I can’t walk away…

17 Feb

…so I’m burning down the house. That’s how I feel like lately and I can’t get this line from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip out of my head. Matt talks to Harriet about their on-again-off-again relationship. Neither of them can leave the other and thus find closure because they’re working for he same late night comedy show. After their relationship fell through the last time it seems to be really over but as Harriet is the star of the show and Matt it’s head writer neither can take time off to get to the bottom of their feelings, to breath again and get a different perspective on everything.

“You can’t walk away so you’re burning down the house?”

I seem to be doing the exact same thing although I am not freaking out because a relationship didn’t come through for me. It’s just that I am annoyed as hell by my Mom and I can’t really go anywhere. I can’t leave because it would mean leaving here alone while she is ill and can’t even drive a car on her own. That’s the problem when you’re an only child of a divorced single parent with a severe illness. You’re stuck! And it sucks from time to time, now being the time it sucks majorly.

I should be thankful for the time I can still spend with her, yada yada yada. I know that! Nonetheless am I 24 years old and living at home, where I feel like I am still treated like a kid. On the contrary I am more than capable of taking care of my own, I proved it to myself when I spent 5 months in Sweden as an exchange student. I survived and I did pretty well on my own might I add.

So here I am, stuck in a house I don’t want to be in with my Mom who is making plans where to go and what to do and all I keep thinking is, that I am not planning on doing those vacations with her because although I desperately need a holiday, it’s not a holiday with her but from her that I need. Obviously I don’t want to crush her spirits but I also have to look out for myself. Which brings me back to the beginning of this post.

Since I am unable to leave my cage some people may call home, I keep snapping at my Mom and not being nice. I get annoyed whenever she opens her mouth. I was never a rebel, not as a teenager and not now but I am perfecting the one-syllable-answer because it is all can manage without every tiny thought I want to tell her but can’t because she would start crying and I don’t want to be the trigger!

My Mom and I always had a good relationship but a big part of it was that we were not seeing that much of each other and I was letting a lot of things fly by with a “If it makes you happy I am going along with it” attitude. I can’t do that anymore. I am still upset about the last time this behavior maneuvered me into a hell of it’s own. When you have ever been on a cruise (or other happy event) with hundreds of happy people and you were the only person who would’ve rather been anywhere else than on that cruise ship for your birthday miles and miles away from all the people you cared for, you might understand me. In order not to let anything similar happen in the near future I am not committing to anything anymore.

I don’t want pity, I just want to be able to walk away and not feel guilty about living my own life. After all, I am turning a quarter of a century old this year. It has to mean something, don’t you think?

Well, I hope I did not came across as a total d-bag, and if so…I just can’t help it. I will embrace my d-bagness!


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