’s the purpose of her sticking around this long?

– Well, I have no clue!

I only know that she is still here and I’m still here, both caught in the ties that bind us to each other. I’m so sorry this is such a depressing and dark post but I need to get things off my chest.

Most people say/ wish/ want to live their lives to the fullest, enjoy every moment of it. I don’t feel like I ever really did that. In general my life is a good one, I have many luxeries, enough to eat and drink. A functioning health care system, friends, hobbies and a loving but small family. Still I’m never satisfied and rather complain about it a lot.  I’m 24 and I feel so overwhelmed with the task that was laid upon me – taking care of my sick mother and being mostly alone with it except for my granny.

I wish I could do great things, help people, make the world a better place to live in, and yes, live my life to the fullest. But how can I do that when I fail at being a better person in my own home? How does one live the crap out of one’s life anyway?

Time seems to be fleeting, going faster with every day that goes by. How many days do I even have left before it is all over and I have to look back at what I did with my precious time on earth. Will I be sorry in the end?

My greatest fear is not being loved and not loving enough. Will I ever fall head over heals, madly in love with another person? Will I ever be loved back in an equal way? I want this so badly yet I’m afraid of putting myself out there. Being gay is most likely not improving my chances at finding a partner. I’m just so sick and tired of being alone, going to bed alone, waking up alone, going through my days hoping things will change but not having the the nerve to actually change things.

I feel as far away from accomplishing any of my dreams as possible. I don’t see the road anymore and some dreams are vanishing in the mist that covers most of them.

So far, the only thing I figured out about myself is, that I need to run at least once a week to keep my inner bitch tied to the ground. So, even though it rains and rains and rains, I go into the forest and run because it’s the only thing helping me these days.

This post has been long enough now, and I applaud everyone who made it this far. Thank you for enduring my ranting and complaining and whining. I’m also sorry for using ‘I’ so much. It must mean I’m pretty self-centered most of the time. See you tomorrow. Maybe my mind won’t be this dark after sleeping tonight? – Oh, one can only hope.

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11 Responses to “Something’s Missing”

  1. tryingtosurviveonemomentatatime July 20, 2012 at 20:54 #

    I wish I had some magic words to say to make you feel better and to make this whole ordeal disappear, but I don’t. I can say that I do know exactly how you feel about your mom and her situation, and I don’t think you are alone in feeling that way. I also don’t think you are wrong to feel that way. It is a heavy burden to carry and it is hard not to be resentful of this stupid cancer that has taken our “real” parents away. I think your vacation to Canada will be a great stress reliever for you and will do nothing but good for you. Enjoy the trip. Be safe.

    • Wilhelmina Upton July 20, 2012 at 21:17 #

      Sometimes a mini-meltdown like the above helps. This day was a bad combination of not enough sleep, watching the last Harry Potter movie and reading about the cancer situation of another person and then I snapped. When I feel like this, I write what bothers me, and it usually relieves me of my sorrows. And it did.

      Canada will be great, I’ve been waiting for August to come around since January! Three weeks without anything but friends and traveling. It’s heaven.

      How is your dad doing?

  2. Addie July 18, 2012 at 20:10 #

    I use I a lot and I am not even apologetic about that. You know if you live only 30 minutes away from me I’ll come knocking at your door, drag your arse away from your lappy, take you somewhere with frozen yogurt (I’m crazy over it. Are you?), and pull off a pirate conversation with you. Anything to see you letting go of the frowny face and doing the opposite.

    Then you can run back home.

    • Wilhelmina Upton July 18, 2012 at 20:30 #

      What’s a pirate conversation? A conversation about pirates? Cause I don’t know a lot about them and I’m no fan of Johnny Depp.

      It would be a LOT of fun if you lived that close to me. My town doesn’t offer any place with frozen yoghurt though. I’m not even sure where the rest of Germany is on the fro-yo landscape but you know, I have frozen my own yoghurt once and it was nice. So I probably like it :-)

      Hugs :)

      • Addie July 18, 2012 at 20:33 #

        Use pirate lingo or invent several words or do alien talk or whatever!

  3. onwindydays July 18, 2012 at 06:18 #

    “I wish I could do great things, help people, make the world a better place to live in, and yes, live my life to the fullest.”

    That is one of the noblest goals that a person can have. And you can achieve it. Those great things don’t necessarily have to be great things. Even the smallest of actions can change a persons life. Maybe asking someone how their day was, or doing the little things…like for me, washing the dishes for my mom. You know stuff like that. Trust me, you don’t have to find the cure for cancer to change the world. Start small; there is always someone that looks up to you. Hey, if it makes you feel any better…I really don’t know where I want to head in life either. I should probably try and figure that out eh?

    And about living life to the fullest. For me, I look up at the sky everyday. I take in how the air feels, how it smells. The sun shining on me. The breeze on my face. I know it probably sounds kind of stupid. But just knowing that once today’s done, there will never be another one like it kind of gets to me. Enjoy life one day at a time. It’s all you can do anyways right?

    Hopefully things will turn around. You can’t be lonely forever right? We’ve just reached the 7 billion people mark haha!

    • Wilhelmina Upton July 18, 2012 at 20:39 #

      First of, let me tell you how happy I am that you are back!!! How was field training?

      Second, 7 billion people? Are you kidding me? Hahaha, well chances are good then I guess xD

      Third (damn I started counting so now I’ll have to stick to it), it makes me feel better that you don’t know either where you’re headed. Aren’t you military though? Doesn’t that settle a lot of things for you? (I know as much about military as they wear uniforms and drive cool tanks).

      Fourth, good thing nobody depends on me finding a cure for any disease. I would probably be too busy watching TV or blogging than actually doing stuff. I try being a polite person though but I’m only human and thus my sincerest attempts, I’m not always succeeding in it.

      Fith, and last, I only had days and days of grey sky and rain until today which really got to me because it is supposedly summer but I’m not convinced of this so far.

      • onwindydays July 19, 2012 at 02:49 #

        Oh man, field training was probably the most fun that I will never want to have. The experiences and friendships that I made are priceless. But it was definitely a long 28 days.

        Haha yes 7 billion people! I just can’t believe that there are that many people on earth. I mean 7. Billion. That’s a lot :O

        True, being in the military does settle a lot of things for you. One of the main things being job security. Although I still have to pick a career field, and I don’t really have any idea of what I want to do in the Air Force yet. So in reality I’m just as lost as anybody out there. I just have a general direction of where I’m headed :)

        Haha, and that’s fine! It would definitely be weird to meet a person who only had one emotion! Everybody has their limits and its good to sometimes take a break just for yourself.

        Oh boy, I would trade weather with you in a heartbeat! I love the rain so much…It doesn’t rain nearly as much here :(

        But I’m glad to hear that you’re still doing well. I always enjoy reading your posts whether they be lacking in lightness and humor or not. It really shows more of who you are :D

        • Wilhelmina Upton July 19, 2012 at 10:36 #

          So it’s a bit like being an engineering student. You know you’re going to be an engineer of some kind just not know what exactly will become of you.

          This year is so rainy it’s not even good anymore. Our farmers are in trouble because they can’t make hay while it rains this much and about every day.

          • onwindydays July 20, 2012 at 08:15 #

            Exactly. Hit the nail right on the head :D

            And nooooo, that must be terrible for the farmers. Hopefully it lets up soon then.

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