Smart is for Sissies

31 Mar

I still have the pack of hankies you left at my place about two years ago because they once smelled like you. Now the DVD-boxset you lent me is sitting beside me on the desk and it also smells like you, which reminded me about the hankies in the first place.
All day, I found myself randomly grabbing the DVDs and taking in your smell. This must sound really weird, well, so is me loving you. It’ll never work out, which I know – nevertheless I cannot stop thinking about falling asleep with you beside me. We never did that, I have an active imagination, you know, so I can picture it without it ever happening.

Maybe staying inside my imagination like this is not the smartest thing to do. Well, I don’t care right now, smart is of sissies.

I miss not having you around as much as I used to have, when we went to school together. Frankly, it’s the only thing I miss about school. We went from seeing each other almost every day to once a month at our worst.

The thing with us is, you’re the best friend I have thoughI may be only one of your closest friends (I most certainly cannot compete with a friend you know since both of you went to kindergarten together). I trust you completely because you always have my back. You never get annoyed when I rant and rant and rant, you even manage to give me advice and understand me! I don’t know how I can ever repay you for the times you were there for me when I needed you the most. I still need you and I hope I’ll be there for you, when you’ll need me.

I value this friendship so dearly that I would never give it up by pressuring you into something I know you won’t do. That’s why I should just take my feelings and bury them somewhere deep down and far away and hope they won’t surface again. I’m sorry but I can’t do that right now because smart is for sissies.

We would be perfect together and I guess that’s where the problem lies. Nothing is perfect and I guess love never is. Well, what do I know about love anyways?! I love the image I have of you in my head. The reason I can’t let go of it is, it would leave me all alone and I really do not want to be alone right now. I can’t be.

I’m not being smart about this, no, I am being an idiot and I don’t care.

I long for a hug the size of Montana which lets me forget my troubles because I am with you. But I am afraid to ask for it so I have to make due with taking in your smell left on those DVDs and pretend to be close to you instead of actually being there. It’s not the same but better than nothing, better than being all alone. You’re the happy place I go to when I really need it.

I should let go of you so I can maybe find someone else who can be in a relationship with me, but not right now, because I am not a sissy and the little bit of pain I feel, reminds me that I am not a heartless bitch and that I am still alive and not completely numb despite all the roadblocks I’ve built around my heart in order to protect it.

You know me better than any other person in the world. The only thing you may never know is how deeply I actually care for you but that’s ok. Well, maybe you do and I don’t give you credit for it, who knows.

The only thing I know is, I can’t let you go just yet despite knowing that holding on to something unreal like this is pathetic. What can I say?! – I guess, I am pathetic and stupid, but I am no sissy!

 

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2 Responses to “Smart is for Sissies”

  1. cupitonians April 1, 2012 at 06:15 #

    When you have loved someone, its always a bit more difficult in the mornings ans little less tough in the daytime. I know- I’ve been there too. It’s when everyday you need to remind your heart, he’s not here anymore. I know it’s a cliche but before long (or what may feel like a lifetime to you) your heart will recognize it for itself and decide to move on! Till then, big hugs.

    • Wilhelmina Upton April 1, 2012 at 10:32 #

      Really, the mornings? I find it the most difficult in the evenings when I have the full sense of what the day turned out to be. Thanks for the hugs, sending big ones back to you as well.

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