A little bit of everything

20 Jun

There’s not much happening right now except that I am tired even though it’s only 4pm. I blame the weather because it’s been raining for a while now and the grey in grey mix of not really bright days is getting a little bit to me. Hopefully tomorrow will be better because I have two performances and it really sucks when you have to play in the rain. The forecast says it will be dry but I’ve been burnt before, I don’t trust the forecasts blindly. One never should!

Other than that, it’s only 13 days until I will see my friend family from Sweden again. They are doing this amazing thing of visiting me only to see me act in Peter Pan! Can you believe it? – Me neither! I mean, they’re coming from Sweden!! This is crazy but so lovely and I admire them for it. It’s been over two years since I saw them last but they were so sweet to me while I was in Växjö. He is a trained opera singer who teaches at Malmö University now and she is a teacher for adults. During my stay in their hometown they took me to theater rehearsals which he was directing, I got to tag along when she went to junta with her friends and I was treated to lovely dinners and fikas!

In front of Lantcafé in Öhr. A lovely place for a fika on a sunday.

If you have no clue what a fika is, let me try to enlighten you. A fika is the best thing coming out of Sweden after IKEA and Astrid Lindgren! Not kidding. There is not a simple translation, like in one word, for it. A fika is a get-together with friends, you have coffee or tea, something simple to eat or so. It’s a meeting with friends and some food. I don’t know how to better explain it, but it’s cool, maybe just because I like the word so much. You see, it can be used as a noun and verb (amazing right?)! Oh, and it’s just so swedish :D Maybe you want a better explanation, click here.

In the same instance my mom is driving me nuts in the last couple of days. She is weaker than ever, well not ever but she hasn’t been this bad in a while. She forgets a lot of stuff, can’t keep her few appointments in order and so on. Simultaneously she tries to tell me how I have to do certain things and I’m sorry, but I refuse to be told what to do by someone who is unable to remember taking her meds three times a day. I have to keep not only my affairs in order but hers too and that is a big ugly mess.

Everything is so complicated with her, I prefer to let things come and then I’ll deal with what is right in front of me rather than going bananas way before anything even happens. You don’t have to complicate simple things, it’s ok to let them be the way they are. Clean and simple.

We don’t talk much anymore, the thing is, I don’t have much to say to her aside from asking her what she wants to eat, when her next appointment is and if she has taken her meds. I don’t want to talk about what shit they’re selling on QVC and I have no private stuff to share with her because it always comes back to haunt me (aside from there is nothing happening in my life anyways), because again she makes everything bigger than it needs to be. It’s sometimes like we don’t even speak the same language anymore. I don’t know. All I can think about is, that I want to move out and away as soon as possible but that I have no clue how to do that because it means leaving her alone and she cannot take care of herself at the moment.

Damn it, still too early to go to sleep. What do I do now? Oh, right, watch the pilot of Heroes, because, my will is weak and I’m too lazy/tired to read.

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6 Responses to “A little bit of everything”

  1. tryingtosurviveonemomentatatime June 27, 2012 at 20:46 #

    I like your thinking

    “I prefer to let things come and then I’ll deal with what is right in front of me rather than going bananas way before anything even happens. You don’t have to complicate simple things, it’s ok to let them be the way they are. Clean and simple.”

    I wish I could be more like that with my dad’s cancer. But I am always trying to think ahead 2-3 months to prepare myself for the worst.

    I know how hard this is with your mom. I think it is great that you are staying and helping her out. In the long run I imagine you will be glad you did even though it is hard right now. I call my dad everyday to see how he is doing (he lives 150 miles away). Some days I don’t want to talk to him really because it just reminds me that he is sick. But I know someday I won’t be able to pick up the phone and talk to him so I want to take advantage of it while I still can.

    Sending happy vibes your way. Hang in there!

    • Wilhelmina Upton June 27, 2012 at 20:55 #

      Well since Mom got sick, it’s easier not to plan to far ahead because it complicates so many things. These past weeks she’s been going to blood test more often, getting transfusions because of bad results and all this takes up a lot of time. I don’t know but her being sick made me less anxious about the future. I can’t and I won’t do a 5-year plan at the moment, not even a 1-year plan because it’s simply impossible.

      I’m trying to tell me that I’ll be glad one day I stayed and everything but right now I know it’s not how I feel. I wish I’d know how long this is taking, because I can’t be her nurse for the next 10 years I’d rather shoot myself which of course is ridiculous because I could just walk away. Well, uni still keeps me here anyway for some more time so I don’t even have to think about it.

      How is your dad doing these days?

      • tryingtosurviveonemomentatatime June 27, 2012 at 21:58 #

        I sure wish I knew how long this all was going to last too. I feel like I am just waiting and waiting for him to die. Which is horrible. I have gotten past the crying all the time, but it is still sitting always in the back of my mind. He is doing really well right now. Still on no medications other than anti-seizure medication. So him being pretty much back to the way he was before he got sick is deceiving in a way. He doesn’t act sick except for the forgetfulness and the hair loss. I don’t want him to die, but I want this whole ordeal to be over with. Does that make sense?

        • Wilhelmina Upton June 27, 2012 at 22:04 #

          It actually makes a lot of sense to me. Nobody wants a loved one to die but this type of situation, without a lot of hope on getting real healthy again, is so hard to deal with that you just wish out of it. For me, it’s a constant battle of consciousness and mostly my darker thoughts win.
          You sit there and wait, not knowing what is coming your way only that it will most likely not be a good thing.

          I’m glad your dad is doing so well considering everything, the hair will grow back quite fast and it’s good he takes the anti-seizure meds (I experienced what the consequences are when they are off them during chemo).

  2. malna June 20, 2012 at 22:19 #

    That’s really so nice that your swedish extra family is coming. Prepare all the fika :-) It’s funny when we read about it but it’s really an important thing for us swedes ;-) Take care!

    • Wilhelmina Upton June 21, 2012 at 20:13 #

      I always loved the fika we had midway through the choir rehearals, so good. Oh, how I miss Vetakakor and those cool swedish butter knives…
      Wee will probably go out for dinner instead of fika, because it’s in the evening but fika just sounds so much better to me :D

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