Running for my Sanity

14 Apr

Today pretty much sucked from its beginning even though today is saturday the 14th and not friday the 13th (I was born on a 13th of friday so I don’t really believe in that superstitious stuff surrounding the day). It all started with my mom falling down while doing our usual saturday morning shopping for the weekend. She lost the spare key to our house earlier so we needed to buy a replacement key but as she wanted to go into the shop, there was one pretty big step and she didn’t have the strength in her legs and fell down. It took 3 people to get her on her feet again. The worst is, this wasn’t the first time this has happened but at least the third that I was present.

After that, my day was already in the toilet because I again had to see how fragile she is and it breaks my heart. When she tells other people that the worst of her situation is, that she is unable to drive a car at the moment then I get angry, because it’s certainly not the worst! I’m actually relieved she is not out in traffic, causing accidents and what not, and she told that line a lot today, adding to my anger and frustration.

It’s getting harder every day to put on my mask of happiness so other people won’t see all the pain I’m in. My usual answer of “Fine” to the question of how I am doing comes up less and less as I am more and more answering with not good and then blabbing out my problems. I know that other people have problems as well, the blogosphere especially reminds me of it again and again. I also know there are millions of people out there doing way worse then me, but still, it doesn’t help me when I see my mom falling down, smashing things because she didn’t see them, running into stuff with a shopping cart, not being able to fasten her seatbelt…

At the supermarket I then bought a bag of my favorite potato chips, because that’s what I do when I am really upset, I eat and watch something. Today I chose Sex and the City 2, because it is idiotic but bound to have a fucking happy end. A half an hour before the end, I hit pause and went for a run, not because of all the stupid calories I ate before, but because I felt like it and it is the only way I know to deal with my anger and frustration and fear and all the other emotions I feel these days. I go into the woods and run up and down those small hills, pushing myself to run faster uphill so I nearly collapse when I get to the top.

I love the feeling of moving forward, that’s why treadmills are not for me, I need to see the changing scenery, being alone around God’s creation. It’s so beautiful to see how wind moves the grass, experiencing that ants can be pretty loud on dried leaves and pushing your body as hard as possible. Running gives my mind the time to think things over or let my constant heavy breathing drown out every thought and just be; be myself in motion, not stopping until I am at the bench where I have to stop and enjoy the landscape. Nothing bad can happen while you’re moving because you’re never in one place, the now can’t catch up while you’re running into the future.

My favorite place in the woods around here.

What I am trying to say with the title of this post is, I need to run, to put my frustration, anxiety, anger, self-loathing and hate into these runs in order to keep me sane because pushing my body to its limits sets free these little friends called endorphins and they can make someone happy, most of the times. Even if they fail their mission of cheering me up, at least I know that I have put all the negative energy into motion without punching someone or hurting people with my words, which sometimes I really can’t help doing because I’m this pretty direct and honest person that just has to say everything that comes to her mind without censoring it.

Although I had a great run (who knew that was possible with 175 gr. of potato chips in your tummy?!) I’m still not completely my cheerful self that I want to be but at least I am exhausted and calm now. I didn’t change my tires today, hopefully tomorrow, and I also did not work on my project for the university but frankly, I don’t feel like it today. I felt like shit to begin with and I am dwelling in the rest of these feelings to let them out which is better than to keep them bottled up forever. I really hope that after another good night’s sleep, everything will be better – I will be better, stronger, more hopeful…which I know is a very high aim.

As I was on my way home out of the woods, there were dark rain clouds in the sky so I told them to feel free to drench me in water, because it is a pretty cool feeling to be walking through raindrops when you don’t have to care about running around in wet clothes for the rest of the day. The funny thing is, they actually started to send down the rain so I looked up and thought “There is actually someone listening to me up there” which was a great feeling that might be only based on the fact that rain simply falls out of dark clouds, but who knows?!

At least I’m not angry, horny, frustrated and filled with hatred anymore, so I guess I’ve proven my point…a little bit. Now, I’m going to watch some more TV to live in worlds with happy endings and resolved problems of pretty people for a short while.

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6 Responses to “Running for my Sanity”

  1. onwindydays April 15, 2012 at 04:34 #

    I just came over to see what new laughter-inducing post you would have. But to my surprise…what you wrote about today really struck a chord with how I was feeling today. Not only that but it’s almost exactly what I wrote about.

    All I have to say is that you’re not in this alone. It’s always frustrating that no one seems to understand what you’re going through. I can only imagine how you feel about your mom…I have the same, if not exact, feelings. Don’t let that frustration get pent up. Let it go. Funny that you mention running. I don’t know what it is about running, but it lets me feel that I can escape from everything. Oh, that picture you have of the woods, absolutely amazing. I wish there were more places like that around here. Sometimes I just need to run away. I want to run away.

    And rain…don’t get me started :) Coincidence…maybe. Anyways I wish you the best with you and your mother.

    • Wilhelmina Upton April 15, 2012 at 13:31 #

      Sorry, no laughter-inducing anything is happining here at the moment, much to my own disappointment.
      I love that place in the woods so much even though I wouldn’t mind having a lake around here as well, because I love water in every form :D

      Thanks for your wishes and I can only wish them right back at you!

      • onwindydays April 16, 2012 at 03:35 #

        It’s ok :) But hey! At least you have the woods right? Somewhere you could escape. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. But there’s a time when you have to stop running and face your fears. I don’t know haha, I feel like I’m just blabbing now. Everything works out in the end!

        • Wilhelmina Upton April 16, 2012 at 08:18 #

          Most of the times I just feel like I’m blabbing :D
          And loosely quoting my favorite book: Just because I like to run, doesn’t mean I always run away. But you’re not wrong, you can’t always run away from your problems or avoid them, it’s unhealthy and impossible.

      • onwindydays April 16, 2012 at 15:53 #

        You’re absolutely right. Just because you’re running doesn’t necessarily mean you’re running away. That was my bad haha. It does help to keep your mind off of some things for sure. Keep yo head up! :)

        • Wilhelmina Upton April 16, 2012 at 16:45 #

          Exactly, that hour a week is precious also because I don’t move enough otherwise during my week.

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